Monday, June 12, 2017

Top 5 Reasons to go Vegan Today!

It's all the rage these days. More and more people are changing their unhealthy lifestyles to a more humane, eco-friendly and self righteous living. About 3.2 % and 1 % of the US and UK respectively, are vegans and why wouldn't they be. They say, "You are what you eat!" and I guess the west realized this when they couldn't differentiate between the hog on the plate and the one carrying it. Go green was always my motto, since the time these two vegans came home and asked me to join their polygamous cult.
 Oh wait, they were Mormons. Nevertheless, Vegan or Mormon, it's never a bad idea to learn more about cults. So here's a lo-down of our Top five reasons to think about joining the Vegan Wagon!

 5. To Outrun the 'Holy Cow' Indians:

With the rising acts of violence on Beef eaters, Indians are giving Cows and buffaloes the respect they deserve. I agree with them in their imposition of laws against eating something that some people don't like. But I'm still waiting for the day when they ban everything that everyone else finds offensive, not just the Hindus. I mean every religion has stuff they don't approve of, Muslims have pigs, Jews have hoofed animals, Jains have onions, garlic, potatoes, eggplants and all other forms of root vegetables, the Buddhists have reality. So what we have left are fruits, tomatoes and the lush greenery that arouses the best of landscape photographers, and goats.

4. Humans were never meant to Eat meat:

Science confirms the fact, according to most vegans, that humans were never meant to eat meat. The canines that we developed were used primarily for hickeys. It was all about marking your territory. Evolution taught us about the appendix, the organ that's either at the bottom-right of your torso or the top left of the Surgery bill. The appendix and appendicitis are myths created by multi-disciplined doctors who studied sustainability at school. We were never supposed to eat meat, we are meant to be gentle creatures like the deer that eats only vegetation (And only occasionally eats road kill. Pay no attention to the image).

3. All the cool snobs are doing it:

You can't possibly tell me that looking down upon people isn't fun. It is not enough that you are happy, others must be sad. That's the guiding principle for most Vegans and you should take pride in it. When you are a vegan, you get a free self-righteous pass and lifetime supply of judgements to pass. When you turn vegan, you always have something to say at kitty parties and social gatherings. If you run out of things to say, you can always ask a non-vegetarian what they had for breakfast and tell them why your mashed broccoli is better! There are no closet-vegans and remember that if a vegan hides their 'veginity', then they were never vegans in the first place!

2. Milk is white-privilege:

We as a society are trying our best to set the right double standards for the people. The same rules shouldn't apply to the colored as they are applied to the white. If we don't treat white people as the people of color, why should we give importance to the other white stuff. I say, ban everything that's white or add color to it. The Social Justice Workers will teach this to you better than anyone else. A white man and a woman of color can never be considered oppressed, even if one of them is considered commodity in some countries, while the other is called trash by the same countries. Also, not deviating from milk, it is the cheese in our pizzas that makes us look like pizzas.

1. Animals are people too:

We are in the 21st century after all. The Millennials are all progressive now, I don't see why anyone should oppose that. Our new belief system is all about inclusion and caring about feelings. We take offense at the smallest hint of intelligent discussion. The new generation is all about making everyone feel that everyone is right, and if someone thinks that they are barbie dolls and human pups then they are of course. No science on earth can prove to this generation that the Universe isn't flat, because it is! If the Earth were round then there airplanes from America would be upside down by the time they reach China. And while we are in this generation, we must cherish the principles of equality and trans further. Everyone is equal, white or black, Heterosexual or hermaphrodites ,American or amoeba, English and insects. But no, fetuses are not human. Because we are pro-sex but only if it doesn't lead to babies!

Become vegan guys!
who cares!

Thursday, June 18, 2015

I am Joe's other Eye

You must have heard about Joe from old Reader's Digests and old English textbooks. You know, the series of articles where the human (Joe's) organs describe and speak about themselves. But truth be told, it's seldom the whole truth over there. Let's just say, Joe isn't your average Joe, he does stuff. Secret Stuff.

No other organ in Joe's body can equal me. No larger than a Beer-Pong ball, I have millions of electrical connections and can handle 1.5 million simultaneous messages. I gather 80 percent of all the knowledge Joe absorbs, 80% of THAT knowledge makes me sleepless at night. He thinks of me as a miniature Tv camera. I consider the comparison insulting. I am much more sensitive than the biggest, costliest TV camera ever made, but Joe gives more importance to his tiny bathroom-spy camera. I am responsible for one of the greatest of all miracles - Sight. 
But who'll explain to Joe that Sight doesn't always have to be XXX Sites!!

Today's world is giving me a hard time. I was not built for it. For Joe's prehistoric ancestors, the eye's main job was to see things at a distance, danger to be avoided, game to be killed. Today Joe has a 6 inch phone at 17 inches, a 17 inch netbook at 10 inches and a 10 inch Tab at 6 inches from my face. All this just for his stupid 5 inches.

When Joe looks at a girl, the light passes through my lens, which brings her babylons in correct focus on my retina, which covers the rear two thirds of my interior. While Joe sees with me, he sees in his brain. A crushing blow at the back of his head, severe enough to destroy the optical center of his brain, would produce permanent blindness. A lesser blow (You know) and he sees “stars” - a chaotic electrical disturbance. Joe gets clinching evidence of the brain's role when he dreams. He "sees" the horrid stuff, even with my lids closed in total darkness, not to mention that he 'feels' too . Had he been born blind, he would dream in terms of other sensory stimuli: touch, sound, even smell, and at least have had a chance to go to heaven.

When he was young, Joe used to read magazines in dim light. His mother warned that he was "ruining" his eyes. Nonsense. The young see better in dim light than adults; and viewing under even the most adverse circumstances does no harm. That's what I thought, in reality, this gave him a heads up on life, magazines and uncensored pages. Now Joe's ruining everything except his eyes.

I try to ward off fatigue by resting as much as possible. I get time oh when Joe blinks. And my partner and I spell each other. For a while I may carry 90 percent of the work load, while Joe's other eye loafs; then it goes to work and I rest. Some days are more restful, when Joe uses his pocket telescope to spy on the motel rooms down the street. It could go on for hours, or minutes, depending on the viewing angles. Other days are hell, why when Joe gets stoned, for example. I get a bit tipsy, but I'm used to it now.

Nature gave me superb protection, placing me in a bony cavern with protruding cheekbones and forehead to act as shock absorbers for direct blows from, well, almost everyone Joe knows. She also gave me hypersensitive nerves to activate the alarm if there should be a potentially damaging intruder such as the smoke from his hashish and...wait a second, strike all that, hypersensitive when high? Who am I kidding! Period.

Both my cornea and my lens-normally totally transparent tissue--can cloud and lead to blindness. If it is the cornea, Joe can regain sight with a corneal transplant. If it is the lens, he will need a cataract operation, and either thick eyeglasses or contact lenses afterward. Fortunately, Joe has so far escaped all these diseases, but his disorder of winking at girls at bus stops is really gonna get him one day. Just the same, I am growing old--like Joe's other organs. The transparency of my lens is lower, accommodation muscles are weaker, hardened arteries are diminishing his already black blood supply to my retina. These processes will continue, but Joe should not worry unduly. The odds are heavily in favor of my providing him with serviceable vision as long as he lives. And hey, with the levels of impurities in his blood and his sizzling Lungs and liver, I think I'll be having a very early retirement.