Naughtyfications

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Friday, December 31, 2010

The Annus that Wasn't

 Wow! What a year it's been. The D-Mail
has never enjoyed success as it has, this year. And that's all thanks to you people out there, with your palm on the mouse, as if it were a ***** (Sorry, the word got censored), and your fatty 'Ass'ids on that poor chair. Well You have seen the year too, unless you're one of those "END OF THE WORLD" blokes. Well, to be frank, it hasn't at all been an Extravagant year, but not a bad one to begin with. What we, DE-MON (French trans: de-'At' ; Mon- 'My') Lair have is a LO-DOWN of the most Interesting things that occurred in the Last year of the Present Decade. We also welcome the year of the Rabbit.


All the Astro-'loggers' and Parrot Card readers, tell D'N'A that, the year 2011 will be just like it's Representative animal "The Rabbit" - Productive, Multiplicative and all the more Fertile. It's gonna be a good year for Virgo's who will no longer be tortured with their 'Status' (virgin). But it will be unlucky for the 'Pisces' people for they will soon turn into 'Pieces'. That's all for the (mis)-fortune telling. Now let's get back to what you're waiting for.

After a tiring Year, 2010 , here's the exciting part;





10. THE 'ALPHA-TIGER' :-

He's gone no-where man has dared to. Yes I'm referring to his "Beautiful" conquests (Literally). On last count,the number was 121. The one and only Tiger Woods.FYI, Greek Philosophers are believed to have been considering a Proposal to Change their 'God OF fertility' from EROS to TIGER (What an idea sirjee.!), It would be a fitting Tribute to the Man who helped change his major Sponsors' Tag-line from "Just Do it" to "JUST DO ME"(What an achievement I say..!). He has many more achievements to his credit including that of getting one of the Costliest Divorces (Man I wish I was his Wife {No thoughts please}). From The Golf Birdie to the Real Life Birdies This man is on our list, and we're proud of it!!





9. WIKI-LEAKS, LEAKS:-

There is only one person who I know has made/will make U.S Presidents wet themselves besides something called the U.S House of Congress. That man, my friends is none other that Julian Ass-hang, I mean Julian Assange. He has won many a custody battles (So many children),  been ordered to give many DNA (DO NOT MISTAKE IT FOR D'N'A ) tests and has been accused of many Offenses (You know what I'm talking about).

The reason this man of very High(Uses very authentic smuggled Marijuana) Principles and Morals(they Include dis-respect of others' Privacy : WIKILEAKS) is featured on this list is because of his ability to create a storm in Diplomatic Circles (Just the person, D-mail needs).

It is also my pleasure to disclose to you that WIKI-leaks will soon be publishing a Diplomatic cable titled "Mistresses of (Oh)bama." Rumours are that Tiger woods is set to loose his bet with (Oh)Mama! (That is the favourite phrase of his Mistress's) *Got Confused* (Oh)bama, on the number of "Pies they can eat" (What a cheeky expression for the HOLIEST crimes).



8. THE 'NOT-SO-SOCIAL' NETWORK:-
Good NEWS for all those Face Hookers , "Barf Lady Bug"(Mark Zuckerburg) the owner of The Hind-Look (FB) was conferred the honour of being the most Successful Hooker for the Calendar year, 2010. An insider was also heard calling the youngest Billionaire, an unworthy weasel, the reason he said so was, due to the Judicial complexity he faced when trying to grow opium and Chicks in his Farm-ville Farm!! But that's not why this guy is on OUR list (we're way faster than TMZ). The reason being that, now there is sufficient proof to "Nail" (What Irony, Hooker-> NAIL) the owner of Facebook in a court of Law under the 'Encouragement of Prostitution Act' enacted by the International Court of In-Justice at Prague. Not only that, It seems that Facebook receives it's funding from the Chinese Triads too. The Organisation BAHEN-KI-MOON headed by one of the most feared Mafia Warlords called COFFEE an' NAAN. The reason behind that name being, that he kills all his enemies during Coffee time or by spiking their "Coffee Beans".

(James Bond has a Rival in the "Killer-Style" Category)






7. HARRY PLATTER  AND THE FILTHY YELLOWS :


"Dumblewhore called for Snake, The new Offense against the Dark Farts teacher", a famous quote from the magically tragically infamous movie (Where 'Witch' and 'Whore' are 'Good Words'). This movie has been quite a hit, not for it's story-line or screen-play, but for the 'Matured' Actors, Daniel Radcliff (A 'Now successful P**N star), Rupert Grint (Quite a Rich and Spoilt Play-gay ) and Emma "What not"son (Something Men Adore, but Lesbians Loathe). This movie had every thing a man wouldn't wish for, Witches, Bitches and a whole lot of Stitches (Violent Magic). The only competition to the Harry Platter was, at that time, "The Unstoppable", which stopped me to think, why didn't I go there!! The reason this "Inexcusable Bluff" was placed in this list was the fact that it STOLE about $125 Mn from my pocket (of that 20% belong to the Pox Office) and I need them back!!



6. DIS(Developing International Scepticism)-CERN:-


All our friends are held up at the LHC near Geneva, Switzerland.In case you lazy-asses are/were wondering what the LHC stands for.. LHC-(The) Leek's(Loser+Geek) Horniest Convention...which, in YOUR language translates to "Large Hadron Collider" .


So, what is all this hoopla "bout"..? (That's how the Canadians say it)
It seems all this drama is "bout" finding something called the 'Bitch particle' Sorry 'DOG' Particle..Oops.! I meant 'God' Particle or often referred to as the Meg's Bosom, sorry, 'Higgs Boson' matter (I'm getting clumsy this time of the year) which if discovered solves a lot of discrepancies in Theoretical and Particle Physics(At-last some knowledge gained on the D-mail). Enough with the boring stuff :P, Now I'm going to disclose something a little 'Rumbling-bee' tells me. The NEWS is that the 21st of Dec,2012 doomsday theories coincide with the 'Hole-Lighter' I mean,Collider reaching the pinnacle of it's energy producing capabilities on the same date... SO Go on, Book your tickets to Mars on "www.bookmySPACE.com."




5. OCTO-PUSSY:-



What's Black and White and Red all over?

Paul the octopus, after ending up in a dinner plate as an Octet Delicacy and guess what, they didn't need any fortune cookies afterwards.


But what made this mollusk so famous that it had to end up with such an honorary death? It's said that, Paul the octopus could predict the past, sorry, The Future (The past is Rajinikanth's). And this made his greedy care-taker, get even more greedier and Forced him to predict the match scores and his chances of getting laid (To this Paul showed the 'Middle Limb'). This exploitation angered the Octopus and ultimately made him commit suicide (Sushi-cide) and swam straight to Germany, where he thought his cousins, Hitler's swimming descendants would accept him, what really happened is that these relatives loved him so much that they sent him to Hitler himself!! (All hail the Fuhrer)




4. SLUTTY KATTY :-

Jay Leno once said.."Katy Perry lost her phone today and it seems she doesn't remember where; just like her Virginity." It must have been a BRIEF experience, losing the Virgin (The suffix would be 'Mobile' and not 'ITY'). And Well, She chose India to get married in (An Irony In 'in' Itself) . It was a "Major" event, it-seems..Yeah right as if this is her last marriage(Oops..). She's got like 5 more "Botox-free" years.AS-S soon as-s(Now that's pun) that phase passes we'll see another Miscarriage...err...Mar-rage. As for her Mobile's business, well, That would be too Phony !!


That's her pic before her scheduled Botox ..





3. UN-COMMON WELLth:-


Well first of all,The total combined loss that occurred this year to the D-mail and its affiliates including the Harry Platter movie and the CWG games is pegged at 1 billion dimes according to our accountant Steep-pen Hawking. 
This year saw the likes of Hussein 'Blot' and Stephanie (Lico) Rice came to India for the Un-Common Wellth games(Oh,wait a minute THEY DIDNT COME INSPITE OF SPENDING 2,00,000 crores on the Games..). Kalmadi has been declared the Richest Scammer in this Decade's edition of the Whore's magazine. On the bright side,The Indian bookies were able to fix about 101 matches in favour of the Indians. The best thing about the event was the presence of the over-sized Blip (Which almost looked like Katty's ****) On the whole, the whole event was a Super-flop..Oh,what an HONORARY and MAGNIFICENT moment for the 'Chinese'.!





2. YO(U. S.)uck :



'Oh'bama, the President of the US. Visited India on several occasions, although we disrespect him enough, that's not why we post this. The reason we do so is to humiliate the so called (Vacuum) heads of the world. The ones who allegedly own all the economic and Political rights of the world. The alleged ambassadors of the Nu (d/k) e power. Who refuse to give Indians the boon of major energy savings (Not that I have any interest in it or anything, I'm in it for the third WW). The U.S. even exert their power in the U.N. Which is said to be an inDEPENDENT organization. What I have to give them is "mln"(I think you understand fingers). Then again, the US is definitely doing a good job in certain fields, if not all- They're said to be the people with the highest rate of 1) Divorce, 2) Gaiety (bringing down population, provided, Surrogacy is FUCKED OFF) 3) Lunatics (again a major contribution from them) and 4) Sterility (And by this I don't mean 'of Syringes'. That's right, the Lo Down parts). The US have set quite an example with their standard of living and that stupid Accent ( Whaa Dhe Fak). What disgusts me the most about the people is their attitude, I mean, How could someone with an empty TOP floor (And BOTTOM also) boast of their MIDDLE floor (no misinterpretation, "Pocket-Wealth").
ALSO NOTE : DO NOT take the mis-opportunity of watching an American participate in a reality show because, either you'll notice de-evolution OR you'll have to puke twice a second (They're a little bit of Show-Off and Most part, a Ripp-Off!!)

That's all for the 'US'e less!!





1. 'MAN'EKA AND 'MAN'KEY:-

A woman of spirit, a woman of her word, a woman of CHIMPY NATURE? This activist APES no one and deals with PRIME-MATES on a regular basis. This Year however was too 'MONK'ey for her. She Allegedly married as ORANGUTAN and now has to shift 'Base' to the US ANTHROPOID Sanctuary, where they will spend their 'Monkey-Moon' among the HOWLERS, going all BANANAS AND COCONUTS over there. It seems she's taken her relationship with the ANIMAL kingdom seriously so much so that she and the GAND-hi family read just too much into the phrase- (1) "Apes-The CLOSEST 'thing to MAN-kind in the Animal Kingdom." We can only wonder which 'DIC*'tionary the family used to interpret that statement. The marriage was allegedly witnessed by many of 'Man'-eka- 'GAND'-hi's Colleagues, from different 'BRANCHES'. Whatever the magnitude, this event has made an impression on India's Natural Heritage, especially, the CAGED ONE. We just hope that their marriage lasts, and not end in divorce over a BA-BOON (Bane)!! 

 


(1)The Bride in her wedding dress with the Groom. (2)The Marriage Party.... (3)The Ex-GF of the Orangutan.



(2)

                       (1)
(3)





That's all from us this year, 2010 on the D-mail..





Looking forward to a Darker, more Perverse & Pervert than Ever, Saucier, Dirtier, More AdultRated and Of course a Crazier than ever "Annus" (I love that word) 2011.


This is the Last Adieu of the Decade :'-) !!


Thursday, December 30, 2010

The D-MALE(s)

All Year long you've been witnessing the, somewhat, amazing (with UTTER modesty) posts, uniquely crafted and very much different from the other web blogs. What we, at the D-Mail, provide is a mix of humor, sarcasm, entertainment and a whole lot of Darkness (literally). We boast of providing numerous varieties of posts, each with a witty title and a distinguished 'LABEL', Like "ILL-iterature", "PUN"gent and The LO-DOWN.


The reason we've written this post is not (only) to boast and brag about the D-mail, but to tell you what goes on back stage, providing 'Quality' posts for you're mind to digest ( and occasionally puke out what is too AdultRated). This particular post, on the second last day of the year, is going to reveal (almost) all of the D-mail secrets. That's right ALMOST All of our secrets -

Here are our stories:

D:

T'was the time of monsoon, that a young teen with a body full of raging hormones and steaming blood (A disturbed child, he was) came back home, again, disappointed with the way things work around him. He chose to battle against the oppression he had to experience by a society that didn't accept him (they were too 'gay' to accept a 'disturbed' boy). This boy swore to avenge his morale and ethics. So, he tried, at first, by trial and error methods, to observe the reactions of the so called happy people. He experimented by throwing ostrich eggs at neighbors. Scientifically observing, their expression and musically ignoring their abuses (I-Pod), Later he researched and built this Pɹofǝsıonal Blog!! As in the case of conception, nomenclature is just as essential, so the lad thought hard for a name. In his mind, he wanted a name fit for a blog that was a:

"Dais for Demented, Dark and Deleterious Deceit, With Darn Dissident and Dauntless Delving. A daily, with delinquent deluding pertaining to Death and Defamation of the Dissent. This Diffident Dude then Devised a Dashing Decree, The D-MAIL. A Dawn of the Dynamic Dimension. From the Domains of DaVinci, Dante and Dawood, rose a new Demonic Demigod, who deals as, Code name-D, or just 'D' (With single 'horn'y quotes) in short" --------------------------equation (1)


A:




It was the millennium of rebellions, The Indian Independence movement and the Cuban Revolution to name a few. It was in this rebellious phase of human History that a soul born out of a cocktail of Teenage revolt, Dissatisfaction, Anarchy, Nihilism,and utter pandemonium rising from the dungeons of death, a phoenix took the form of one called  'A'.

Star-Year : 32 BBY, yes that's the year that this Direction-less soul took the form of  'A'.
There was only one thing that I was fascinated about, A- for Annihilation. Soon this fascination turned into an obsession. My aim then, was the 'Uplift-ment of Mankind's Intelligence to levels where even an extreme form of Intelligence(ME) would find it difficult to desecrate and denegrade (That's what we do to you - Humans). This resulted in total alienation and an Association with the darkest form of living creatures called the "Anubis" or the "Osiris. "It was during these trying times that I joined hands with 'D', and as they say....
'The rest is History'! ----------------------equation (2)


Adding (1) & (2) We get:


How They Met :




The two crossed paths during the time of  the Auschwitz, where they were assigned different missions, 'D' was assigned by Hitler himself to devise devious ways of torturing the inmates of his death camps. Anne "The Concealer" Frank was assigned the task of deceiving the latter generations with a concealed truth (What happened there was far from what Anne Frank wrote, call her's a CENSORED version,  HAHAHA) which was partly my doing.  And at the same time, 'A' was called by the Nazis to sneak up on, Colonel Claus von Stuff-in-bug, and make changes to the so called 'Operation Valkyrie', this he did, by disguising as Stuff-in-bug himself. Quite a sad fate, for those who were involved, except 'A'. That's where we met and talked about The D-Mail and it's future. He readily agreed and signed a pact which states that, '20% of the D-Mail☣  beheadings, 10% of the blood-shed and 50% of the share of the D-Mail loot is his'. And now, together we have formed the Aggressive Alliance, the Dynamic Duo, who call ourselves, The D'N'A (Derived from D & A)!!


On the whole, The D'N'A stands for a Legion of Beliefs and Ethnic, a Black hole full of detest, waiting to explode out. The D'N'A could stand for, Demons and Angels,  Davinci and Michel"Angelo", Dawood and Adolf, Diarrhea and Asphyxiation, Death and Ante-Birth. We are what you called Destruction and Anarchy, but most importantly, "The D'N'A" !! I'm sure NOW you get the point. So no more dubious darts at D and A from you inquisitive Freaks. Let's get on with the next segment.


HOW IDEAS GET POSTED:





What do you think, the D'N'A does to get ideas in their minds, Plagiarism, Suggestion or Theft?

And the answer is, NONE OF THE ABOVE. We do not fall down to your level. We are High Breed and have other methods. If I give you a detailed description of how we get our Ideas posted, It'll somehow go over your head (25 Feet over your 25 Cm head). So what we thought was give you an Algorithm
I'm sure you have read 'How To Conceive Destructive Ideas', Which gives you a glimpse of what We actually Do.

So here We go:

1) We start with a Subject, something that has to do with seriousness.

2) We twist the words, Spice the Sentences and Eat the rest.

3) The ideas we get are of Really High Level which requires an IQ of 'Isaac Hawking Einstein' (one person). So what we do is try to bring it down a bit, you know place 'boo boo' instead of "Violent Homicide" and 'grate-ness' instead of "Honorificabilitutinitatibus". We do such things to every word.

4) Then We think of a name, a witty one, yet, Elementary enough for you to understand
(Like I said 'Boo Boo').

5) When everything is done, we delve into the subject even more and make changes to get a perfect piece.

6) Then, for namesake, We bring little baby Wordswort (without a H) and make him read it aloud. If he cries out, " Waa! It's too difficult for me to pronounce!", we immediately replace the word!!


That's what happens in the D-Mail as far as idea making is concerned.
(Now don't go about and start your own blog..!!)


                                    

To end this post let me tell you that the D-MAIL is now going to post a poem about how we degrade our Viewers in Public ;)


Roses Are Bloody Red,
Violets Are Violent Blue,
That's The End Of This Deceptive Post
So Let Me Just Present A Toast , "Fuck You"!!

Now that our secrets are revealed and you, were sufficiently insulted, it's time we conceal the truth once again

THIS POST WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN 5 SECONDS, DISMANTLING YOUR PC AND PIERCING THROUGH YOUR SENSITIVE EYES WITH OUR HIGH INTENSITY LASER BEAM TAKEN (RESPECTABLE WORD FOR BURGLED) DIRECTLY FROM NASA. (If you read till here, you must know that your 5 seconds were up And If you nimrods HAVE realised that you weren't harmed, That's because we felt pity on you and withdrew our attack. It's only because we follow the motto, "If you have to (Serial) kill someone, do it manually, enjoying every shriek and w(h)ine")
                                          

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Poke-a-Mon

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Spineless

Monday, December 27, 2010

Trash Talk

Sunday, December 26, 2010

MICHAEL JACKSON aka THE MORPH

What kind of a world do we live in.....Where a man ,or more like, a Mutant, has to change his appearance to fit in? What kind of a world do we live in.....Where the white man's burden has been lifted by the black? What kind of a world do we live in....Where a writer forgets where to begin his work.
(cough)

A thriller indeed, born and bonded to the world of Music and Pop. At a very young age was exposed to the wide world of show biz and instantly, a hit among all. A success in every way, he was like any other victor, envied till the end but, that never filled him with pride. He was always the way he was,  Cool, Calm, Collected. What's not known by others was his ability to change appearance and voice (How else can a man's voice sound so powerful yet so feminine?), not to forget that special "OWW!" sprinkled in a selection of his songs. The peculiar pitch which escaped his mouth was something of a blend between getting high on poison ivy and getting clean bowled right on the middle wicket (Ouch).

The days of his youth were special to him because that's when he learn't he had special powers (No, I'm not talking about the "creating" powers), the powers of altering his appearance and voice. Any man would have used such an ability for selfish purposes, but not Michael. He brought it to a much better use i.e., Sabotaging HIS, I mean, his MANAGER'S competitors. He learn't that he could become white at will and haunt his enemies 'White'. The only proof we have of his mutation is his transformation, which was misinterpreted as a natural defect by the Funeral's Bureau of Incrimination, for federal purposes (to earn money through him) !!

Suffering is what made Michael a real hero. A father who abused him, a people who discriminated him, a family which envied him (don't take heed to their alligator's tears). But even after all that he stood his ground and walked like no other, literally, he created history with his music and new totally out of the box dance styles. "This is (sh)it" must have given you an idea of what kind of practice and training he underwent. He suffered more than enough judging by the falling, I mean failing nose. Who could expect a nose to actually run (more like shoot out)?








Ok..Ok, I admit he wasn't much of a consistent person but, isn't it our WISH to choose what we look like? Isn't it a right to choose whom to love? Children may not be an appropriate choice of enjoyment, but if he felt they Are, then why blame him? Let me ask you a question, is there any human being who has thought STRAIGHT?

He's worked with Ghosts, he's flirted with the Liberian girl, he's Thrilled the thrillers, he's turned Black or White, he's Dangerously Bad and he could Heal the world with his Earth song, he's done it all. But what he could not do was escape the unfair arms of Fate. And what a way to die.?! He ALLEGEDLY died in the arms(According to FBI reports), of his Proctologist (That explains why he was in the "arms")..err...
 I mean Doctor.

The Doctor called himself  "CON"rad Murray. I Guess, Michael should have seen that coming..Oh wait a min..he had "NOSE-troubles." He reportedly took drugs for something called Insomnia also referred to as 'Madness' in Layman's terms. I know, that all of you know what went on during his FINAL (Thrilling) moments.

After his death,The news of which spread like wildfire this is what happened in the Online World;

It caused websites to slow down and crash from user overload. Both TMZ and the Los Angeles Times suffered outages. Google initially believed that the input from millions of people searching for "Michael Jackson" meant that the search engine was Under attack. Twitter reported a crash, as did Wikipedia at 3:15 p.m. PDT (6:15 p.m. EDT). The Wikimedia Foundation reported nearly a million visitors to Jackson's biography within one hour, probably the most visitors in a one-hour period to any article in Wikipedia's history. AOL Instant Messenger collapsed for 40 minutes. AOL called it a "seminal moment in Internet history", adding, "We've never seen anything like it in terms of scope or depth. "Around 15% of Twitter posts—or 5,000 tweets per minute—reportedly mentioned Jackson after the news broke, compared to the 5% recalled as having mentioned the Iranian Elections or the flu Pandemic that had made headlines earlier in the year. Overall, web traffic ranged from 11% to at least 20% higher than normal.

This post might still be cracking jokes at "The Morph" but let me make it clear D'N'A have immense respect and admiration towards a phenomenon called Michael Jackson. Over a period of roughly 2+ decades of Domination of the Pop music culture the King of Pop has sold many records and earned Millions but point to note, he still 'Heals Our Minds' , 'Thrills Our Hearts' but Most Importantly he's "Another Part Of Me (In my D'N'A) ".






(This is to inform you that neither the D-Mail Nor It's Genetic Owners,  D'N'A were responsible for the death of MJ. It is only rumor that we committed 'Homo'cide. We actually actually adore Him {No double thoughts, that's OUR Job!!} )




R.I.P Morph !  





Saturday, December 25, 2010

Museum

Primitive

Friday, December 24, 2010

Something Fishy

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Birds of a feather

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Bull

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Aqua-Regia

Monday, December 20, 2010

bread slicer

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Cat-Fish

Saturday, December 18, 2010

En garde

Friday, December 17, 2010

Star

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Carnivore

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

bear

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

cannibal

Monday, December 13, 2010

Rattled-Snake

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Spiderman

Saturday, December 11, 2010

sponge

Friday, December 10, 2010

Pain

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Leech

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Im'PERV'ious



He's Back, the one whom you all were desperately waiting for has finally arrived. We had to pull him back from Tibet, right from under the Dalai Lama's Nose. At first he told us to patiently wait, but We knew how desperate you perverts were for advice on aspects , people, otherwise are too ignorant to speak of, So here's his pervertousnessly Holey Baba Randi !! Here's what we managed to Quote:


10) Be Gay While Your Son Still Whines.






9) Ball That Litters Is Not Old.






8) When Life Gives You Lemons, Get Implants.






7) An Ideal Wife Is The Devil's xxx Shop.






6) Sodomy Is The Best Policy.






5) A Hooker A Day Keeps The 'Cooker' Away.






4) Never Put Off Till Tomorrow, What You Can Do Tonight!






3) All 'Hind'play and No Fore-Play Makes Jack A Dull Boy.






2) Erectile Dysfunction Is The Stepping Stone To Success.



And Baba's Personal Favorite, Which Was Applauded By The Lama Himself:





1) Life Is Like An Ice-Cream, You Lick The Juicy Part, Suck The Viscous Part And Later Bite The Pointy Part !!




The Baba has left the building!!

He'll be back to give you the ultimate 'Path' soon!!

Crane-Crane

Monday, December 6, 2010

Pray With Prey

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Puffer

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Teeth

Friday, December 3, 2010

Fish In Time

Thursday, December 2, 2010

AXE-Cuse Me:

Teenage....These are the times when what I’m about to tell you (assuming you haven’t already dozed off..) will be of most help. We all at some point in our lives need to give excuses as to why you haven’t done your job or why you dozed off on an important segment of a lecture by a 'lecher'er etc... I can tell you from experience that lying is ALWAYS not the solution though personally I prefer to lie rather than blurt out some Lame-ass excuse at the spur of a moment. You see the moment you give an excuse to, most probably, your parents, they give you a look...


That look my friends is something like this...




YOU'RE NOT MISTAKEN ...THAT IS THE LOOK BARACK OBAMA HAD, WHEN HIS DAUGHTER TOLD HIM THIS...” I can’t believe it. My little sister must have put my homework in her backpack. Wait until I get a hold of her.”





That look my friends can even send a chill down the spine of an Osama Bin Laden when his mom would’ve looked at him...



Now lets get to the point... "How to write your parent excuse notes." If you’ve looked closely I’ve mentioned WRITE. Now why would I do that..? cause it’s better not to be around your parents when they hear, or in this case, read our excuse. The reason being, All you lowly and deprived kids would use this kind of English. I’m under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute me. (get my point.!!?!?!)



As the saying goes “there is an art to everything.”
                                                                   -'A'



Now to teach you how to write good excuse notes. Point wise follow these guidelines as this should keep you out of trouble.
  •       The golden rule is : Learn the usage of the alphabet and of course use your “mother-tongue” preferably to “touch” you parents' hearts...remember nothing can manipulate your parents more than “Emotional Attyachar” as they say here in the land of SCAMSTERS and COWS,  Know your subject well. The subject here I’m referring to is the topic of your note.    
                                                                 Now for example If your writing a excuse note to your teachers     (I know I’m deviating from the topic...) for being absent DO NOT "RIGHT" THIS KIND OF A NOTE.. : Please Accuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. I know what you’re thinking... ”Accuse”..?? (Talk about confession), Dumb-Asses, the spellings don’t matter! Look the dates this whiz-kid mentions...32, 33..?? This is what I Mean when I say know your subject well.
  •            Do not use pencils or the like. Use permanent Ink markers or pens which when written leave a lasting impression, literally. Cause you know there are brothers and sisters out there who will go out of their way to get you into trouble.
  • ·         The best excuses are those which are blamed on others. I know none of you is willing to attest blame to a friend or anyone close to you but let me tell you something; all these people are around you for a reason. Either they want something from you or they have their own sadistic reasons. So get cracking and affix blame on someone. You can always make up a friend or something. As you shouldn’t be around when your parents read this, it’s fine.
    ·        
    The creation of a nearly unquestionable excuse lies at the core of the thought process of a person. The clearer you are in your mind (ATTENTION: IN YOUR CASE IT CAN BE THE KNEE CAP TOO...), the better excuse can you write or TYPE. (As Indians we must encourage the I.T Industry)
    The definition of excuse according to the Google search I just made are..
    ato make apology for
    b : to try to remove blame from.
    Here at D-mail we always prefer option ‘b’. Because you see even statistically there is a greater chance of escaping blame FOR A FAULT of yours by blaming it on someone rather than making an apology. And to add more reason let’s face it we’re all just too much of an egoist to make apologies.


    Now coming to the result of following these guidelines. As I type this, ‘D’ is busy calling up all our lawyers and a few judges ;) to prepare ourselves for lawsuits. If you systematically follow what I have prescribed earlier in this post no harm will come to you 

    (Don’t worry OUR definitions of HARM differ a LOT).

    But seriously com'mon..Just give it a TRY!!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Un-Aware

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Firefly