Naughtyfications

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Monday, May 24, 2010

Flare-Well




I was looking forward to posting THIS for quite a while now, but couldn't due to lack of time. Well Even though I didn’t officially get a chance to speak before everyone (All thanks to Mortein), I did prepare the fare-well speech. Well, here goes:


Before I speak out, I’d like you all to please spare half a minute in silence, praying for the soul of great Y.S.R, RIP .……. Now, I’d like you to spare 1 minute mourning the coming to power of Mr. Rosiah………. Thank You!



Good Day! Excited? I suppose so, because I surely am not. I couldn’t wait to give out this speech and get it over with. Before I carry out anything else I thought I owe gratitude to four most important people, who stood their stand, who were here longer than most of us but most importantly, who stood there for us right when we needed them. They are the four pillars of All Saints’ High School. Naming them would be an honour to me and all of us, they are: Mrs. (Misters) Sanju, Rayappa, A.Robin and Prakash.



Rayappa – We thank you for that daily bell ringing!

Sanju Uncle- Thanks for exchanging the benches, right before our getting caught in the act.

Robin Uncle- For all the arranged engagements.

Mr. Prakash- For the gate keeping at the two most important times.

And also a special mentioning of Mr. Watchman, for giving us that extra 10 five minutes!


To the teachers I pledge a toast. How essential were they in molding us, sorry ‘Moulding’ us. Them I have no words to describe except…

“Randy

Dilapidated

Manic

Rapacious

Libellous

Nefarious

Decrepit

Pro Pro

Rancid

Disparaging

Lascivious

Scurrilous and

Ravenous

These, as you know are still not enough. In a sentence I’d describe them as, ‘The ONLY things that stand in the way of a blissful and triumphant school life’. In short, ‘Pain in both the Ass and the Mind!’


Revered Bother Sleeva Reddy has been like an angel to all of us, the Angel Of Death, to be specific. However, he hasn’t succeeded in his ‘mission’ and so has been replaced by Shajan, whose only aspiration in life is to expand and upgrade the primary bloc. It seems, it’s of ‘primary’ importance to him. I wonder after all this, will there even be a need for a High School in All Saints’ “HIGH SCHOOL”?!


The whole experience or rather, experiences were quite cherishing. When we were Kindergarteners, the class room was our world, with only the recess to take pleasure in that cruel dark world. I still remember the first torment of the LKG, The colouring inside of bodies according to colour code instead of our imaginations. We didn’t have the Right to colour the image according to what makes it look better, it was either code of an ‘F’ (Short for ****) in assignments. But the more ‘We Grew’, the more ‘We Knew’, the best teachers proved to be the Aayammas, Whoa! can you imagine how fast our vocabularies expanded!!


Primary was quite refreshing with newer subjects like ENV (Environmental Sciences) which formed the basis for the Most Important Study (or rather instinct) of All Time. Then came the time to use Computers, although it was MS Paint, the whole experience of trying out different ways of crashing the School Computers started, but unfortunately we were successful only once. No matter, atleast it was a stepping stone to success. By IXth, 12 Comps were victoriously crashed and I even thought of a plan to make them worthless pieces of silicon. This I did by corrupting the software controlling the CD/ DVD ROM. This meant, the computer was beyond human repair. My Class Mates however had other ideas, a primitive one was spattering {oral amylase} on the insides of the CPU(had the same effect with slightest effort, but with a risk of DNA tracking, which I consider non-fundable, atleast not for our school). Primary also brought with it ‘Dance Classes’, every week. Even though we boys couldn’t get much of an opportunity, we really loved watching dancing birds (Ornithology is fun). Especially their twirls and rotations and, our seating arrangement during them, you know, us, with a higher angle of depression, line of sight right into them [‘As Above, So Below’]. It seems that even though we didn’t, at that time, have the opportunity to drink the wine of our youth, we had quite a pleasure drinking the teachers’!!


Then happened high school, with bags and teachers, both getting heavier. Social Studies was partitioned into Geography, Economics, History, Civics. With GEO teaching us, all the crap other countries have in colossal bulk. HIS taught us, how other countries dumped their crap into ours in exchange for all our valuables. ECO taught us, how to carefully use this bulky crap, dividing the whole population with crap. But, CIV taught something very much different, it gave us the idea of our Rights, something like the freedom of Expression. Though we were oppressed, we found many other places to practise it. By the time we learnt about the other rights, we had found the perfect place to express our opinions, a place, till date no teacher (F) could set foot upon. A gesture we used to describe it has become a trademark, “lmy” (look closely). Computers were to be used once again, though we had to use ‘C-language’, we had MS Encarta, minimized. ‘C’ was nothing when compared to the ‘Knowledge’ we gained through the encyclopaedia. With special features like ‘Vibrant Images, Life-like Animations and our very own HD Videos’, I’d heartily like to thank Bill Gates, for this magnificent invention.(The content however was seriously NOT to be caught viewing, a big ‘NO’).


Assemblies were quite entertaining, the Dances (Esp. Western), the Skits (Esp. Mistakes) and the Speeches (Esp. Sleeva). The best part about high school was the recess and humongous ground we got free with it. Football was our common favourite. Often during play, we used to cause severe damage to ourselves and others. I myself have had four fractures, coincidentally, one on each limb, and again, all hair- line; Study materials increased but with it, stress busters like mobiles, I-Pods, PSPs, PMPs, Footballs, Exquisite Snacks like Dark Chocolate etc. These were everyday items. As students it was our duty to have atleast one of the above. Call it, ‘protocol’.

The main aim of true school life was to break every record in the book (Replace record with ‘Rules’ and book with ‘Diary’). Minimum one rule was to be broken by every student regardless of caste, creed, sex, breed, grade, teacher’s pet, school bully, geek, back bencher, board incharge, dunce, out-stander, ‘OUT stander etc., everyone had to do it to be accepted or assessed in the society (school). I have a personal record of 15 breaks out of the usual 16 rules (really close)! The only thing I couldn’t do was ‘cheat’ (No! I wasn’t a good nut, It’s just that, I couldn’t bear the fact that I’d be going to hell as the perfect devil, that would unquestionably draw attention)!!


As a Cabinet Member, I had done quite a lot of FREE service to the school, but, equally FREE damage too; call it the ‘Hancock Effect’! Uncle Ben taught us that, “With great power comes great responsibility” and my response to that was’ I’m happy he’s dead’. My first reaction, on being a Cabinet Member was “YES!” One year later it turned out to be, “Yes, teacher”!! “Slaves we were; to the school. Maintaining discipline, sacrificing ‘Time-Pass’ time during free periods, recess, before and after school. Wow! Did my life get sucked away?!” I would have spoken the above double quoted statements, if it weren’t for two single quotes on my devilish name, ‘D’-


If I myself wasn’t disciplined, how can you expect me to maintain discipline in others? During free periods, I personally made sure no substitute would enter the class. This I did by speaking to the MAN-IN-CHARGE, telling him that another one of our subject teachers had taken the period. A great diversion indeed!! (Students Take Note Of The Above.). Recess gave me equal opportunities to enjoy; they said that 75% duty attendance is a requirement for all Cabbies and I precisely gave them what they wanted, 75% of attendance. At least that’s what The General Secretary did for me (It pays to have contacts in high places)!!


The irony of school life is that, “During regular school days, you beg for holidays, but, during holidays, you get so bored that you eventually pray for school to re-open again” And also, even today I feel that, ‘though I despised those 12 long school years, I still want them all back’, The canteen, where we spent more time than money; the library, where his-story didn’t go far in the past but was quite recent and fresh; the principal’s office, which had more than one occupant at any given time; the toilets, which never LET you TOIL; the First-AID(S) room, which never ran out of occupants as much as it ran out of supplies; the stair-case, which resisted the heaviest of stampedes, twice a day, for six days a week; the picnics, which never ever were according to schedule (thanks to us); friends, who never left you alone, not even there…..; and the benches, which had pure creativity and literary genius on them, updated daily; These memories are worth storing somewhere and I swear, if I get a chance, I’ll re-live them, right from the start (start as in, KG). College may be next, but School, I shall never ever forget. I can imagine 50 years later, when I retire from my profession and have had a so called satisfactory life, I’ll still think about the school and also, maybe before my journey ‘downwards’, I’ll even stop by. But as for Sleeve and crew, I’ll see you in hell along with “All” the “Saints”!!


Oh My! This one is seriously long, I started out on what I thought of as a speech and in the end, what came out is a whole memoir. Anyway, hope you liked it, because this is never ever going to be spoken out in any fare-well party, atleast not in All Saints’!!