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Saturday, October 30, 2010

TACTICAL WINKING:

D'N'A has come a long way in it's endeavors. Our thoughts and ideas are making waves. As the saying goes "Two heads are better than one". We have thus created a new Species of posts which involves the works of the great "Wayward de Bongo". Who has a Ph.D in Oology from Awkward, Cleavbridge and Whorward Universities. De Bongo Emphasizes the need for Conceiving (ideas)  and suggests ways of Doing IT differently. Some of them include 'The six leaking pants', 'How To Have Destructive Ideas', 'Mechanism of the Hind' and this one.... All these post will be combined under one Label  ie., "COLLATERAL THINKING". Hope that you'll enjoy this prototype. Which will soon be a full fledged Post.


 TACTICAL WINKING:


Every Minute, the eye becomes a lodging for about 180 different species of bacteria and micro-organisms. They feed on the cornea and also the Sclera of the eye and thus damage the outer layer of the eyeball. All this can be stopped, all the bacteria can be destroyed and all the infections can be prevented by one small, simple and instantaneous action, you bet! "The Wink".  


Like the heart, the eye-lids make an expansion and a contraction, however, one expansion is called the tubb and one contraction is called the butt.Together, they make one Butt-Tubb, also called, One Wink. The wink is so powerful that it has been given the honor as the "Universal Gesture of Infatuation, Intimidation and Infection", called the three I's of the EYE. The wink is unisex in terms of usage but may have different meanings and methodologies. The oldest known wink was by Janet Smith(Name Changed), on whom Christopher Columbus had a crush and for which he traveled around the globe only to end up in America. The other wink which is of untold importance is that of Beethoven, who was really fond of one of his audience members, who used to visit him in every 'Performance'(Onstage or Backstage).Later it is believed that her boy-friend sprayed into his eyes the very thing that attracted chicks, "Axe-Music Star".

Jokes apart, the deadliest wink in history was that of Ferdinand Arch Duke of Germany's Wife. Who was attracted to Vladamir Aijer, A Bosnian Serb, who didn't like to share and wanted her all for himself. In the course of Ferdinand's assassination, Vlad could not differentiate between him and the Driver, so he shot at both of them, amidst that the love of his life(Ferd's Wife) got shot.

From all these examples what do we learn? Do not commit adultery? or Do not Love anybody? If it were up to me I wouldn't mind both but as a good citizen, my job is to give you "Good Education". I'm forced to answer 'NAY', the reason, some of the above people weren't successful in their "Endeavors" was that none of them read "Tactical Winking" by Sir "Wayward de Bongo". Let me take this opportunity to share my knowledge and on the way give you the review of the book by the greatest and most inspiring writer who never lived!!



What do you do when a hot chick(For M's) or a Handsome Hunk(For F's) or a Hotandsome Chunk(For MxF's) comes by, just across the road and makes eye contact with you. The eye contact wouldn't last for long[approx. 1.03 sec, by the standard measurements]. In these 1.03 seconds what signal you send matters. 1.03 seconds can result in either serious consequences like, a black patch, arrest for Eve/Adam/Adame teasing or a new hot date, {OR} it could give you consequences like conjunctivitis, a foreign body or worse "Nothing". Are you one of those who get the last of the above consequences, or are you the one who always gets the diseases. Whatever the case the solution is the same 'Wink'. You'll benefit a lot by this post.

The main elements in successful winking are Confidence, Muscle Control and Timing, without which, your chances of landing Apollo 15 may be possible, but not a date.

Confidence is what matters in life, the reason we fail is confidence(lack), the reason Shakespeare was successful was confidence, the reason Lincoln has so many secret descen.....err, you get the point. Without confidence, no life-form may exist or remain existent. That's why confidence in winking is of highest priority. A wink, you may think, is just moving the eye-lid. But the force applied in the very movement makes a lot of difference. The average wink requires about 0.03J of force, but a successful wink requires needs something between 0.08-0.1J of force. And it must be noted that a confident wink needs to be using only one eye, if both eyes together wink, the whole effect would be nullified and then it would no longer be called a "Wink" but a "Blink", which is also a life saver in many encounters. But whats more important is results.So raise up your confidence, have belief in yourself because, if you don't do it, someone else will take away your opportunity.

The other element is Muscle control. The face muscle Co-ordination, the heart pump reduction, and the mouth-butt shutinization, all are important aspects of Muscle control, which determine the consequences of a wink.

The main problem with amateur winkers is that they don't care about the Pro-Wink stage, which is also very important. The urban myth that says, 'After a wink, always smile' is all wrong. The true reaction, after executing a wink is to break eye contact, and then return it a split second later, that too, without ANY, I repeat without ANY facial expression. A muscle twitch is the last thing you need in these circumstances, which reflects fear in you. And If you smile the person will KNOW that you're a pervert. The muscle relaxation is very important. A little advice on muscle control:- Practise 'Beer-shasana', a very recent yogic discovery. Which involves intake of pure energy and release of toxins. This is usually done by a jar of 500ml Strong or 1000ml Mild Beer.


Timing is the last but the least element of successful winking. All the professional winkers, who now hold a very high position(Airplanes, Charminar etc ) write to me about the importance of timing in winking. The advice they give is that whenever you find a person reading something, your chances of a successful wink is 87% but if you find a person talking to someone, then also your chances are also 87%, but not for getting approval, instead get ready to head down-town, or atleast get ready for an eye transplant. Care should be taken that your wink reaches the person in the first try itself, because, in the second, the effect can go into the negative side. If you find the person's eyebrow bent towards the center, then it's the perfect signal saying "RUN!!". If there's a twitch of the cheek, then your prey is ready to be lunch (or an evening snack). So timing is much more important than you think. A wink is not always executed in style, it can be a simple yet appealing one, that way you can hook the prey onto your fishing rod, or onto something else...


The importance of these elements can only be understood in their usage. A self help book on this topic would lead you nowhere(because you're being helped by a total bone-head). Study this book twice or thrice to get yourself an admission into W.I.D.O.W. or the Wayward's Institute of Destruction, Obfuscation and Winking.

But if you just want want to land yourself into...sorry, let me rephrase, "If you want to land a date or catch your prey", implement these elements. But on the other hand you 'DON'T Land the date', it's either because 'You're a Geek, You're Weak OR Your Pants Leak', but that's entirely a different story, As for this one, all I have to say is "Au Revoir"!!

Monday, October 25, 2010

THE LO-DOWN:

'MIND IT' MANIA



"RAJINIKANTH", the king of full-on fiction in movies has earned himself a standing ovation from 'D', for his out standing, Extraordinary performance on the silver screen(The only place where such things occur). 'D' is awestruck by his acting and the roles that come by him and is willing to honor his soul with all the great achievements Rajinikanth has...well, achieved. Here are 10 of the best things Rajinikanth Can do. (The following were performed by an expert in all forms of special effects and the author of "How to Do everything Sci-Fi and yet be famous"):-

10) Q: How many Rajinikanths are required to change a light bulb?

A: None, because Rajini is bright enough to use, than a light bulb.


9) Rajinikanth Wears Diamond plated-Gold ornaments.

8) Rajinikanth weighs 70kgs in Space.

7) Polar Ice caps melt due to Rajinikanth's Body Heat.

6) Rajinikanth Can Ask an Answer.

5) The character of 'James Bond' is based on Rajinikanth's Childhood.

4) Rajinikanth's terrace is on the ground floor.

3) Rajinikanth Knows the Capital of Hyderabad.

2) The Queen of England was elected by Rajinikanth.

The Best Entry by D'N'A is

1) Rajinikanth never wore diapers in his life. The reason is, he could Aim anyway!!


{This list is in every way concerned with Rajinikanth and his affiates. All disputes must be cleared through "Uranus Jurisdiction"!}

An Announcement:Good News and Bad News for those who read "The D-Mail". The Bad News is that your life is spared, as of now. The good news is that Deathmail will now be Co-Owned by 'A', and together we are the, "D'N'A", that means double the humor and double the AdultRated Sarcasm,which definitely means "Darkness shall forever Reign"!!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

THE ULTIMATE NEED



"Seek ye all you like, but vain be, thy strife,
Pray all you can, for that is, but life."
The truth filled eyes, bear not, I can
So very far away, therefore I ran.

"Vain, Vain" is all I can hear,
Pain, pain caused, many a tear,
A wounded heart heals, they say
but, that I think is never to be.

Crushed from within, I cry aloud
to which even the red wood, bowed,
tears do flow, like rivers, perennial
My soul, now is dead, lifeless, ethereal

The truth when heard, in such crude form
takes away smiles, like the desert storm,
How am I, a child, so young,
Going to bear, of grief, such burden?

Swaying free, I transport myself back,
Forgetting all, my precious dreams,
Shattered are they, my preserved hope,
Nothing is left of this child, heartless, mope;

Who has right to take away joy,
Who has dominion over free souls,
Why am I being judged so soon,
Why should only MY cup be, with holes?

Is this perseverance, that maketh me strong,
Or is it just fate, unfair and wrong.
Hopelessly I stare about, for none, to care
Revolting is not a choice, since I lack the Dare.

'Death', it is I, who call upon you,
I do have need, it's completely true,
Why won't you take pity, on an insignificant germ?
Come to my rescue, come, I end my term....


I hear a knock, on the door, west,
In the school of dead, have I passed the test?
Swings the door, bringing guilt inside,
"Alright, Alright", I heard, "To you, I lied"

"There is faith, there is hope,
don't be down or you'll face slope.
I give you what you lost, Oh! So awfully you moan.
Take, I return to you, your stupid, "Mobile Phone" !!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

QUIZzzz...

The Next Edition Of the Questionnaire For The Bizarre is here, before you're eyes. So what are you staring at this Line for, LOOK DOWN...






1 ) The Most "PRODUCTIVE" Company in the world, this organization deals with 'Connections' and Communication. Name It.
  S(i)emens


2 ) Which Place in England is also Called The Land of Tolerance, a county filled with Gay and Cheerful People (The name is a noun but may sound like a verb)?
 
MiddleSex


3 ) Name the most KNOTTY President in the history of America. His name literally Rhymes with Babe.
 
Abe "Link"on


4 ) a "B.Ed" student after her examination results were out, telegraphed(Happened somewhere in the Triassic Period) her family. Her family after reading the message got quite pissed off. The Message was somehow misinterpreted by the translator. What could the final have message been?
 
"Successful in BED" (Telegraphs don't have dots)


5 ) The Director of a movie 'X' was left completely sterile ,lifelong, after making the movie which lasted a little longer than the great solar eclipse of 26/7/09. what does 'X' stand for?
 



6 ) Name the Goddess of the Romans, who loved the Blacks so much that she used a word related to them in her name.
   
Afro - Deity




Bonus: Name the golfer who used to "hit in" as well as "hit on" birdies?

 
Obviously the 'TIGER'



See ya later with something all the more better. Different Time-line same place!!