Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Monday, November 29, 2010


Sunday, November 28, 2010

Dark Fantasy:


An ideal Drug (As studied in Kindergarten), should possess the following characters:
1) It should not have any side effects
2) It's effect should be localized at the site of action
3) It should give you the feeling of self-importance
4) It should give you $5000 (Just Kidding)

Well, we all know what an ideal drug is, but have you ever seen one in real life, or at least tasted or smelled it? Let me tell you, I have! I've even gone to the seventh hell and back. Before you, stop jumping to conclusions, Let me tell you that, the drug, which I'm talking about beats all the rest with a titanic margin. It gives you a high and also makes yours' high. The drug I'm talking about is not cocaine, heroin or even cat nip. it's, It's, IT'S, "Chocolate". Loved by all, hated by none, 100% Vegetarian, 80% Aphrodisiac, 70% Medicine, 60% Food and 50% Pocket money (Inflation). All in all, that's like 340% Ideal Drug. If you haven't tasted it, you haven't tasted life yet, (You're a waste of space, go vaxuum a vacuum cleaner). I've decided today to "Educate" you on Chocolates. Also considered by a few, to be Evil, chocolate is indeed a magnet for SIN(s) (All Seven of them). Let's not judge and instead get on with them:-

Chocolate Eating has it's history way back in 10,000 B.C. When Jeik-ayse (Pronounced: Jackass) and Ayse-ole (Pronounced: any way you like), two brothers of Ma'ak-e-tribe discovered the first cocoa, they did it in mammoth excreta and mistook the entire scoop to be, eh..., chocolate, It was only Later, that they understood (Not until all their stables were cleaned). The next popular use was that of the Aztecs (Ancestors of Willy Wonka's 'Umpa Lumpas'), they really knew how to appreciate cocoa. These people loved Cocoa so much that they initially used it as currency. That's where GREED (The First of the Seven sins) started ,followed by corruption and through which Development sprang!!

"What connects Obama, Switzerland, Ghana and Hershey's?  "

I've added the Man in black, for one simple reason, he's looked 'Up to', looked 'After' and looked 'Into', the same way chocolates are. And not because he looks like an over grown "Dairy-Milk".

ALERT: Do NOT try to Lick, bite, suck or even sniff him. he's not edible and tastes terrible!!

That takes us back in time to the 1400's when a few chocolatiers  decided to be created which caused about a huge increase in population. Thus letting some unlucky and sterile eunuchs torture their owners, in the name of Witch Hunts. The main reason for all the commotion, In my expert opinion was ENVY among the human i-pills. Envy may be Green, but that doesn't mean it's clean. So rightfully it's our second sin.

Theobroma Cacao, as it is scientifically called is your only solution to problems and "Needs". Let's now have a scientific approach towards the chocolate revolution. This god given ambrosia, INSIDE the plants can be termed as Alkaloid. In lay man's (literally) terms, that means- for plants chocolate is Excreta, waste. That doesn't mean you should stop eating it. I won't discourage you. Let's move on,  But what makes chocolate so addictive is the presence of the chemical substance, PhenylethylAmine,which is the same chemical produced in the brain when you're in' love or Makin' love. So technically, Chocolate is an Aphrodisiac, which supplements, not only your Oral Appeasing (Taste), but also your Oral Appeasing (Non-Taste). In conclusion, all I have to say is that, "Lust for chocolate, makes lust for 'The other chocolate', as well". In sense, Chocolate brings LUSTnumber 3 on our Sin list (And the most attractive one too)!!

An Old man once said, "Chocolates will be the cause of the III World War!!", maybe he's right, OR, maybe he lives in the loony bin, happily married to Bugs Bunny. Nevertheless, it may have a chance of coming true, considering, how the chocolate industry is progressing. Imagine it's latest AD :-

  2 in 1 Chocolate MAN-a-QUIN :-

"Used as an ideal snack or , at night as an ideal snake."

If that happens, men will turn from Use-less to 'Used'-Less. The same can be said regarding other genders (All 377 of them and counting..). The worst is not in the "Replacement" part,  It's the ingestion of chocolate. A West Virginian Man was said to have consumed nothing but chocolates, his entire life. You know what happened to him, He's now a "Cadbury's Dairy Milk Special Edition Pack". That's the effect.Chocolates have!! So much fat and calories, it has that it can help run an electric bike for a year (Just plug it into your rear socket and watch it Go!!). If something like that is possible for you, your name will have to be changed to, John "Glutton" Berg. Which reminds me, GLUTTONY is the Fourth sin !!

Let me tell you a little about the chocolate people, The Aztecs. According to historic writings in my mind, The Aztecs believed that chocolate was given to them by their god, Quetzalcoatl and Their King prided in his cocoa gardens and supply so much that it is said, he used to drink ten cups of pure liquid chocolate and each in a separate Golden cup (Which was wastefully discarded after only a single use). Quite, useful, If you had twenty wives to please. He was also rumored to have slept 15 hours a day (divided by 20 for each). He even demanded taxes in cocoa beans. Because of these 'High' demands from his people, the Lazy Oaf was easily defeated by invaders and ants. Chocolate may have led to his "UPRISE", but SLOTH and PRIDE (The 5th and 6th Deadly Sins), Led to his Downfall.

That brings us to the last sin, WRATH. I don't have to give any details for this one. How would you feel, if you got a really "Sensuous Delicious Special Edition Dark Chocolate Bar", and suddenly, you're made to share it or worse sacrifice it for a stupid crying baby who didn't even know it's value? If that happened to me, I'd explode with a higher intensity than an atom bomb attached to Osama's Tail, and literally give myself to the Dark Forces. That feeling, my friend is lovingly called, Wrath.  So what have we learn't from all the above? That Chocolate may outwardly look like a healer from heaven, but it's actually a Hell-Fiend THAT HAS COME UP TO PULL YOU DOWN, INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS OF HELL ITSELF!!!!! 

Well, that's not what I wanted you to learn today. The above maybe true, but the actual lesson is that, The little brown bar of chocolate is your friend indeed . It's your Dark Knight, at a dark night. It's your pocket pleasurizer but most importantly It's F***ing Tasty. So Don't forget your 'Bar', nor your chocolate Bar. That's all for D'N'A's Special Report. Have a 'Rough' night!!


Saturday, November 27, 2010

The "PUN"gent :

This is a "The D-MAIL☣" Special feature which I'm sure will get your tongue out and your humerus (funny bone), tickled till they burst out. This kind Of Posts will be Something of a periodic view. An odd connection between Reality and Imagination. The "PUN"gent, gets it's name because of the Bitter, critical and PUN which We gents are to offer. We really wanted you to have it. So don't forget to view it.

Here are Two posts. As a Prototype Bonus. There are Exabytes more. I'm Seriously Joking.  ;-) 


We will be back, same time, another day. So STAY TUNED!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


True greatness is not made, it is born. I used to believe that until I met him. He got his endarkment not under a tree, but under the blanket. Born in a humble Baimani family, he soon changed his name from Veerubai Baimani to his present name. We call him, His Pervertous, The Great, Stree Stree, BABA RANDI. Extracted from his way of life and preachings, "The D-MAIL☣" is proud to post this, Welcome it with Demotion :-

10)  A dutiful beauty is your toy forever.

9)  You can ogle some people all the time, or all people some times, but you can't ogle of all people's all the time.

8)  Don't count your chicks before they catch your patch.

7)  You can bring Ho's to your lower pool, but you can't make them suck.

6)  Maternity is the mother of Intention and insanity is it's illegitimate son.

5)  A bitch in time saves dime.

4)  Where there's ill will, there's a gay.

3)   An early bird gets the sperm.

2)  Too many hookers spoil the sloth.

And His Pervertousness' Most Loved....

1)  Early to BED, Early to RISE makes a PRO (Ho), healthy wealthy and wise.

Wisdom, is Scarred, when one does not appreciate it. Use these daily Demotional chants, take it into your soul. And once you do, inner peace will not stop you, no matter what....

Stay tuned to this column for more inspirational Quotes by His Pervertousness,  BABA RANDI.

Monday, November 15, 2010


Ever wondered how Hitler, Mozart, Cleopatra and Charlie Chaplin became so powerful in their lives and respective fields of work (except Cleopatra, she never worked she PLAYED)? Did you ever want to be like them? If not, then just pluck out you eye balls or,  the other ones if you don't have the former, and just quit reading ahead. BUT, if you have, then you definitely need MOTI-vation. Conception is quite a difficult topic to teach especially of IDEAS (and not what you had in mind!). But "The D-MAIL??" has the ability to Challenge all Challenges. We bring you the perfect translation of one of Wayward de Bongo's Classics, "How To Conceive Destructive Ideas" (The Original had to be translated from 'Stupid' to 'English').

Yes, I do agree, Ideas don't come by often, but when they do, You need to be ready and if you are perfect with 'The Secrets', I'm going to reveal, then you'll be ready to obliterate the Ozone Layer, Invade Mars or even Exhort any Random President's Random Illegitimate Offspring. Get ready for the ride of your life, get ready to forgo your wife. For the ideas will burn you through -

Have you ever heard of the famous Quote by the Most famous, Baba Randi, "Misfortune Flavors The Plate"? Well, It has nothing to do with this topic, I am just too hungry...... The very soul craves for a deep yet enriching fulfillment. The kind of which, is impossible to end. It can only be fueled and is not connected to the soul or heart, because those parts are by default "Good". The craving can be fueled by only "EVIL". Think B.A.D. (Bastards' Alternate Devotion), think this way,"Everyone Thinks Of Peace In The World, But I Think Of A World In Pieces", This should be your daily Motivational (Or in our terms, DEMOtional) Mantra every day. Destructive thoughts are not conceived by only the Sadists or Dictators, each and every one of us is bound to evil. It's only that we hide it in, under the impression that it's a disease. But I tell you, there is nothing wrong in having such thoughts (As long as its not about me, otherwise I'll suck out your marrow with my nose, just like people do with cocaine). All you need is some fine polishing. As you  know Polished Black is shinier than Polished Gold. Think Black, the very color that has all the others in it.

The food for the brain is glucose, but that is not enough to sooth our demonic Lust for destruction. You need to feed your MIND also and do you know that, like an addict your mind craves for evil. If not given, it goes into a deep Dopey sleep which can be termed medically as "Goodness". So I tell you feed the mind with lots and lots of Bad, kick you neighbor's child, Love your neighbor (Only when of the opposite gender, or the same if you know!). That way you'll definitely think bad and soon if given much practice will eventually turn into thinking 'destructive'. Another way of doing it is to get into WIDOW (Wayward's Institute of Destruction, Obfuscation and Winking). The entry fee is a willing mind and a hardworking body (apart from unjust amounts of blood donations for their two pet vampire bats Albert Ratinson and Kirsten Stu wort), 50%  extra for O+ and 50% discount for HIV+. Right now let me brief you on what happens there...

Destroying something is not as easy as it seems. It takes a lot of planning and thinking, you require huge amounts of strategy and tactical knowledge on aspects of scientific..., Who am I kidding, destroying something is very easy. But the primary problem is not destruction, it's the product. In the end, what matters is, were you caught or were you praised for whatever you did. Take General O'Drier for example. At the Jalianwala Bagh, he didn't talk and showed with his actions what speaks louder (Now that is perfect execution of Destructive Planning!!) And what did he get in return? Obviously, Praise, and that is what Your aim should be. Another example is Hitler, he started off a world war and people still can't get him out of their minds (some can't, from their pants). So whenever you think, Think BIG but make sure you think DESTRUCTIVE !!

Movies also play an important role in the Construction of Destructive ideas. Take the "Silence Of The Lambs" for example, a mad cannibal like, HanniBall had so many Balls to do what he did, all thanks to destructive thinking, which you can learn from. The movie "Exorcist" however gives you a more appropriate definition of destruction (of mind), I'm not taking about the demon child, but am implying on the Child's mother, who was the actual culprit in the transformation of her child (Which the director, a scared Pussy, didn't have the guts to reveal). That again, is all thanks to Destructive Thinking (Watch & Learn) !!

A very famous breathing exercise by one of the greatest monks, Rasputin, helps a lot in these practices. What you have to do is close your eyes and yell out with all your mind and heart, the holey word, "FU*K", exhaling large amounts of positive energy, thereby making your body charged and filled with Electrons and Morons. The thing can be suitably performed in a crowded public place or before your Higher Ups/ Lower Downs (I'm not talking about body parts), this helps in sharing the feelings of Mutual Fury and Emaciation. I've seen many people happier with their lives, only after ending others'.

Wayward de Bongo once in a conference told his pupil that killing someONE is the lowest form of destruction. Just like in Holesale stores, MASS quantities are more profitable, you need to kill MASS. Mostly because killing one idiot, creates another idiot hell bent on vengeance, most of all, wear their undies on the Outside. Some of Whose, like Bratman's, is quite tight and 'Sterilizing', that's the reason you don't get to see a 'Bruce Wayne Junior'. So the only way is to use the Theoretically Right System, called the "Chain Method", in short---- If you want to kill someone, kill the person's whole family and friends and in turn, kill the friends' Family and friends and then the friends' friends' family and friends and so on...; That way, If you're successful and survive, you'll have no witnesses-to-murder nor will there be anyone living in this world. Just like Steel Smith in the Movie, "I am Lemon" or was it, "I stem Melon"? Whatever it was, the depiction was apt (Except for the zombie part, the saving part and possibly the Movie Part)!

The last thing I want to add to your planning minds is the use of the proper attitude. Whenever people say "Yes, I CAN", You should immediately reply "NO", if opposed, ask them to answer this question, "CAN YOU LICK YOUR OWN D**K?"..... Your attitude should not be pointing towards what your intentions are,Like when you want to burn down someone like 'ShahRug's House', you should be cool about it and be alert for any disturbances, but most importantly be quick and Creative. That way when the contrACTOR comes and sees what you've done to his Asylum, he shouldn't be shocked, but impressed as to how greatly you've rid him of his worldly pleasures and Wealth Tax. However, If he isn't satisfied, I suggest you rid him of his 'Health Tax' also!!

NOTE:  The best thing is that, in the end if "NOTHING works out", then turn EVERYTHING else into NOTHING!! In other words, 'If destruction doesn't help, add More and more destruction and finish any and every evidence of destruction', just like our favorite character, "Mason", of "Dry-day the 13th" fame.

In conclusion, all I have to say is, Ideas are found in every nook and cronie of the mind, but Destructive ones come only once in Two Blue moons, to normal HOMOs, but for those who practice the above (I have no idea what!!), they will be successful in all their endeavors, Provided, They're for the Greater Bad, and not unselfish, humanitarian, goody two smelly shoes reason. If that's the case, then All that you learnt will go against you. For only Dire, Daring and Deadly deeds are Welcome by D'N'A!!

If you're wondering,  If all that I've posted above didn't work out for me, why the heaven, am I sharing it in the first place, then I can tell you, "Those who can, Do. But those who can't, hide behind an underwater rock and disintegrate into oblivion". If you're still wondering why, Even After the above Distracting statement, then my answer would be ...sch..sch sch...schschsch.......{SIGNAL OUT}

Monday, November 1, 2010

Yenna Anna:

The Man just can't get out of our heads. He's done so much that we thought we just HAD to pay 'tribute', to him. So here's the Lo-Down on more of Rajinikanth's Stunts:

10)  Rajinikanth can Empty Vacuum

9)   Rajinikanth Downloaded the Internet
8)   Rajinikanth Predicts the Past
Additional : 7.5) Paul the Octopus was actually Rajinikanth's Daughter
7)  Rajinikanth Collides Elastically

6)  Rajinikanth can Skin Bones

5)  Rajinikanth fires a gun with a Bullet

4)  Rajinikanth Photographed Music
3)  Rajinikanth's Plane travels the Subway

2) Rajinikanth Writes in the Sign Language
The Best Entry Of This Post Is:

1) Rajinikanth Milked a Bull