Sunday, November 28, 2010
An ideal Drug (As studied in Kindergarten), should possess the following characters:
1) It should not have any side effects
2) It's effect should be localized at the site of action
3) It should give you the feeling of self-importance
4) It should give you $5000 (Just Kidding)
Well, we all know what an ideal drug is, but have you ever seen one in real life, or at least tasted or smelled it? Let me tell you, I have! I've even gone to the seventh hell and back. Before you, stop jumping to conclusions, Let me tell you that, the drug, which I'm talking about beats all the rest with a titanic margin. It gives you a high and also makes yours' high. The drug I'm talking about is not cocaine, heroin or even cat nip. it's, It's, IT'S, "Chocolate". Loved by all, hated by none, 100% Vegetarian, 80% Aphrodisiac, 70% Medicine, 60% Food and 50% Pocket money (Inflation). All in all, that's like 340% Ideal Drug. If you haven't tasted it, you haven't tasted life yet, (You're a waste of space, go vaxuum a vacuum cleaner). I've decided today to "Educate" you on Chocolates. Also considered by a few, to be Evil, chocolate is indeed a magnet for SIN(s) (All Seven of them). Let's not judge and instead get on with them:-
Chocolate Eating has it's history way back in 10,000 B.C. When Jeik-ayse (Pronounced: Jackass) and Ayse-ole (Pronounced: any way you like), two brothers of Ma'ak-e-tribe discovered the first cocoa, they did it in mammoth excreta and mistook the entire scoop to be, eh..., chocolate, It was only Later, that they understood (Not until all their stables were cleaned). The next popular use was that of the Aztecs (Ancestors of Willy Wonka's 'Umpa Lumpas'), they really knew how to appreciate cocoa. These people loved Cocoa so much that they initially used it as currency. That's where GREED (The First of the Seven sins) started ,followed by corruption and through which Development sprang!!
"What connects Obama, Switzerland, Ghana and Hershey's? "
I've added the Man in black, for one simple reason, he's looked 'Up to', looked 'After' and looked 'Into', the same way chocolates are. And not because he looks like an over grown "Dairy-Milk".
ALERT: Do NOT try to Lick, bite, suck or even sniff him. he's not edible and tastes terrible!!
That takes us back in time to the 1400's when a few chocolatiers decided to be created which caused about a huge increase in population. Thus letting some unlucky and sterile eunuchs torture their owners, in the name of Witch Hunts. The main reason for all the commotion, In my expert opinion was ENVY among the human i-pills. Envy may be Green, but that doesn't mean it's clean. So rightfully it's our second sin.
Theobroma Cacao, as it is scientifically called is your only solution to problems and "Needs". Let's now have a scientific approach towards the chocolate revolution. This god given ambrosia, INSIDE the plants can be termed as Alkaloid. In lay man's (literally) terms, that means- for plants chocolate is Excreta, waste. That doesn't mean you should stop eating it. I won't discourage you. Let's move on, But what makes chocolate so addictive is the presence of the chemical substance, PhenylethylAmine,which is the same chemical produced in the brain when you're in' love or Makin' love. So technically, Chocolate is an Aphrodisiac, which supplements, not only your Oral Appeasing (Taste), but also your Oral Appeasing (Non-Taste). In conclusion, all I have to say is that, "Lust for chocolate, makes lust for 'The other chocolate', as well". In sense, Chocolate brings LUST, number 3 on our Sin list (And the most attractive one too)!!
An Old man once said, "Chocolates will be the cause of the III World War!!", maybe he's right, OR, maybe he lives in the loony bin, happily married to Bugs Bunny. Nevertheless, it may have a chance of coming true, considering, how the chocolate industry is progressing. Imagine it's latest AD :-
2 in 1 Chocolate MAN-a-QUIN :-
"Used as an ideal snack or , at night as an ideal snake."
If that happens, men will turn from Use-less to 'Used'-Less. The same can be said regarding other genders (All 377 of them and counting..). The worst is not in the "Replacement" part, It's the ingestion of chocolate. A West Virginian Man was said to have consumed nothing but chocolates, his entire life. You know what happened to him, He's now a "Cadbury's Dairy Milk Special Edition Pack". That's the effect.Chocolates have!! So much fat and calories, it has that it can help run an electric bike for a year (Just plug it into your rear socket and watch it Go!!). If something like that is possible for you, your name will have to be changed to, John "Glutton" Berg. Which reminds me, GLUTTONY is the Fourth sin !!
Let me tell you a little about the chocolate people, The Aztecs. According to historic writings in my mind, The Aztecs believed that chocolate was given to them by their god, Quetzalcoatl and Their King prided in his cocoa gardens and supply so much that it is said, he used to drink ten cups of pure liquid chocolate and each in a separate Golden cup (Which was wastefully discarded after only a single use). Quite, useful, If you had twenty wives to please. He was also rumored to have slept 15 hours a day (divided by 20 for each). He even demanded taxes in cocoa beans. Because of these 'High' demands from his people, the Lazy Oaf was easily defeated by invaders and ants. Chocolate may have led to his "UPRISE", but SLOTH and PRIDE (The 5th and 6th Deadly Sins), Led to his Downfall.
That brings us to the last sin, WRATH. I don't have to give any details for this one. How would you feel, if you got a really "Sensuous Delicious Special Edition Dark Chocolate Bar", and suddenly, you're made to share it or worse sacrifice it for a stupid crying baby who didn't even know it's value? If that happened to me, I'd explode with a higher intensity than an atom bomb attached to Osama's Tail, and literally give myself to the Dark Forces. That feeling, my friend is lovingly called, Wrath. So what have we learn't from all the above? That Chocolate may outwardly look like a healer from heaven, but it's actually a Hell-Fiend THAT HAS COME UP TO PULL YOU DOWN, INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS OF HELL ITSELF!!!!!
Well, that's not what I wanted you to learn today. The above maybe true, but the actual lesson is that, The little brown bar of chocolate is your friend indeed . It's your Dark Knight, at a dark night. It's your pocket pleasurizer but most importantly It's F***ing Tasty. So Don't forget your 'Bar', nor your chocolate Bar. That's all for D'N'A's Special Report. Have a 'Rough' night!!