Monday, November 15, 2010


Ever wondered how Hitler, Mozart, Cleopatra and Charlie Chaplin became so powerful in their lives and respective fields of work (except Cleopatra, she never worked she PLAYED)? Did you ever want to be like them? If not, then just pluck out you eye balls or,  the other ones if you don't have the former, and just quit reading ahead. BUT, if you have, then you definitely need MOTI-vation. Conception is quite a difficult topic to teach especially of IDEAS (and not what you had in mind!). But "The D-MAIL??" has the ability to Challenge all Challenges. We bring you the perfect translation of one of Wayward de Bongo's Classics, "How To Conceive Destructive Ideas" (The Original had to be translated from 'Stupid' to 'English').

Yes, I do agree, Ideas don't come by often, but when they do, You need to be ready and if you are perfect with 'The Secrets', I'm going to reveal, then you'll be ready to obliterate the Ozone Layer, Invade Mars or even Exhort any Random President's Random Illegitimate Offspring. Get ready for the ride of your life, get ready to forgo your wife. For the ideas will burn you through -

Have you ever heard of the famous Quote by the Most famous, Baba Randi, "Misfortune Flavors The Plate"? Well, It has nothing to do with this topic, I am just too hungry...... The very soul craves for a deep yet enriching fulfillment. The kind of which, is impossible to end. It can only be fueled and is not connected to the soul or heart, because those parts are by default "Good". The craving can be fueled by only "EVIL". Think B.A.D. (Bastards' Alternate Devotion), think this way,"Everyone Thinks Of Peace In The World, But I Think Of A World In Pieces", This should be your daily Motivational (Or in our terms, DEMOtional) Mantra every day. Destructive thoughts are not conceived by only the Sadists or Dictators, each and every one of us is bound to evil. It's only that we hide it in, under the impression that it's a disease. But I tell you, there is nothing wrong in having such thoughts (As long as its not about me, otherwise I'll suck out your marrow with my nose, just like people do with cocaine). All you need is some fine polishing. As you  know Polished Black is shinier than Polished Gold. Think Black, the very color that has all the others in it.

The food for the brain is glucose, but that is not enough to sooth our demonic Lust for destruction. You need to feed your MIND also and do you know that, like an addict your mind craves for evil. If not given, it goes into a deep Dopey sleep which can be termed medically as "Goodness". So I tell you feed the mind with lots and lots of Bad, kick you neighbor's child, Love your neighbor (Only when of the opposite gender, or the same if you know!). That way you'll definitely think bad and soon if given much practice will eventually turn into thinking 'destructive'. Another way of doing it is to get into WIDOW (Wayward's Institute of Destruction, Obfuscation and Winking). The entry fee is a willing mind and a hardworking body (apart from unjust amounts of blood donations for their two pet vampire bats Albert Ratinson and Kirsten Stu wort), 50%  extra for O+ and 50% discount for HIV+. Right now let me brief you on what happens there...

Destroying something is not as easy as it seems. It takes a lot of planning and thinking, you require huge amounts of strategy and tactical knowledge on aspects of scientific..., Who am I kidding, destroying something is very easy. But the primary problem is not destruction, it's the product. In the end, what matters is, were you caught or were you praised for whatever you did. Take General O'Drier for example. At the Jalianwala Bagh, he didn't talk and showed with his actions what speaks louder (Now that is perfect execution of Destructive Planning!!) And what did he get in return? Obviously, Praise, and that is what Your aim should be. Another example is Hitler, he started off a world war and people still can't get him out of their minds (some can't, from their pants). So whenever you think, Think BIG but make sure you think DESTRUCTIVE !!

Movies also play an important role in the Construction of Destructive ideas. Take the "Silence Of The Lambs" for example, a mad cannibal like, HanniBall had so many Balls to do what he did, all thanks to destructive thinking, which you can learn from. The movie "Exorcist" however gives you a more appropriate definition of destruction (of mind), I'm not taking about the demon child, but am implying on the Child's mother, who was the actual culprit in the transformation of her child (Which the director, a scared Pussy, didn't have the guts to reveal). That again, is all thanks to Destructive Thinking (Watch & Learn) !!

A very famous breathing exercise by one of the greatest monks, Rasputin, helps a lot in these practices. What you have to do is close your eyes and yell out with all your mind and heart, the holey word, "FU*K", exhaling large amounts of positive energy, thereby making your body charged and filled with Electrons and Morons. The thing can be suitably performed in a crowded public place or before your Higher Ups/ Lower Downs (I'm not talking about body parts), this helps in sharing the feelings of Mutual Fury and Emaciation. I've seen many people happier with their lives, only after ending others'.

Wayward de Bongo once in a conference told his pupil that killing someONE is the lowest form of destruction. Just like in Holesale stores, MASS quantities are more profitable, you need to kill MASS. Mostly because killing one idiot, creates another idiot hell bent on vengeance, most of all, wear their undies on the Outside. Some of Whose, like Bratman's, is quite tight and 'Sterilizing', that's the reason you don't get to see a 'Bruce Wayne Junior'. So the only way is to use the Theoretically Right System, called the "Chain Method", in short---- If you want to kill someone, kill the person's whole family and friends and in turn, kill the friends' Family and friends and then the friends' friends' family and friends and so on...; That way, If you're successful and survive, you'll have no witnesses-to-murder nor will there be anyone living in this world. Just like Steel Smith in the Movie, "I am Lemon" or was it, "I stem Melon"? Whatever it was, the depiction was apt (Except for the zombie part, the saving part and possibly the Movie Part)!

The last thing I want to add to your planning minds is the use of the proper attitude. Whenever people say "Yes, I CAN", You should immediately reply "NO", if opposed, ask them to answer this question, "CAN YOU LICK YOUR OWN D**K?"..... Your attitude should not be pointing towards what your intentions are,Like when you want to burn down someone like 'ShahRug's House', you should be cool about it and be alert for any disturbances, but most importantly be quick and Creative. That way when the contrACTOR comes and sees what you've done to his Asylum, he shouldn't be shocked, but impressed as to how greatly you've rid him of his worldly pleasures and Wealth Tax. However, If he isn't satisfied, I suggest you rid him of his 'Health Tax' also!!

NOTE:  The best thing is that, in the end if "NOTHING works out", then turn EVERYTHING else into NOTHING!! In other words, 'If destruction doesn't help, add More and more destruction and finish any and every evidence of destruction', just like our favorite character, "Mason", of "Dry-day the 13th" fame.

In conclusion, all I have to say is, Ideas are found in every nook and cronie of the mind, but Destructive ones come only once in Two Blue moons, to normal HOMOs, but for those who practice the above (I have no idea what!!), they will be successful in all their endeavors, Provided, They're for the Greater Bad, and not unselfish, humanitarian, goody two smelly shoes reason. If that's the case, then All that you learnt will go against you. For only Dire, Daring and Deadly deeds are Welcome by D'N'A!!

If you're wondering,  If all that I've posted above didn't work out for me, why the heaven, am I sharing it in the first place, then I can tell you, "Those who can, Do. But those who can't, hide behind an underwater rock and disintegrate into oblivion". If you're still wondering why, Even After the above Distracting statement, then my answer would be ...sch..sch sch...schschsch.......{SIGNAL OUT}