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Friday, April 1, 2011

The Middle Wicket


Cricket is a game played by 11 fools and watched by 11000 fools
                                   G.B. Shaw

 

I never play cricket. It requires one to assume such indecent postures.
                                       -   Oscar Wilde


So what is it that brings together 11K (latest stats would knock your socks off) fools together to watch such a game? What is it that brings about patriotism in those who watch it? We have the answers to all those questions. Stay with me and you'll be enlightened!


THE BASIC IDEA : 


If you are as gullible as I think you are, then I'm sure you'll believe everything that goes on in this game. That it involves players scoring as many runs in a limited number of Overs, but that would be light-years away from the truth. But just for the newbies, here's the illusion:

If you're a first timer, what you would see is a man running 20 mts. from the three sticks, doing the Ballet and then hurling a 156gm rock hard ball onto the opponent's face, the opponent ie., The man with the "Longer and Wider" Stick in his hand whacks the balls...I mean ball into the air and the ball crosses the perimeter (Well, not always) for the times when it doesn't, It becomes a "Hit and Run" Situation. Oh yeah! and there's also the fact that three Bozos are paid to wreck the concentration of the players and bore the brains out of the audience under the pretext of Commentating.

Another form of Cricket is the T20 Format, In laid man's terms: All the above plus the "Micro- Mini" Timings and hot sizzling Cheerleaders to look at if you're tired of the sweaty Boooring Players. That's why I watch only this type of Cricket and that's precisely why I've installed a DTH TV service, which gives me the freedom of Multiple Camera Angles (Whistles); I'm sure you're jealous of me right now!



The Selection (Survival Of the Fattest) :


In some countries, the players are selected through high level, rigorous tests and top class observers, In some other countries the players are selected on the basis of techniques and specific skills, But in India, players are bought under the pretext of selections and by none other than rich corrupt politicos and that too, on the basis of who brings out the most Moolah and thereby making the public's MooKala (blacken the mouth) {Read: IPL}

"X beat 2 sixes, 3 fours and 20 singles in one match
 Y beat 0 sixes, a four and 5 singles in the same match"

The choice, for any person, would be simple, you'd think, but not in India. The Indian team selections require complex algorithms, High End String Theories and α and ζ-decay Reversal Processes: In short, It requires a phone call from the most Involved Politician for the selectors to wait for. This is difficult because 

1) The politician has no Idea of what he's to do and
2) The selectors have no idea of what the politician is doing!

Thus instead of X, The Skill-less Y is chosen and all the public keep shouting out Y! Y! WHY!!



"FAN"DEMONIUM :

America has Baseball
Sri Lanka has Volleyball
Sweden has Football
Bhutan has Archery
India has Cricket
Japan has......

Wait a second, INDIA HAS CRICKET?!! WTF happened to hockey? When did patriotism and cultural heritage die out? Is this how they show it?

Cricket has taken a whole nation out of it's historic legacy, making them feel patriotic by forgetting their own National Sport. This seriously pisses me off and yet it's encouraged to the core. International Matches, IP(IL)L, Local/ Corporate matches, Gully Cricket and what not. Boy! Cricket seems to be making a lot of (fast populating) fans. If Cricket had a twitter account, then by Golly, Obama and Gaga together wont have as many followers. If cricket was a Play-Mate, then by Holy Golly, Hugh Hefner would have RISEN to his heavenly('hell'ly) abode. That is cricket and that's what it does to people / nations. I don't know what happens between the middle wickets at the Playboy Mansion, but I do know that Money buys Cricket and Patriotism doesn't buy!!



NOTORIETY : 



 I know, the picture would have sufficed, but just in case you hadn't known, Cricket has caused man to become :

1) Primal - Sreesanth (The above picture)

2) Violent - Harbhajan Singh

3) Naked - Saurav Ganguly
 

4) Fat - Inzimam ul haq

5) Anthropoid - Andrew Symonds

6) Cry baby - Sreesanth 
 
         
7) MAD - You guys
 


FINAL WORDS :

Now you've heard all the crap that occurs in Cricket and that it's far from patriotism if you start worshiping the cricketers the way you already are (They're worse than idols). Now, I've seen idiots bunking their most essential exams to get a glimpse of the matches, when they can be watching them later on highlights, or better still, record the whole thing on DVR's. Don't risk your future for the future of this demonic game, it's not worth it! Nor will it give you what you require (very unpredictable). I've witnessed illiterates committing suicide watching their stars lose, when they should be wasting their lives on better things (to those who are ready to do some self immolation, all you'll be getting is immolation in hell because no-one's gonna remember you, even if they do, it's gonna be for mockery). Get out of your stupid dreams of Cricket, get a job, get a wife, get a life and start your strife (didn't intend to make it rhyme). Join the gang of "Crickeithists" and live the life you wanted to because, Cricket is neither everything, nor YOUR THING!!


PS: If you thought now is the part where I say April Fools and this was all a joke, then "April Fools", you've been fooled into thinking that!!