Thursday, January 27, 2011

Race-ism II

The last post contained something about me being humiliated, This one fortunately has nothing of that sort, atleast I hope I don't have to do that to Popularize my blog.

Oh!, Whats that 'D'...?!!? Yeah right, We already have the viewership of 5000+ people, all of whom are our age or atleast that's what I'm guessing, from all over the world thanks to the 20 Mins of lectures by Parents Prohibiting The D-Mail, That's the way we're promoted, If you know what I mean ;-) Come to think of it , 'D' just told me that this post too like the previous one on Racism has to contain some incident related to me : i.e, 'A'.

Now, Normally I'd stand up to him and say, "This is freaking my Blog too!!, not just yours. So, I make half the decisions and just like the Humans I don't advocate Self depreciating humor !" But then, Last week some security guy did something like this with 'D' and stood-up against his policies on securing the building's perimeter (WE GOT ENEMIES YOU KNOW). As usual our very beloved {I was forced to add that adjective} 'D' decided to take matters into his OWN hands whilst normally he contracts the killings to Osama or Dawood. Now, what happened afterwards is really painful so, I'm going to spare you the details, All I can reveal is that it contained something to do with Excruciating Pain in the Pleasurizing Part...In fact I'm not saying anything more about it. (Concerned for my safety,I hope you understand)

If I had only the courage of THINKING what to say to 'D' after what he did to that guy. After all, I got family. (It's not the 'family' you're thinking about) In this post I have decided that I will only discuss one thing that is racist instead of discussing two to ensure longevity of the Race-ism Posts on the D-mail.

As is, with all the "high" flying, they/we (cough...cough) like to enjoy our HARD earned money (What do you think the Swiss accounts are for..?) Any-way, I was vacationing with none other than "Brangelina" (More like hitting on Angelina..Oops...!).So here I am vacationing with "Brangelina" and out of no-where in an area where there is no coverage I get a call from none other than our very own Osama 'Mama'. Since 'Chicha' was already taken for Nehru, I figured why not 'Mama'. In-case all the people want to know what he's up to these days, here's an update..

Our 'Mama' has started his own and the world's very first University or more like a Mon'ass'tery For Assassins. You can find everything that's in a normal college except, instead of books they have guns (All types + the ones which kill people), instead of Libraries they have shooting ranges, Instead of laptops etc., they use Pocket Rocket Launchers, Granite Grenades etc. Also, the university is called IIT or, in an abbreviated form :- 'International Institute of T.N.T'. They are Internationally recognized as the World's best School for Arms and Ammunition training. And just to rub your nose in it's success they're now giving out scholarships to all those who have succeeded in assassinating some important public figures etc., But the Best thing about it, is that you get a free 'Educational' trip to the White House for the first 10 Successful Suicide bombers.

Well, there's also education business besides the usual Beheading, Butchering, Blasting, Brain-washing (dry cleaning costs extra) etc., Not to forget, the occasional Video-taping of warnings. BTW, Admissions are open to all those who have Time and those who don't, are given free Trendy Potassium Cyanide necklaces (a choice of 9 colors).

Coming to my story :- So, The reason my beloved 'Mama' had called me was because he had bought some Chinese gadget on Mamazon or D-bay (I don't remember) which was not working right. Being the Tech Geek (More like FREAK) myself, he called me for assistance. (This is the racist part, In case you're wondering) Well,Obviously once a guy like Osama calls you for assistance you have to be there, irrespective of whether he's your Uncle (Mama) or not. He's known to kill in ways that being born is too frightening (See I'm already saying the opposite of what's to be actually said...It's called FEAR ). Next Morning I was in the Banana Republic (Our Headquarters). Ass-soon-ass I got there I "Skype(e)d" (You read right, It's a new phrase like "goOGLED") my Mama. He was ready with all his gadgets etc.

What he bought was a 'Ni(ke)(Adi)das(Ree)bok' shoe fitted with a fan on it's front."The fan ain't doing what it's supposed to do" he said to me, continuing "I'll kill that Mother***************....." (He continued swearing for almost a half hour). Well I was the one who had to break this piece of racist news to him that, the sensor placed inside the shoe would only recognize Asian feet. He said to me that he was not Asian. (The C.I.A owes me a million bucks for that & also "Beat that WikiLeaks !!") Then he started swearing at those "Little"(By all means....) Asians for another half-an-hour. I know you guys are thinking what the heck..!?!!?!? Well, people, first of all if Osama can say that.... IT'S BIG NEWS..!! and If it's BIG NEWS, So will be the size of a Pocket (No more) Rocket Launcher then it's freaking RACIST..!

In this next Japa-graph we will discuss how Yappy(Crappy) Japs' inventions are encouraging Racism... (All is not what meets the eye...) The Land of the Rising sun (More like 'Land of rising (CO)POPULATION). Now these yanky-doodles are off dredging into the sea, building their mile long sky-scrapers to create some place to live (Not that they need SOOOO... much space, They'r small people). When I first googled this topic I found some crazy inventions but not all were racist....(Here, at the D-mail we specialize in making them Racist)
So here's LO-DOWN of the wackiest, craziest...Inventions (4) that defy the limits of stupidity and last but not the least are highly RACIST...

Before we begin, let me just relax so I can deliver the BEST.{Lighting a smoke.....} (Ahh...the first puff... ....heaven.....) [Been a while since I smoked these little Cuban Bastards] ... SORRY ABOUT THAT, Just WANTED TO GIVE YOU A 'BEHIND THE SCENES EXPERIENCE' (Just incase you're not offended I recommend the Cubans...)

4 : The Shoe Cum Nintendo - 
I still can't figure out which brand or manufacturer that these shoes belong to...but let me tell you this, this invention or innovation if you will, has left Steve Jobs applying for a leave .... AGAIN.!
I still think of it's impracticality.... after all who would want to play on their Nintendo bending forwards reaching for their foot. Only those Gymnasts (Who're really hard to hit on!) and maybe the Japanese ladies ( I somehow don't feel like trusting men bending over in
public..). What's it's use to the rest of the world..? Absolute Crap. Can't do anything with it unless you want to potty train your dog...(I have a read right..NO RACISM IN MY HOME) Another issue with that thing is that the max size of shoe in Japan is limited to "7". Come to think of it even my soft (Dry currently due to the winter) feet fail to fit in them...BTW, what can these guys/gals achieve with small legs..essentially "everything small". Surely they can't win an Olympic gold in athletics.They haven't won a single medal in the Olympics FYI according to the website..."www.everything's"

3 : (I Don't Know What To Call It) Maybe..."Wonder Arm" Or Something For The Time Being -
Well what this does is simply give the feeling of a companion to the person who sleeps besides it. You can see it has AN arm and HALF a body to give the COMPLETE 'Human-beside-you feeling'. The way I see it this is one of those few Japanese inventions which Ladies from other Continents can use too...after-all WOMEN, especially American are known to "FAKE A LOT OF THINGS." Men can't use it, can they...? For all I know they do have "OTHER" methods of gaining companionship. This thing FYI is also known to cause a lot of confusion in partners..(Not life|Partners|.... the "ONES THAT SLEEP WITH EACH OTHER ON THE "SAME BED")
It's been known to cause break-ups,has been known to wake and walk around...(I'm kidding) etc.. Some gal, again in Japan, mistook it for her real husband. She did something with it that she never did with her husband which he saw BTW. The next thing you know, he filed for a divorce on account of "Her cheating with the doll.." yeah that's what he called it..'DOLL'.. Be careful girls..

2 : The Butter Stick -

First and foremost, this thing is really controversial. To me it-seems like a spoof on
our very own FeviStick, although you should take into account that I know not of any other country that uses something like it. Also Mind you, this "Butter Stick" should not be placed in the Work desk nor the Fevistick be placed in the Kitchen. It can result in a pretty 'STICKY' mess,Literally. Now I ask the Question of which I myself will give the answer:

How many of you knuckle-heads would use this..?
Very few.

Our Indian 'Aunties' have the Mother Dairies and the Amuls to feed the fat to the world. That aside, how many of the 'Chicks' would use it?
We all know the obsession with Size Zero or as I like to call it, 'Pint Sized Human (Being Prone to being Blown away by the Wind) or the PSH's. They all want to remain zero or less, if possible. Only the fat guys working for the Governments around the World can afford to use this. But they should be careful not to exceed a certain circumference after which "Filling Their Pockets" will be a problem.

And the Number one in this Racist list...And the Race-a-(Os)car this year goes to...

1 : Grass Toilet Seat- 
This thing is outright racist. As an Citizen (Of the Banana Republic) I condemn the innovator of this creation. It is insulting to each and every Indian, especially. Remember the (Very) old days when your forefathers use to defile Mother Earth in Public...? Well not necessarily public, but 'Out in the Open' which obviously has GR-ASS. What started with our forefathers "Paying their dues" in the open, the next generation in their Clothes and us in our Diaper's has been exploited.But,still if your Grandfather would have seen this, well he would have brought out his gun and shot at the Screen from which your reading this. Coming to the mannerisms followed by our western 'brotha's.. Well recently some guy in the Govt. of India said that "The West has different standards of hygiene when compared to the east." Well, he's right, Our western brothers and sisters Won't Shit on that Piece of Earth (Grass). Well for obvious reasons that they are "MORE ENVIRONMENTAL CONCIOUS THAN ANY OTHER CITIZENS OF THE WORLD." Well obviously, there must be SOME EXPLANATION for them CONSUMING ABOUT 80% of all NATURAL RESOURCES. [Please note the sarcasm, bastards. Thank you].
Been A While since I got laid.

Looking forward to more Racist tomorrow.

Crap-e-Diem ("Cease the Day"- in geLatin) !