Naughtyfications

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Friday, February 25, 2011

Disadvantage


Thursday, February 24, 2011

Leap Years are Crap if you sleep like em'


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Shitty-Shitty, BANG-BANG.


Let me start off by saying, "He's Back!!,AGAIN." People I'm talking about our 'NOW' World famous Philosophical guru and The author of the book, "The F(ART) of Life". Ladies and Gentlewoman I present to you Baba Randi. You've all read his quotes and followed his guidelines while sleeping (cough-cough) IN
emember.BED. I'm writing to you from the (UN)Holy land, his ASH-RAM. In this post we Interview Baba Randi about many things including Wife..err..I mean Life, Current Affairs (Not the Usual, the 'Other' Affairs) and his plan to educate the world about AIDS or was it eradicate..... Screw it I don't remember.


Here's the Ground Report:

As you all know,The D-mail is based in the Banana Republic where it has it's Hindquarters....Whoopsie...(Damn these Wireless Keyboards), I meant HEADQUARTERS. I spoke to the Baba about dates for the interview only in this case he gave me phone numbers of about 20 lady's with whom I shall deal later (No Thoughts please). Anyway the date (numerical) he gave me was 29th of February.
I made all my plans (Including buying some Condiments for myself, Just in-case..). I booked my chartered flight (These are ways of legitimizing Black money, some ways) etc.....etc.

Let's Fast Forward to the ASH-RAM.

While I waited at the airport (Location Classified) which was pretty long, I was passing time registering our presence on Shitter...I meant.. Twitter. Anyhow I waited for about an hour or so..
then about a convoy of 20 cars rolled up in front of me, All black except one. First stepped out about 30 commandos in full combat gear, then another 10 around the white car and then A 'Dark Saffron' (His dressing cries out his personality too, DARK) clad Baba. Well this was not my first meeting so I knew what the protocol was when I meet him. FYI, When he meets women he kisses (More like Smooch, that too a pretty intense one) and when he meets Men he Makes them Bow, Presumably to feel he's taller or maybe to Check em' out, That's the only thing I can think off..! After I was led into the car, I was blindfolded, Like I said the Location is Classified.

Location: At the ASH-RAM : (Details follow)


The ASH-RAM is called the, "Rising Loafers Paradise cum Academy" pretty intimidating I must say.The ASH-RAM is spread over 200 hectares, half of it being Dense Jungles, a forth some Opium, Coke and Poppy plantations and the remainder of Bars, Pubs, and eateries. Not to forget an underground Bunker with all the facilities of a 4BHK apartment, only about 20 such apartments.I went around the ashram in a Harley Davidson (Yay!!.. me). Explored about half of it, the other half being out of reach to the "Normal" public separated by huge electric fences and armed commandos. Let's skip to the Interview with the XXth century Icon.

The man needs no introduction, he's the winner of the prestigious 'Hooker' prize given to an author who's literature changes the world and a civilization's outlook of life and points it in a downward direction, and this man's book did just that...I walk up into his room (Read : Fort).
There he sits in his Chair (More like a throne), sipping somerare Venetian Wine
(I didn't know it existed). He offered it to me too..I replied asking for a bottle of Scotch, "On the rocks please" (Meaning with Ice cubes) then I said "..."  but Before I could begin, the whole freaking room erupted into a chanting of "Baba Randi ki Jai, Long Live Baba Randi,....etc.."
I started off, now here's a question-wise account...

1."How have you been Baba..? Health Wise.." {Baba Randi ki jai..(In the background)}

With a whiff of his hand he silenced the mad crowd, replying he said to me...'What is age...?' countering my argument in rather philosophical way. "It's the way you live your life...." confused, I asked him to clarify or elaborate.He replied.."Your only the age of the woman or man in some cases,you
have physical relations with.." Flabbergasted I asked what he meant. Replying he says.."If you are able to satisfy a woman/man aren't you doing what people her age are doing.." rather logically he said to me. By this time I understood what kind of answers (Even Plato would be intrigued) I should expect...




2."Moving on" I said...I asked him what he thought the 'Tiger-Gate' as it is referred to nowadays. 

Answering the question in a rather poignant way,which it wasn't, he said..."Tiger, he was and is still the weakest disciple of mine..I taught him all that he knows, now and even tried improving his skills by organising special classes, about cheating and of course he was only in the learning stages when he started putting knowledge into action, which is the principle reason for him getting caught.." already amazed at the potential this revelation could have in the
International media, I rebutted asking him.."Are you saying that even you are involved in such business..?" He said to me, "My Child (Really..? With the kind life he lived I didn't think this was a remote possibility and for a moment thought of filing a paternity suit) the women you are seeing here are just a drop in the ocean considering my world"...clarifying he says.."Meaning, I have needs too... and these women have those too and hence this kind of life is counter-productive, for both the women and me."



3."Sir (There were people ogling me to say that),with the kind of following you have all around the world (Has Branch offices in all 196 U.N affiliated countries)..Don't you think you can use that to spread goodwill etc around the world..?"
 

Replying in a short burst of words he said.."Goodwill
huh..? What do you think I'm doing right now..? Isn't spreading drug-abuse and other ills of society not social work..? Isn't 'lifting' Civilisation to the heights (He means,through the use of high grade drugs) of intellectual dominance social work..?" I'd rather not counter that I thought to myself...






4."If at all you have heard about Lady Gaga, a huge (where it matters) Pop sensation in North America and Europe, what would you have to say to her..?"  

To my surprise he ripped out his notepad in which about 3 or 4 points were written, reading them out he said..."Firstly, I would like to congratulate her on her Grammy nominations and of-course undeserved Winnings. Secondly,.." he continued..."If at all you planned on wearing a dress made of meat,why not try something made of milk products.." Dazed I said to him.."Sir, but wouldn't they melt or infact not hold at all.." he looked at me as if I was a fool and winked at me..meaning that was precisely
what he wanted. "Thirdly, if you come out with another one of those shitty albums,which I don't quite know in what measure is called MUZIK, I will personally see to it that you are 'Poker-faced' and with 'Paparazzi' making 'Bad Romance' with you", In an indirect reference to her supposedly hit songs. He was burning with rage by the time he finished this 'Passionate' hatred speech."Why so much hatred towards her?", I asked. "I downloaded one of her songs and guess what it had a virus in it... All the data, including the "Good"(double quote) films got deleted.. " he replied. For my next question I stuck to current affairs, this time the real kind..about the Oscars..

5."Have you seen the nominations for the Oscars this year and also have you watched all the films that have been nominated..?"

"I have seen all those films. I utilised my new super fast broadband connection to it's fullest,downloading each and every one of them. Although after sometime the service provider paid with his life for failure to 'Repair' my 'Connection' with his wife..."(WTF..!?!?). Anyways, he said to me.."It's sad that Natalie Portman got knocked up (He means, pregnant) just before the Red-Carpet he asked me how it happened??" Not how 'it'
happened but how it happened in the normal sense...
{Refrain from exercising your brain too much,You Idiots}.
I replied to him, "Sir, I do know that all of you have knowledge of me being her Boy-Friend, but the thing is; I didn't get her pregnant. We broke up after I got to know about it."He was as shocked as I was when I got to know that I was hallucinating about Natalie being my Girlfriend. (See,even the 'quality' of my hallucinations are better than yours...) The Baba continued "The Kings Speech was pretty good although I thought his character was a bit Gay, meaning Happy...(Refer to your crochet dick-tionary). I don't have anything else to add, I didn't like the rest so I'm looking forward to the Razzies (Google It if you don't know what it means, I don't have the time or Patience) this year than the Oscars".

6."How would you want people to remember you...?" 

In a short reply he says.."He came, He saw, He F***ed" referring to his already internationally famous womanizing ways."  
Also, do you have any thoughts about life which you would want to share with us as your final words.?" 

he replies, "It is in human nature to aspire for more, have desires etc." In reality he says.."The lesser we expect from ourselves and others, the happier we will be." Just when I thought he got serious, he shoots back saying.."Dude, that's a load of crap. Live life to the fullest, be prepared to lose everything if you don't pay your bills on time and face the realities of life like HIV-AIDS etc."

"I end by saying what I have been saying all around the world at various meetings, Please buy my Best-seller "The F(ART) Of Life", In a store near you. NOW!"


He is a busy man, So I asked him where he was off to in such a hurry after the Inter(nal)-view, Literally. He said he was off to Columbia."Some small town Drug Cartel needs to be given a 'Sermon' about managing their own business and not mingling it with others." He said and I place it on record that, He was to do the interview later but since this issue had come up he had to come home and collect Guns and Other stuff so he decided to take the interview while he was preparing for his 'Sermon'.


I end by saying, "Known all around the world, The Embodiment of Pervocity who uses Holey forces of B.A.D to 'Kick-Ass' all around the globe."


Sunday, February 13, 2011

1.27 Hours: The Remaining 0.27 Hours


If you have no idea what this story's about, then I suggest you read the first part. If you have, and still got no idea then I suggest you get out of your diapers first. Click here to get to know the first part of this twisted tale. We stopped at a point where our protagonist has just arrived at Unfoundland and is all ready to have a blast, Literally or Illiterally, You'll know as you read!! 





(Yesterday) DAY 3 :-




I'm at the Unfoundland Campsite. Here we don't find much of a landscape nor any view I'm proud of. All I could glance at are the marshes, swamps and high hills. There were Mosquitoes, Tse-Tse flies, Tarantulas, lady bugs(in no way were they ladies) and I have no idea whether it was the sects or insects that sucked my blood! I think, out of the 19 campers excluding the Warden(that's what we called the man-in-charge), not even 9 would survive the day. So that's the reason I thought of going on an excursion to the only place presumably Safe, the hills. "Good thing I brought my Do-It-Yourself-Pocket-Bike" I told my friend Benjamin Zipper, who wasn't quite keen on looking at it. From his outward appearance he looked like a 20-Something, but according to him he was way past his retirement(Well, According to me, he's lost it!). So I fixed up my bike and together Ben and I set out for Mt.NeverRest, that's what it was called, I'm yet to know why.

At the foot of the mountain, I set my bike and we geared up for some serious mountain climbing. While we did so, I noticed Ben's gear didn't quite fit him, they seemed to be the wrong size (ie., larger than required). I didn't know why, We ignored that and got climbing. We found a trench halfway and rested there for a while. Five minutes! just 5 minutes of resting and there was unrest everywhere, five bluish-green giants with long hair and gliding squirrels for vehicles came straight towards us, shouting like the cow-asses(cowboys) you see on TV. I took out my camera and purely due to impulse, just clicked a pic of those marvelous Monstrosities. Don't know what happened next, but As soon as I put the camera back into my pocket, those Green-men disappeared. A few munching sounds below us, a few shrieks here and there and then Magnificence! There was an even more humongous Bat-horse-like-flying-reptile getting away with it's mouth full and blue fluids oozing out. Benjamin Zipper, with a cracking voice, told me later that it was the TUROK, or the King of the Flying Asses.

We continued with our climbing, even after the weird incident. I was almost at the summit, a few more feet, but suddenly a little tremor was heard, followed by a larger one and soon everything began to shake. I felt dizzy and for the 4th time blacked out, but just before my eyes closed, I could hear a Baby cry and......

About 20 minutes passed and I opened my eyes, I then realized that, during the commotion I had fallen 13 feet below, into a deep pit. Somehow, I couldn't feel my right arm and to my horror, found out that it was driven deep into the stony walls of the pit and there was nothing to do, absolutely No way I could get my hand out. I shouted out loud "Ben, I'm a little stuck, Save me man, get me out !! " and there was no response, except for a feeble distorted echo which went this way "Ben, I wanna little F***, Shave me, man, Wet me out !! ". After this there was silence except for the ticking of my watch, You can imagine how quiet it was. I threw out my back pack and emptied it, there was nothing I could use, All it contained were two cup-cakes, a long Sub-Sandwich, some chocolate syrup, mayonaise, A dozen sachets of tomato ketchup, candy bars, Chicken Tikka, some lemon chewies and a pack of Potato chips (Hey! I couldn't possibly have expected falling inside a pit like this, could I ?!). I hit the place where my hand was stuck, first with my watch, then with a stone I found lying around, then with my hand and then with the baloney sandwich(desperate measures) but all this was in vain. In anger I finally started kicking the walls. After about ten of these kicks, I felt something move.


This gave me enough encouragement to continue. One hundred and twenty-five powerful-Rockhard-karate-Soccer-Karoccer-kicks and I was SUCCESSFUL, only at breaking my leg. It was atleast an hour and sixteen minutes when a sudden thought occured inside my corroding brain. I just realized that, just that morning I had placed my E-Phone in the back pocket of the jeans I was wearing. I immediately felt for the little gadget, Never was I so happy touching that part of my body, as much as I was at that very instance. three digits and I had the Police headquarters connected. Told them about my little incident and then passed out, possibly because of the Barclay's Tournament I had down there.

Comfort at last! I could feel myself in the luxuries of a bed at a local hospital and thought to myself "Saved from hell for atleast a little more time, Thank God!!". One of the doctors entered the ward and asked me how I felt. "Damn never felt better, Doc" I said. "Sir" he said, "I've got to tell you something Serious". "What is it?" I replied "Did I lose something?" Alas, I realized the very reason I was in the hospital. I apprehensively pulled out the front part of the bed sheet covering me but my hand was still there "Whoo!" I gave a sigh of relief, the Doc interrupted my victory sighs, "During your fall and transport here, our staff had noticed gangrene around your plantaris muscle". "where?" I exclaimed. he calmly stated "Sir, there was an infection in your leg". "AND? AND?" I couldn't bear the suspense, so he continued "And so, We decided to bite it off..I mean..err..Amputate it". Faster than sound I threw away the bed-sheet and found his statement to be 95% true(because, There were no knife marks) and blacked out for the fifth time.....

 
 







Of All The Places, In An F***ing Rock !! 


"It's been a day now, without my precious 'one of the, two of a kind' limb. A whole darned day and I'm here stuck in this God damned wheeled-cot. If at all you were wondering...." Oh wait! I already covered that part. So now you know why I, Baron Ballston, am lame(in both meanings). I can't even commit suicide, because firstly there's no possible way I could JUMP, I can't HANG myself because the Ceiling's too far up, and the worst thing is that, I'm Allergic to Cyanide. Damn this cursed life. What tragedy, Oh! the trauma, Oh! the pain......And you're sitting there in front of the screen laughing your ass out when I'm in such a state. One day, It will be my turn. I can see that day, when regeneration will be possible and legal, I'll get hold of your addresses and bite off YOUR legs, then I'LL laugh at you  Hahaha...see you then..Hahahaha...Awwwwwwww Man {Collapse}!!



*THE END*

Written By : Annie Boils
In Memory Of : Benjamin Zipper, who was never found.


For the Record : WE DON'T MEAN ANY DISRESPECT TO THE GUY WHO GOT STUCK IN SOME CANYON AND CUT SOME PART OF HIS ARM. THIS IS A TRUE STORY, IT JUST DIDN'T HAPPEN YET :P !!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

1.27 Hours


"It's been a day now, without my precious 'one of the, two of a kind' limb. A whole darned day and I'm here stuck in this God-damned wheeled-cot. If at all you were wondering, I wasn't always this way - handicapped, crippled (atleast not while I was sober). The name's Ballston, Baron Ballston. Like any other teen, I too was spirited, adventerous and gifted. I was a charmer, both of chicks and snake, if you know what I mean. Up until that day, that Cursed day which changed my wife, but it could have almost succeeded in changing my life too, if it weren't for my will-power. If you're expecting flash-backs now, all I've got are dim-L.E.D ones. I can remember the incident like it was yesterday (maybe because it was)...."

Jan 9th 2009 (DAY 1) :-

I was at home, after a hot bath doing nothing but playing the game, Counter Stike on my YBox, then out of nowhere, right through the mail-hole on my door, I could see a pamphlet or rather a thin 3 page booklet made of the finest paper recycled garbage can provide. Bending down, I took the thing into my left hand (The right one was paralyzed by the 'Special' joysticks). It was about a certain desolate island at a place called Unfoundland, which was a hotspot for Adventure, hiking, chicks and injuries. That's what was written but all I could make out during that High-time was "Desolate-Chicks-Adventures and - Pain". An instant approval. It was only after I had read the whole booklet twice, that I realised that I was half naked (bottom half) and bending in a manner, professional ballet dancers do (made me look like the Experimental kind :S). Now that picture might intrigue you or even, amuse , but I couldn't say the same about the land-lady on the other side...

DAY 2 :-

Tickets were bought, Plane was fuelled, pilot was emptied (too much lunch) and I was friggin ready. It was me sitting in the largest Airbus and that too which could never possibly crash. It was called 'The Titandick'. Everything was going smooth and it was halfway through the journey when two men and a hot chick, all in black suits and Dark shades (one was camouflaged) approached me. The men pulled me off the seat and the woman banged me (*ahem* with a heavy leather bag).


I awoke in a dark room with light from only a single LED torch. A voice I couldn't find the source of spoke, "We've been expecting you, Neon. I know what you're thinking". at that moment, I was thinking 'Who The F*** are you and which A**-H*** permitted you inside this flight and W(ho)TF is Neon?', but he went on "You must be thinking how I got to you so early?! Yes?! I've been pursuing you since the day I was programmed" then I interrupted "Hey man, I appreciate the ceremonious greetings and all but, I think you got it all wrong " but then he interrupted me "Negative, We are never wrong, you must be bugged, staying in the Mate-Trix for too long" then, pointing to the chick he spoke "We must debug him and then de-fragment his brain". WTF! I thought, but before the impulse could change into a reaction, *ZAP!* and the next thing you know I could feel 70 K.Volts through my nerves instead of the usual 70 m.Volts. "Ok Ok I get it, I'll play along (A**h***)", I said, unable to bear anymore, to which he replied "This is Serious". Frightened, I clarified "No no, When I said play, I meant.." but before I could clarify, he clarified "I understand but I was just introducing my friend here" he pointed his torch at the non-Chick "This is Serious Brown aka Looney and SHE is Vanity and I AM Morphinus". I raised my arm gesturing, a welcome only because I was High from the current.

Then this invisible guy(dark night) began "I have with me two I-Pills - A blue and a Red one. If you choose the red one, It will take you to the Truth, the place where We actually are. As you know right now, we are in a computer programme. But if you choose the blue pill, everything will be the same, nothing will change, you will wake up in your seat. But remember - Choose Wisely!" I could've pissed in my pants due to all that sudden stress, "Damn!" I chose the Red one, expecting the truth but, everything blacked out instead.

I woke up in my new hotel room at Unfoundland and a note was lying in my hand. It read this way :-

" Dear Neon,

              We regret the terrible mistake we've committed. LOONEY aka A**H*** apparently forgot to mention that there was a change in the script. It was the blue pill and not the red one which would get you out of the illusion of Mate-Trix. There is nothing we can do now. Humanity is Doomed...

PS: The pill you swallowed was a real I-Pill. And so we recommend you NOT eat heavy foods for the day.

PPS: 'The Titandick' has crashed, allegedly due to a piece of Iceberg (alleged cousin of the one, that had a huge ship destroyed decades ago) a douchebag passenger took with him, that decided to melt, jeopardizing the balance of the Airbus and also the lives of 1523 people. "

After the read, I ran towards the bathroom, so very fast that, Usain Blot looked like a pregnant snail, hibernating. And the rest of the night was spent there, knowingly or unknowingly I didn't know!


I gotta stop here to keep up the suspense, And to reduce the size of this post (I know you people have got the attention span of  an aye-aye's eye). So That's it for this post, The next part of this story will continue with the third and FINAL day, or is it??! You can catch the next part to this story HERE.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Disadvantage

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Ouch

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Meteo-Rat

Friday, February 4, 2011

Disadvantage

t

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Flatypus

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Blame Game