Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Shitty-Shitty, BANG-BANG.

Let me start off by saying, "He's Back!!,AGAIN." People I'm talking about our 'NOW' World famous Philosophical guru and The author of the book, "The F(ART) of Life". Ladies and Gentlewoman I present to you Baba Randi. You've all read his quotes and followed his guidelines while sleeping (cough-cough) IN
emember.BED. I'm writing to you from the (UN)Holy land, his ASH-RAM. In this post we Interview Baba Randi about many things including Wife..err..I mean Life, Current Affairs (Not the Usual, the 'Other' Affairs) and his plan to educate the world about AIDS or was it eradicate..... Screw it I don't remember.

Here's the Ground Report:

As you all know,The D-mail is based in the Banana Republic where it has it's Hindquarters....Whoopsie...(Damn these Wireless Keyboards), I meant HEADQUARTERS. I spoke to the Baba about dates for the interview only in this case he gave me phone numbers of about 20 lady's with whom I shall deal later (No Thoughts please). Anyway the date (numerical) he gave me was 29th of February.
I made all my plans (Including buying some Condiments for myself, Just in-case..). I booked my chartered flight (These are ways of legitimizing Black money, some ways) etc.....etc.

Let's Fast Forward to the ASH-RAM.

While I waited at the airport (Location Classified) which was pretty long, I was passing time registering our presence on Shitter...I meant.. Twitter. Anyhow I waited for about an hour or so..
then about a convoy of 20 cars rolled up in front of me, All black except one. First stepped out about 30 commandos in full combat gear, then another 10 around the white car and then A 'Dark Saffron' (His dressing cries out his personality too, DARK) clad Baba. Well this was not my first meeting so I knew what the protocol was when I meet him. FYI, When he meets women he kisses (More like Smooch, that too a pretty intense one) and when he meets Men he Makes them Bow, Presumably to feel he's taller or maybe to Check em' out, That's the only thing I can think off..! After I was led into the car, I was blindfolded, Like I said the Location is Classified.

Location: At the ASH-RAM : (Details follow)

The ASH-RAM is called the, "Rising Loafers Paradise cum Academy" pretty intimidating I must say.The ASH-RAM is spread over 200 hectares, half of it being Dense Jungles, a forth some Opium, Coke and Poppy plantations and the remainder of Bars, Pubs, and eateries. Not to forget an underground Bunker with all the facilities of a 4BHK apartment, only about 20 such apartments.I went around the ashram in a Harley Davidson (Yay!!.. me). Explored about half of it, the other half being out of reach to the "Normal" public separated by huge electric fences and armed commandos. Let's skip to the Interview with the XXth century Icon.

The man needs no introduction, he's the winner of the prestigious 'Hooker' prize given to an author who's literature changes the world and a civilization's outlook of life and points it in a downward direction, and this man's book did just that...I walk up into his room (Read : Fort).
There he sits in his Chair (More like a throne), sipping somerare Venetian Wine
(I didn't know it existed). He offered it to me too..I replied asking for a bottle of Scotch, "On the rocks please" (Meaning with Ice cubes) then I said "..."  but Before I could begin, the whole freaking room erupted into a chanting of "Baba Randi ki Jai, Long Live Baba Randi,....etc.."
I started off, now here's a question-wise account...

1."How have you been Baba..? Health Wise.." {Baba Randi ki jai..(In the background)}

With a whiff of his hand he silenced the mad crowd, replying he said to me...'What is age...?' countering my argument in rather philosophical way. "It's the way you live your life...." confused, I asked him to clarify or elaborate.He replied.."Your only the age of the woman or man in some cases,you
have physical relations with.." Flabbergasted I asked what he meant. Replying he says.."If you are able to satisfy a woman/man aren't you doing what people her age are doing.." rather logically he said to me. By this time I understood what kind of answers (Even Plato would be intrigued) I should expect...

2."Moving on" I said...I asked him what he thought the 'Tiger-Gate' as it is referred to nowadays. 

Answering the question in a rather poignant way,which it wasn't, he said..."Tiger, he was and is still the weakest disciple of mine..I taught him all that he knows, now and even tried improving his skills by organising special classes, about cheating and of course he was only in the learning stages when he started putting knowledge into action, which is the principle reason for him getting caught.." already amazed at the potential this revelation could have in the
International media, I rebutted asking him.."Are you saying that even you are involved in such business..?" He said to me, "My Child (Really..? With the kind life he lived I didn't think this was a remote possibility and for a moment thought of filing a paternity suit) the women you are seeing here are just a drop in the ocean considering my world"...clarifying he says.."Meaning, I have needs too... and these women have those too and hence this kind of life is counter-productive, for both the women and me."

3."Sir (There were people ogling me to say that),with the kind of following you have all around the world (Has Branch offices in all 196 U.N affiliated countries)..Don't you think you can use that to spread goodwill etc around the world..?"

Replying in a short burst of words he said.."Goodwill
huh..? What do you think I'm doing right now..? Isn't spreading drug-abuse and other ills of society not social work..? Isn't 'lifting' Civilisation to the heights (He means,through the use of high grade drugs) of intellectual dominance social work..?" I'd rather not counter that I thought to myself...

4."If at all you have heard about Lady Gaga, a huge (where it matters) Pop sensation in North America and Europe, what would you have to say to her..?"  

To my surprise he ripped out his notepad in which about 3 or 4 points were written, reading them out he said..."Firstly, I would like to congratulate her on her Grammy nominations and of-course undeserved Winnings. Secondly,.." he continued..."If at all you planned on wearing a dress made of meat,why not try something made of milk products.." Dazed I said to him.."Sir, but wouldn't they melt or infact not hold at all.." he looked at me as if I was a fool and winked at me..meaning that was precisely
what he wanted. "Thirdly, if you come out with another one of those shitty albums,which I don't quite know in what measure is called MUZIK, I will personally see to it that you are 'Poker-faced' and with 'Paparazzi' making 'Bad Romance' with you", In an indirect reference to her supposedly hit songs. He was burning with rage by the time he finished this 'Passionate' hatred speech."Why so much hatred towards her?", I asked. "I downloaded one of her songs and guess what it had a virus in it... All the data, including the "Good"(double quote) films got deleted.. " he replied. For my next question I stuck to current affairs, this time the real kind..about the Oscars..

5."Have you seen the nominations for the Oscars this year and also have you watched all the films that have been nominated..?"

"I have seen all those films. I utilised my new super fast broadband connection to it's fullest,downloading each and every one of them. Although after sometime the service provider paid with his life for failure to 'Repair' my 'Connection' with his wife..."(WTF..!?!?). Anyways, he said to me.."It's sad that Natalie Portman got knocked up (He means, pregnant) just before the Red-Carpet he asked me how it happened??" Not how 'it'
happened but how it happened in the normal sense...
{Refrain from exercising your brain too much,You Idiots}.
I replied to him, "Sir, I do know that all of you have knowledge of me being her Boy-Friend, but the thing is; I didn't get her pregnant. We broke up after I got to know about it."He was as shocked as I was when I got to know that I was hallucinating about Natalie being my Girlfriend. (See,even the 'quality' of my hallucinations are better than yours...) The Baba continued "The Kings Speech was pretty good although I thought his character was a bit Gay, meaning Happy...(Refer to your crochet dick-tionary). I don't have anything else to add, I didn't like the rest so I'm looking forward to the Razzies (Google It if you don't know what it means, I don't have the time or Patience) this year than the Oscars".

6."How would you want people to remember you...?" 

In a short reply he says.."He came, He saw, He F***ed" referring to his already internationally famous womanizing ways."  
Also, do you have any thoughts about life which you would want to share with us as your final words.?" 

he replies, "It is in human nature to aspire for more, have desires etc." In reality he says.."The lesser we expect from ourselves and others, the happier we will be." Just when I thought he got serious, he shoots back saying.."Dude, that's a load of crap. Live life to the fullest, be prepared to lose everything if you don't pay your bills on time and face the realities of life like HIV-AIDS etc."

"I end by saying what I have been saying all around the world at various meetings, Please buy my Best-seller "The F(ART) Of Life", In a store near you. NOW!"

He is a busy man, So I asked him where he was off to in such a hurry after the Inter(nal)-view, Literally. He said he was off to Columbia."Some small town Drug Cartel needs to be given a 'Sermon' about managing their own business and not mingling it with others." He said and I place it on record that, He was to do the interview later but since this issue had come up he had to come home and collect Guns and Other stuff so he decided to take the interview while he was preparing for his 'Sermon'.

I end by saying, "Known all around the world, The Embodiment of Pervocity who uses Holey forces of B.A.D to 'Kick-Ass' all around the globe."