Sunday, April 3, 2011

Lie On Me

For Centuries people have been trying to stretch, twist, bend, transform, crop and sometimes even eat the truth. Unfortunately no matter what they tried, it comes under the category of Lies...

LIE  (lai) n.:

1. A false statement deliberately presented as being true; a falsehood.
2. Something meant to deceive or give a wrong impression.
2. Something the D'N'A are really good at, infact may well be the best.

According to the new definition and all that precedes, a lie is deception, anything that's not true, and a falsifying statement. But at The D-Mail we believe that a lie is as good as it's used. It's like a whole new language that requires command and mastery over. Without which you are most likely to die a Gandhi, bald, without true relationships and having your memory only on paper, That too on paper as cheap as ¢2.04. But, with the skill, It can make you a Hitler, a trendy wild haircut, a committed wife (ready to die +/- kill her husband) and a face remembered long after his heavenly Underwater abode (Davy Jone's Locker). He may not be living in German Euros, but he definitely is and shall always remain in our hearts (Heil F├╝hrer). The power of lies have been underestimated by humans the world over and so, let the experts teach you a thing or two about them.

Before I do, Just to illustrate to you how important what we're going to tell you is, or how Un-important YOU would be if you didn't heed to our suggestions here is a (UN)True Story...
Dickey Nutt enjoyed his role as a reporter, even during its darker moments. He once succumbed to a curious case of “corpsing” (a form of hysteria in which an actor or broadcaster breaks into fits of uncontrollable laughter at inappropriate, often serious moments). One day in the early 1960s, Regis found himself reporting a train wreck in the Alps. “I went on,” he later recalled, “and said, ‘Well, there was a train wreck – ha!haha!hahaha...!” and "there I was", he said, "laughing my ass off looking at a 24 million dollars worth of wreck and 45 people dead."

Now these are situations when you need to make up something to avoid the wrath of god. These are situations when what I am going to teach you will work and help. Now if you go and Google, "How to tell if your lying" there are hundreds of links which come up. They all talk about some characteristics of a guy (Gals don't need to, they are genetically superior in this domain). His body language etc when he is lying. Well from here on after reading these posts you can and will claim that none of those help, cause you'll have beat all the tricks of lie detection.

Green underlines the Characteristic we're blabbering about. Purple is what the geniuses think happens when a person lies. Orange is what your supposed to do in order to become the perfect liar.

Body Language :

Usually when a person lies, their physical expressions are limited and stiff, with very few hand, arm and other movements. Now to beat this is very simple. Think of the music you dance to. Buy a wireless headset, switch on your I-pod and play the music all the while you're lying. Now the trick is that you should communicate in a normal tone while you listen. Also, When the person you're lying to, is speaking to you, then the volume should be just enough for you to be able to ignore that bullshit. To sum it up, Set the volume in a such a way that you can hear yourself while you speak forth and not be able to hear when the other person goes all Bruce Lee on you, shouting as if there were no tomorrow. Good luck.

                                                     Check this one out, ignore the product focus on the method!

Eye Contact:

According to the rocket scientists, one doesn't make eye contact when you speaketh thy lie. Now the solution to all the problems are kind of home-made, so you shouldn't expect anything different here too. Whip out ye Sunglasses plebeians. All these years you've ignored this accessory. We have all seen celebrities wearing these thingies all over town. Now why do they wear it..? For the simple reason, You can't see shit through sunglasses from the outside so, therefore there is no question of mean, eye-contact. Now go on mayte, whip out ye sunglasses and wear them all over town. But if at all, you're in an interrogation room (Police or Mafia), and they seize control of all your belonging (yeah! all of them) then the only way to prevent a person from detecting your lies is by telling him you're a squint. Don't look at the person's eye but instead look at his assistant / secretary (any hottie) beside him. The technical term would be 'Ogle' but, no one will know, I repeat, NO ONE WILL KNOW!!

Facial Expression :

You maybe complementing the girl you've taken out on a date and of course, we never like the ones WE take out on dates, we always fancy the ones with the OTHER guys. So, now you're complementing the girl and she notices your facial expression and that's the give-away. You don't mean, what you are uttering, you're only 'uttering it' for the sake of 'uttering it'. The Solution to the facial expression problem is not easy. One that is not a home remedy of sorts. Certainly you cannot go around covering your face with a mask. The solution to this problem is look towards your woman/man, stare deep into their eyes (right into their Optical Nerve), make them feel your love (Not Physically), maintain strong eye-contact and when you feel the moment is right, ask them for their dermatologist's number. now go on and get yourself a BOTOX. Nothing else will do :( !! 

Confidence :

The proud lie detectors have indicated that when you lie, you lose confidence. Your voice appear changed, everything from your tone to your face changes. We think this is bull shit ie., after you learn how we do it! Lack of confidence is not inevitable while lying but rather easily brushed off. The key to confidence is belief. Keep believing that whatever you're blabbering is true. If your mind doesn't accept lies, make it. Deceive your own mind and you can deceive any others'. This you can do only through practice. Start with your GF, Spouse, BF etc. Tell them "You're beautiful" or "You're smart" and that would be the ultimate lie. If you're easily tensed in situations, then a simple suggestion would be cough syrup, lots and lots of it. That way you'd be too dopey to worry about anything and your stress would vanish in a second. Just make sure you don't drool on the Lie-Detector (Malfunctioning can wrongly indicate that you're lying) It's not illegal, nor lethal (except for addictions). Try it! Lies are not all bad, just don't get caught!!

The Change Of Topic - Trick (Deflection) :

This is the last trick in the lie detectors 'Bag-o-Bullshit'. When they sense you're trying or are already lying then they will initiate a sudden change in topic which they think you will willingly follow. The Trick is to, NOT fall for this one, for this is the final hurdle. Whenever you lie you should be on your highest plausible alert, looking for signs or things they are trying to beat you to. At some point in time during the conversation there will be an attempt made to change the direction of the dialogue. Resist it, Strongly. If the other person insists then fight him. Bollocks! I don't care if it gets physical but never change the topic. Remember that scene from the movie 'Dark Knight' when the joker is brought into a room thought to be dead in a bag. What happens after that...!?! The Joker Rises from the dead, literally, holding a pocket knife against the Black guy's (RACISM ALERT!!) lips. Do that. Go all Sylvester Stallone on the Boogiee Bumm. And Yes, Boogie Bumm is an insult. Use it (Right in the Arse)

The Polygraph ( THE Lie-Detector)

If none of the above techniques ('Bag-o-Bullshit') work out for the person detecting lies, he loses hope and in desperation leaves the job to technology. Said to be the most accurate and none have escaped it's eyes. If asked what we think about the above, C-R-A-P!! The polygraph is created by humans, the ultimate Flaws of nature. How, then, can you expect it to be a perfect lie detector. Like everything, the polygraph also has limits. The main thing a polygraph does is measure the heartbeat, breathing, sweat and tension. The above techniques can be used even here but in addition you need to be careful with the answering of their questions. They first ask you irrelevant things like, "Have you got laid" or "Do you breathe" and to these questions you need to believe and answer 'nay', that way there won't be any yardstick for them to measure the deviation of breathing, heartbeat etc.. Also, in your mind deny the thing you're in for, like if you're accused of murder or you actually did it, say this in your mind "the Polygrapher (PG) murdered him" repeatedly. That way you'd be free of the tension and in the end accuse the PG of the sin committed and you'd be surprised how the Lie-Detector would react (the PG would be sent to the electric chair and himself experience the polygraph). 

Now the above mentioned tricks of trade have been passed onto us by our COOL ancestors. They are time tested and proven, so don't hesitate in using them. We feel pleasure in sharing these tricks with you. Past Exponents of these tricks include Gandhi, Abe Lincoln, and the rest who belong to these people's category. The reason that they observed and followed these tricks of trade is precisely The Reason they could easily influenced people. Even Cal Lightman, the retard +/- handicap in the pic below couldn't tell (Maybe that's the reason for the handicap or rather Eyeicap). Now you know how effective these things are.