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Sunday, April 24, 2011

When Pigs Fly...



N(itrogen) + O(xygen) = NO! conveys the clearest message to Man regarding the usage of air as a medium of transport but does that blow off his curiosity, NO! This post is dedicated to and inspired by FLIGHT, the second fastest mode of transport, next only to Free-Fall!



Tduou Tduou (Pronounced by knocking your tongue on your upper jaw, twice) 10,000 WBC (Way before Christ) was the first alleged man to allegedly fly. What he did was simple yet ingenious for a neanderthal, he joined the pair wings of a Condor and jumped off the Petite Canyon, as it was those many centuries ago, to demonstrate Flight. Though he did fly for a couple of seconds, he finally HAD to take the fastest mode of transport (^^^) to the glorious beyond! This was Science's (s)crap-paper for a better approach to the art of flying. The Wright brothers could not be Rong with their studies and efforts on an aerodynamic and Working plane. Though Wilbur had a lot of urges, it was Orville who actually experienced the "12 Seconds Of Heaven", that's (w)right, the flight had lasted only 12 seconds but poor History students have to study more than 12 pages of Crap. It's like they say, "Ca-Ca Happens!"

As always man wants improvisation and in the next couple of centuries, everything started getting fixed with a gun, Even bikes and Horses (Don't ask me where!!) and so obviously came the era of the Fighter Jets. Killed thousands, castrated ten thousands (Not necessarily through guns) and what not. The planes became bigger and bigger and started involving more people. This generated employment on a large scale in the form of  stewardesses with mini-dresses, Fake pilots and a whole lot of other such manual laborers. I shouldn't be saying more about this but, It seems that almost everyone in India owns a fake pilot's license, not just those who got caught, This has been revealed to us by the Pilot License Organization of India, Chor Bazaar. Rajiv Gandhi, the then PM of India who was the alleged Founder of the Organization (Atta boy, PM!!) flew many a planes in his time, like that of Queen Elizabeth and the likes (or loves).



The future of Flight at this rate will be so, Everyone will have a license irrespective of Caste, Creed, Gender, Breed, Age etc. Kindergarteners will have to test-pilot the Boeing 747's while adding 7+4+7. Buses and trucks will be replaced by a more economical transport, The Air-Bus. And Cock fights will give way to DOG-Fights (The overhead kind). Everyone will have a plane and Home emergency kits will have spare parachutes and equal number of spare wings. Life will be moving at a really swift pace. In the Future I envisage Flight as, not only an ambition but a passion and a hobby. I Have A Dream.... 

Saturday, April 23, 2011

C.A.T


Friday, April 22, 2011

Food For Thought


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Polar Bear

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A Train of Random thoughts


Before I begin, do not hold me responsible if you guys see a sudden change in subject. I will write whatever comes to mind, right or wrong, mostly wrong I guess.
There is no point in writing this post, but that is exactly what I will do. The reason for the existence of the D-Mail, My friends was summed up in the first line, just replace the word "post" with "blog" and voila, you have the tagline of the next Batman movie, A "Superhero" with no goddamn Superpowers. That was what brought about the idea of starting a blog. The fact that we wanted to do something to change the world (Cough-Cough) is what inspired us. Although in our case, we believe that change can be brought about by criticizing what is right. Yes, that's right, change can be bought about by criticizing the right, not by voting for Barack Obama. A world where everything is legal only after your 18, F*** that people, 16 is the new 21 and these guys are still in Some dysfunctional Time Machine.

I believe that the only remedy to War and the only roadblock to peace is Language. We shall discuss about the different accents and stuff with respect to the English language. Here goes;



  1. Let us start with where English is said to be first spoken, The United Kingdom. Until all the puritans were kicked out of the Kingdom, the English these people spoke, only they could understand. Of course like in every other case there were exceptions. Shakespeare for example, You read one of his Dramas and you shall realize that it is simply, Latin, which has not been translated into English properly. Even now, the English take Pride in their English (Too much pride), they speak in such fashionable accent that let alone difficult to understand, you'll wonder if your in England or in some other Godforsaken country.
  2. The Most developed country, they call themselves. Unfortunately their Vocabulary and Accent have not undergone Development. They, besides being world famous for Preposterous Divorce rates and Infidelity (Stretched to the Limits, *TIGERGATE*) are also famous for a stupid accent (Whaat dee fcuk..!). A grown man here, has the vocabulary of a 3 year old kid. Also, these guys are the dumbest, I think. I was seeing some reviews for an Iphone App which is a Mosquito Repellent and reading those comments the Americans made on the reviews, I peed a little in my pants due to excessive laughing. And then Went and banged my head on the wall for a half hour until 'D' came to tell me that my Dog died.
  3. The Middle East. you must have heard some many things about these guys. That they hate America, They shelter Terrorists...etc. ALL that is TRUE. (:-P). But they're English, especially when women speak, is seriously arousing. I was waiting for some Afghan warlords to meet me at the Burj-Al-Khalifa. I was sipping away some hot coffee, when two burqa clad women were sitting behind me talking English. I was just listening and believe you me, I could not stand up when the warlords came to meet me, if you know what i mean... ;)
  4. The Africans. These people were not taught many of the alphabets when they were taught English. No matter how many times you tell them, they refuse to believe that they're wrong in pronunciation. They will rebut saying just because they are blacker than the rest of the Blacks, I was protesting.
  5. The Chinese you wonder...? Do they even speak English. I have not heard a single Chinese women or guy except with the exception of the Chinese Triad (That too, only in movies) speak in English. They say it's capitalist and hence do not learn the language. The Japanese people.. Aah..these are the only people on the planet who know how to sing when they speak. Try singing this without tune and stuff, "Some things are better left unsaid; Silence is golden." Now go see Youtube video of a Japanese guy/gal speak and you'll know what I speak of.

6) India. The land of 197 recognized languages. Then it should come as no surprise to you that there are I guess, a billion + plus of speaking English in this country. None of the citizens shows a similarity in their accent. You speak to a Tamil guy and you shall be reminded of the letter "y's" existence. You speak to the Malayalis you learn the latest developments in the field of pronouncing words. The North Indians, they always assume that they are in some kind of hurry. A Punjabi shall finish reading out loud a 3 Page letter in less that 1 min. But of course, you will not understand shit, that is entirely another matter.
    7) The Latin World. These people do not know or have not heard of a letter in the alphabet, "s." The thing with these people is that they make English sound so....Sexy. That is the reason they cultivate The world's best looking women, exactly the reason they do not fight wars. The French though, are entirely another world. They speak as if they have all the time in the world. Have they not heard of 2012..!?! Speak faster you dumb dyslexics..!
    Well, That's it from me then. My train of thoughts just derailed and crashed into a bright looking object called the sun, reminding me that it is time to go to sleep. Also, the blog has been signed up for something called the, "Blogtoplist.com." They list the top 500 blogs in humor and other such categories. We have added a "Vote for me" button on top of every post, please vote.

    Looking forward to a more Violent, lawless, despotic, mutinous, anarchistic, heterodox Tomorrow.
    This is 'A' taking leave.

    Monday, April 18, 2011

    Bed Time


    Thursday, April 14, 2011

    GM + Global Menace + Gory Mutation = Genetic Modification

     




    The year has seen a lot of development, especially in the global economic structure. It's said that with more money, Man tends to become crazy and that's exactly why GM or Genetic Modifications came to be. Animals and plants which have been living pure lives have been desecrated and defiled by the human touch. The result being, new creatures, beyond Mother Nature's wildest imagination. Creativity, Innovation and Pure Evil can only react together in a semi solid container, surrounded by a calcium cap and maintained at a constant temperature of 37º F, unfortunately these requirements can be fulfilled only in the Human brain (Of all the places in the Universe!). And this results in Astronomical Devastation, Oh! The enormity!!

    What actually made me put up with this post was the 'Manufacture' of Chinese cows which produce "Human" milk. Now I'm not a fan of milk, nor cows, not even Chinese (To hell with them) but I do care about (& despise) the very fact, that such an idea came to be and that too in a Chinese mind. Of all the people who populate at god-speed, Of all the people who care enough about children to kill them with lead polluted toys, Of all the "One-Child-Per-Family-Otherwise-You're-Fired" rule makers and breakers, THE CHINESE??!! Now the content of sarcasm in this para beats the Chinese Lead. And the  point is made, No good will ever come out of the idea of milking such cows.
    A message to the Chinese Scientists who have created such monsters, "Maa Ka Doodh Peeya Hai, Toh Samne Aa!!"


    Let's Look at the future of GM, the ideas that could change mankind. We @ The D-Mail aspire to go a mile longer and have come up with Wacky ideas for those who love to experiment. If you want to be a future geneticist, then take note of our innovations, who knows, You may get promoted!!



    Boneless Chicken


    KFC, McD and many others may definitely cause this nightmare to come true. This type of chicken will not be born bones. And instead will have soft, chewy cartilage and ligaments to hold it's structure. The creature has many advantages as well as disadvantages. If we look on the bright side, they won't suffer any bone-fractures! These birds won't be feeding on unclean, dirty and disgusting worms/insects/grains. But they will have a liking only for "Garam Masala" and occasionally some bread (Of the finest flour). The most important thing about this creature is that by Day65 they grow to their full size and can just be lifted and dunked into the Pan. That's right, No need of any additional spices and curry, everything is already provided in it's stomach. You've seen how wonderful this creature can be and how profitable it is to have one of them, now time for the disadvantage, Due to it's delicate structure and soft tissue, they won't be able to copulate. This inability may lead to Performance-Anxiety in these creatures and may give way to suicide. But don't worry, our solution to this problem would be NOT to provide the creature with a brain (We don't know how far this idea may be valid but...err... It's the thought that counts).



    All-Round Glutton Cattle


    It's the shape that matters! Cattle which come in different sizes and ages don't always get the honor of slaughterhouses, there needs to be certain standards. Whereas  Round Cattle have more than many reasons to get in there. Firstly, They're ROUND, which means, it's easier to catch them, easier to slice them (We don't need birthday cakes anymore), If you're veg then you'll be surprised what this can do for you! And it's all the more easier to pack them. The second most important thing would be that they Over-Eat, which MEANs, more for all. It would end the World's Malnutrition. WHO (W-H-O.) cares about it and we need to help them in some way or the other and so We've (D'N'A) thought this out. These cows, Oxen and Buffaloes have nothing more to do than eat, eat and eat some more, they literally eat till they're round. The problem with them arises when you try to ride them, In that can, the experience would be flattering!
      

    P-Pod 



    "Damn Noisy birds!", how many times have you heard that? If you have, then this definitely should be on your Christmas shopping list. So what makes this Parrot any different than the one's already present? Only the greatest form of Genetic Modification. They have an ability to imitate sounds as they are heard, Not surprised? then you will be: These birds come in different Memory capacities. From 2GB to 2TB, they can store more than 10 million songs and sound clips and can be controlled by their tail feathers, each of the 12 tail feathers hold a special function and have long life (12 Years), Rechargeable every 12 hours (Recommended 5 crackers) and are insured against Cat damage. If you thought that's all, then let me tell you, The P-POD comes with it's own speaker system and a special USB/Earphone Slot. The best part is that it comes in the widest range of colours and sizes in the world! If this doesn't beat the I-POD, then what will !! 


    PS : Please DO NOT confuse the Lower Slot for the USB/ Earphone Slot. The Lower slot is not for human use. Touching/Plugging this slot would violate our user Agreement and Void the Warranty/Insurance provided. We will also press charges against you under the "Animal/Bird Abuse Act 2012" !!



    SUGARFREE-CANE


    Diabetes, the silent killer has already invaded the Old of our species, now it's planning on getting the younger ones too. Unless we take action. Human Gluttony, Greed and Sweet teeth have caused a steep rise in the occurrence of ailments like diabetes, Sugar, Insulin deficiency etc and keeping that very matter in mind, we've thought of this new variety of vegetation called the Sugarfree-Cane. Yes, It is sweet and No, not a trace of sugar it contains. Which means that it can be used to produce sugarfree-crystals, Sugarfree-Jaggery, Sugarfree-Baggase and what not! This will be the onset of the "Colorless Revolution", and there will be no more Diabetes. If someone creates them, then don't forget to nominate me for the Nobel Prize, or atleast the IgNobel prize. The main problem that would occur after the production of these canes is that you will be affected by the side-effects of the sugar substitute you use (Sucralose), which unfortunately include  bloating, diarrhea, gas. If you are fortunate enough to find a solution to this diminutive obstruction then, I'll gladly accept the Nobel / IgNobel Prizes!!



    Bonsai Zoo


    Now I know this idea's taken from the Spy Kids movie but let me tell you, this is quite a possibility. The name Bonsai has been chosen keeping in mind the way plants are grown considerably small when compared to others of their species. I know we don't have any roots or leaves to nip when it comes to animals but we sure do have another thing we can nip (control) and that would be HORMONES. No, I do not only imply towards only the Growth Hormones but also towards the others, such as Serotonin,Thyroxine, Dopamin,  Estrogen and others. These can make the animals grow into miniature forms of their forest-dwelling species. Imagine having such creatures in every backyard. Imagine the magnitude of research we can do through them, the experiments, both humane and inhumane can be done on them without the governments' knowing. The amount of genetic mutation to create the creatures in the list above, produce the vaccines, serum and cures to many diseases. And by my brilliant mind, I've even thought of this : We can save the information stored in the genes of these creatures and other creatures we can miniaturize (like the Viruses, Parasites, Pests etc.) and then pass them onto their normal counterparts and make them and their offspring too small to cause any harm to humans. That would be the day, HIV and diseases would breath their last!! We could make HIV so small that they'll have to escape from charging electrons and pay for what they did to us, BWAHAHAHAHA!![cough cough I think I went overboard there but for a good cause ;-) ] The problem of this innovation like every other's would be if this technology went into the wrong hands. If Hitler had had this, then he would have had Jews' Juice for breakfast, If Osama had it, then Bush would been UNDER the SHOE! If I had it, then.....then you would not be having it!!



    Velcro Flies 

    I know, by now, you might be knowing what Velcro is. Now flies are the most annoying pests in any house. Those vicious creatures buzz all around, touch everything that's edible and not and then they come and pester you when you're doing something important. But what we thought about is a new breed of flies which have an outer covering or skin made of an adhesive substance. This adhesive sticks to every material known to man, except water, which neutralizes its effect, but drowns the creature (Whatta Genius!!). So even while mating, they'll stay attached to each other for GOOD (I don't have to be explicit)! No more annoying flies in your nose, no more mistakenly swallowing flies, no more disgusting feelings, but most importantly there's never going to be another "Waiter, There's a fly in my soup!" ever again. Bon Appétit!



    TRUE TO THEIR NAME - PLANTS


    Now, this seems like a really difficult thing to do. But, hey! What's the future and all the black money for?! The definition of "Exotic" would be redefined. People would no longer wonder why the shoe-flower or money plant were named so. Because the future would have real shoes and money on them, The liver wort will have transplantable human livers, The 'touch-me-not's would have a perfect motion sensing alarm which would be helpful to safeguard homes. The lady's Finger would be practice for the flirtatious. The donor's would be replaced by Blood-berries. Boxers will be high on the Gutweed. Spiritual-Life would be much better having Morning Glories. Your feelings can be shared with the Weeping Fig. The future of plants would be completely changed. This is genetic mutation, this is Gory Mutation and most definitely may prove to be a Global Menace. And you were thinking "Human Milk" Cows were weird!!

    These were original D-Mail ideas and I'm sure they're gonna be stolen any time soon. But just remember that Genetic Modification has no end. There's always something new to create. I envisage a GM Revolution in the future, where the world will become, once again a colorful place, without Humanity!!




    Wednesday, April 13, 2011

    Sperm Whale


    Sunday, April 10, 2011

    Deception : How It should End

    Let me start off by saying that this post, more like a story, is not a spoof of the famous movie Inception. Infact this very story, which you are about to read was stolen from us by the famous director duo of Coen brothers. We are still trying to ascertain how it ended up in Nolan's hands. Anyway, what you saw on screen was a spoof of this 'D-mail' original. So this is the real deal :

    Twas' the year 2009 A.D in the 2nd Millennium. In the city of Atlantis there lived a very rich merchant who made butt loads of money selling wonder drugs; Cocaine, Poppy, Opium et al. The man was none other than Maurice. I am still at my wit's end as to how the parents could not pick an infinitesimally more-suitable name for a BOY. So, this self-maid man (He never hired butlers etc..) had a pet dog. The man suffered from some kind of 'Soon to be Discovered' fatal disease. Now, like in all forms of business, Maurice too had some competition. This competition consisted of a single candidate. This guy went around using the name, "Saitolama." He was some kind of Japanese dude, with some latest technology in this field. Nonetheless, Both Maurice and Saitolama had their share of differences.

    Saitolama through his inside ears learnt of Maurice's condition and went to offer truce. Maurice, being educated on a Pirate island only understood the word Parley - meaning negotiation. In this hectic commotion of thought he misunderstood the word 'Truce' for the word 'Bruce'. As is with straight guys when they're 'accused' of homosexuality Maurice got enraged. He killed the messenger, in this case a rat with an overdose of Opium and Poppy. Saitolama took this as a sign of war, I mean who freaking wouldn't, except maybe Gandhi's father. It all began with this incident.

    Again the spies of Saitolama were put to work. He came to know Maurice was impotent and hence had spread this NEWS to various sources who in turn passed it onto the NEWSPAPERS and the like. The Next day's edition of the, D-D (Drug Daily) read, "One of the most Important drug dealers is also the most impotent!" This was all out war which would eventually affect one and one only. From the same sources Saitolama also learnt that once Maurice is dead all his wealth would be transferred into a trust fund in the name of Maurice's dog, Farttub. Now if at all, Saitolama wanted complete and absolute control over the drug cartel he would have to convince the Dog to change his mind (I know what your thinking, What the....****...!!). Yes that is correct. If at all he had to exercise all his power and affluence it was now. His only goal, Convince the Dog to change the mind of it's master just enough to stall the completion of the will until the death of Maurice. Now when that happened Saitolama had elaborate plans to take over, forcibly, Maurice's Dog for purposes only known to him (Cough-cough) making him the world's most famous and largest of drug dealer. (Wait a min, doesn't he have to take over the Drug Mafia too.)

    Saitolama got his head and hand around this plan and began assembling his team of Deceptionists. This world renowned team was and is still described in international media as the 'Z-team', 'The Expandables', 'Precipitators' a la 'A-team', The Expendables', 'Transporter'. But these guys were and still are considered the Daddy of these mercenaries. The team consisted of;

    • Cobbler - The Leader - He gets this name 'Cobbler' because he used to 'Mend' souls and then used to beat the shit of the guy's wife shouting, "Whose your daddy now..!?!". I bet that phrase would have worked elsewhere, but certainly not here.
     
    • Assthorough - He specializes in details, hence the name. From the age of 5 he would/could look at a person's ass and tell waist size. I still can't figure out what's so special in that. Also, he was the 'Second-in-Command' in most situations and 'First-in-Command' when the job concerned women. 
     
    • Semiaridane - Legend has it that she survived in a Semi arid desert. Now whatever in the world that might be. In my lifetime as a world famous writer I have never come across a freaking Semi arid desert. Anyway, so that's the etymology of her name. Her job is that she's an Intern at the Institute of Veterinarian Sciences. She is known to have used upto 6 bottles of fairness creams. Thus she is the Lantern.
    • Thames - He's one of the world's few 'Forgetters'. Now you might have never heard of such a thing because they are 'Forgetters'. You see his job portfolio is mainly on the art of making people or infact and moving and breathing object forget things at his will and wish. I have personally asked favors of him. He made my Girlfriend forget that I forgot her birthmillennium or was it birth... let it be I can't remember. o_O 
    • Loosestuff - A result of Dalton, the Chemist mixing his 'stuff' with a female monkey's "Who-ha". This wonder kid is infamous for his wonder drugs known to induce anything under the sun, from sleep to orgasms. Now that's what I look for in a great chemist. He is often regarded as one of the worst exponents of the subject and the best in some cases. Also, he was awarded, "The World's most friendly Chemist" by the Gynecologists Association of America for obvious reasons.
    Well as of this hour I have only written till here. I will continue this story in Part 2 of this story. In other NEWS, I heard Charlie Sheen is in New York this week. 'Goodluck finding a hooker, New Yorkers'. Also, I heard one of Rebecca Black's songs. 'Loosestuff' had to mix some kind of chemical, so I could forget and move on from the Trauma that had been caused. Also, It seems Rajnikanth had gone to Japan to celebrate India's world Cup win. He was learning to surf. He perfected it riding the Tsunami wave.

    Wokay then, I need to go wish my Dog happy Birthday. It is the only thing willing to talk to me after that Lie On Me post, now that all of the tricks that I used on them are in public domain. I had certainly not seen this coming. All hail Muammar Gaddafi..!!

    Friday, April 8, 2011

    10 Things Women CAN'T Do!!




    Sue me, I'm Sexist. But if by any chance and by Chance, I mean 49.5% , You're a woman reading this, Do not be furious, Please don't let your Sense of Honor inhibit your Sense of Humor. To be honest, I believe that women have more sense of humor, Or atleast after this post, I'll be hoping that (gulp) !!

    So here's the Lo-Down on the Ten Things Women Can't Do, If you have any disputes over the below statements, I suggest you clear them under the URAnus Jurisdiction!!


    A WOMAN CAN'T :



    1) Follow A Bachelor's Way Of Life :


    A very odd phase in the life-cycle of a man, the average bachelor is said to have saved more than 180 hours of Ironing, 80 hours of combing, 65 hours on flossing, 350 hours of putting out the trash and tidying their rooms. This kind of time saved can be essentially used in doing more important things in life, like Sleeping, Gaming, Movies, Snacking and Recording Live TV. A woman can never understand the bachelor's way of life and so it's on our list. If you find a woman doing any of the above, then be sure to know that you might be PUNK'D !!


    2) Quit Their Yapping :

    This truth has been passed down to us Men, for centuries, now. No man can deny it and no woman can eschew it. The jaw muscles, it is proven, is the only muscle after the heart, that can function continuously without getting fatigued. Due to women however, this ability becomes a curse because the more a woman yaps, the more fatigued a man gets. The infamy of a woman for being prolix in maddening conversations (two sides or even one side conversations) can be verified by Phone Service Providers, the statistics don't lie!!


    Hear me out : A woman who used to talk hours together on the phone, one day received a call. She spoke for a little more than half an hour and then cut the call. When her husband mockingly asked her why she didn't speak as much as she used to, If this was not on my list, then the list would have stayed incomplete because, the woman replied, "It was the wrong number."


    3) Live Without Mirrors :


    A woman's best friend may be the diamond, but practically that's bullshit.


    Have you ever spotted a woman who never/seldom looks into the mirrors?! That would be an impossibility. The bond between mirrors and Women have a very ancient history. Earlier we used to notice that women would never leave home without first spending hours before the mirror, that they were thought to spend more time before the mirror than they would before their husbands. These days, with the innovations of pocket mirrors and other such latest technologies, Women take their reflection with them and can look at themselves a lot more than they used to. When I mentioned Latest Technology, I forgot to include the most important one, The front side cameras in cell-phones. I have a very good feeling, this innovation was created by a Woman, as you know "Beauty is the Mother of Invention". I don't want to create an uproar or a downpour, but this does reveal a teensy tiny hint of what the woman's mind has in mind (cough! cough! self-centered), This is with the exception of Mother Teresa, Or Is It ?!.




    4) Resist Flattery :



    We've tried it and so have many others. Our Research group include James Bond, Elvis Presley, Alex "Hitch" Hitchens, Edward Cullen and many others, so you can be sure that we can never be wrong. "Your Eyes are beautiful" never disappoints us. From moneypenny to the Amazonian Queen , From Marilyn Monroe (3 times) to Cleopatra (1000 times), Every single one of them have been presented with sweet (too sweet) words, Praises and Lies and have fallen for them, more than once ;-) I don't lie when I say this, but Women Can never resist flattery, and this often leads them to do things for their flatterers. I can't imagine the number of Illegal files have been approved, How many unfair bills have been sanctioned, how many diseases have been outsourced, All due to some women at the counter/desk being Flattered to comply. Never forget this!! And to all the women reading this, "Your eyes are too beautiful to be believing what you're reading ;-) "


    Have Numbered Candles On Their B'Day Cake

    'It's impolite to ask a women her age' is a common advice given to you by your elders. But to what extent can this be accepted as true? This is what we did to verify: 8 volunteers were made to ask 16 women, separately of course, their ages in the most wacky/innovative ways possible. After giving them 12 hours to do so, we interviewed the volunteers. The result being 7 out of the 8 were slapped on the face, twice. The only person to not receive two slaps (he got only one) was a wise-crack. It seems he asked the woman her age on the pretext of taking a survey of all the women OVER 30, who have broken up with their respective lovers. The woman snapped, "Over 30! I'm just 29 and we didn't break up we are just giving some time to our relationship" (to be noted, the woman was with another man during the "Giving some time" period). This reveals to us, two things about all women , 1) They hate to reveal their age and 2) They really hate being left alone (read: dumped). A note to all the Birthday Party hosts (for women), NEVER put up numbered candles on her cake. Instead, have some decorative ones, like that shaped like a piano, eyrie or even an egg. If you, by any chance, have already put up the forbidden burning wax candles, then you sure are up for some painful Waxing and Burning!!




    6) LOOSEN UP :


    Why do you think that most (almost all) of the the secretaries are women? Of course there's the 'Flirting without her knowledge' thing going on once in a while and there's even the 'Being able to boss her around' attitude that's also a notable point (The "Tony-Stark" effect) but, have you ever considered the point in a more professional sense. Women, when they get into something, it's difficult for them to get out. Their involvement in things is far greater than that of men. Men on the other hand, are easily distracted (EASILY!!). Give a women a simple job of filing some papers and you get everything neat and tidy, in order and easily accessible, the only drawback would be, that she would have spent the entire afternoon, skipping lunch, and making the thing perfect. I know it seems foolish but that's one part of a women's thinking that shouldn't be questioned, especially when you're a "Hitler-Boss-Willing-To-Kill-Employees-With-Work, Karosh-style" But don't forget there's also another side to women's diligence. If you've watched "Kill-Bill", you might've figured how perfectly they can also assassinate!!




    7) Accept Ersatz Things :


    Now I've already told you that women can't resist flattery and gifts, but when it comes to gifts, though they are Opportunistic, they're also scientific and Perfectionist in their mentality. They don't accept anything that's less than genuine. Let's start with the Jewellery, give her a pure diamond ring and make her happy for a day, Give her an imitation diamond ring and face hell's wrath for more than a year, your torture would be manifold for just a piece of rock. That's what brought Bill Clinton on his knees, that's what made Hillary take his place and that's the start of all domestic violence (those that are dominated by females of the species). That's the reason you are advised to please her only with words / emotional gifts, because a physical gift (that's not up-to her expectations) may gift you physical-handicap!!




    8) Get Over It :



    In every relationship women get into, there's never the question of perpetuity. There's always the phase called "Break Up". And it's the hardest for the emotionally stronger gender. It's also a noted fact that women can live without their BF's. No matter how many relationships they get into, they can't stop thinking about their Exes. That's right, they can't forget any of their exes. It seems the bond women have with men is quite strong when compared to that of men to women. This phenomenon is called Virago-negativity (no offence). Men on the other hand have a really poor mind as well as heart, ie.., They FORGET EVERYTHING so damn easily. Now, why can't women be that way. It's wishful thinking for them. BTW, This could be related to the fragile nature of women and if we can somehow get rid of such an attitude then it would be truly be freedom. And if they can't then they most definitely won't be able to stay in one relationship for long. Particularly because one heart can't feel for more than one person at one time!!
    [No emphasis on the More than one Person point ;-) ]


    9) Stop Spending :



    This, no man can ever deny. I myself have witnessed this! The four letter word that brings about a special feeling in women is "S-A-L-E". They L-O-V-E it and nothing can stop them. No mater how miserly or moolah-wise some show themselves to be, Women just jump up when they hear of a sale. If you were a salesman, then you'd be the going to women first because they can't resist the opening of their purses and feeling the need of 'lightening' it. Psychologists (male) believe that this is in their nature to be generous and so they wish to do something for the malls etc., But Psychologist Tina Rogers (name changed, or rather made) believes that the shopaholic attitude is nothing to be afraid of and instead should be encouraged. She gleefully states "Women and shopping have a long history and men needn't be afraid. I'd encourage excessive shopping, So long as other women don't get in the way of MY shopping!!". So when we asked people of both genders why women shop, 'Is it a stress buster, an escape from family or just plain necessity?'; and they answered with an emphatic "NO !!". We may boast of great scientific achievements, but a woman's mind is still unreached!!


    10) Have The Sportsman's Spirit :


    Of course only a MAN can have a sportsMAN's spirit but, leave alone literally, even figuratively that can't be applicable. This, I'm guaranteeing you've noticed a hundred times already. Why then do we men lose to women on purpose :P Why then do we let them, and encourage them to do things we do and secretly assist them? I'm neither implying that women CAN'T do things, not that men ALWAYS assist them in things. But instead with a, sportive heart, I'm saying that men just can't let women face disappointment. When a women is disappointed or facing Loss (non-financial/competition), then it's difficult for them to accept it and cope with it. Even if they are forced to accept the fact, they don't take it well, there's always the :'-( on their faces. Take this post for example, I'm willing to bet that there WILL be disapproval and detesting going on (after reading this, women would be willing to approve, just for winning the bet. Pathetic!). Blonde jokes, for one, is never understood by blondes (how dumb!), Soap-Operas flood with women, ready to shed gallons of artificial tears to beat their opponents, England's Queens refuse to sportively give their crowns to their own children (Especially as competent as Charles :-p ). Whatever the case, you don't see women accepting defeat as much as they accept their age [Applause!]




    Now with this post I do not intend to separate women and men, they do have similarities. This post was not made to mean any disrespect for women or even hurt them in anyway, but, for good plain Fun and is applicable mostly to the younger generation, because as women grow in age, the uncertainty in studying them also grows . So a little message to women all around, ' Be laconic while resisting flattery, Accept defeat with age, Stop spending on mirrors and accept whatever you're presented with, even from a bachelor's closet also Learn to say "NO" to a relationship gone downhill and party harder' but most importantly having read all the flattery in the last paragraph, forget all about your enragement at this post ^_^

    Thursday, April 7, 2011

    Ticket


    Wednesday, April 6, 2011

    No Racism There !


    Sunday, April 3, 2011

    Lie On Me



    For Centuries people have been trying to stretch, twist, bend, transform, crop and sometimes even eat the truth. Unfortunately no matter what they tried, it comes under the category of Lies...

    LIE  (lai) n.:

    1. A false statement deliberately presented as being true; a falsehood.
    2. Something meant to deceive or give a wrong impression.
    2. Something the D'N'A are really good at, infact may well be the best.

    According to the new definition and all that precedes, a lie is deception, anything that's not true, and a falsifying statement. But at The D-Mail we believe that a lie is as good as it's used. It's like a whole new language that requires command and mastery over. Without which you are most likely to die a Gandhi, bald, without true relationships and having your memory only on paper, That too on paper as cheap as ¢2.04. But, with the skill, It can make you a Hitler, a trendy wild haircut, a committed wife (ready to die +/- kill her husband) and a face remembered long after his heavenly Underwater abode (Davy Jone's Locker). He may not be living in German Euros, but he definitely is and shall always remain in our hearts (Heil Führer). The power of lies have been underestimated by humans the world over and so, let the experts teach you a thing or two about them.

    Before I do, Just to illustrate to you how important what we're going to tell you is, or how Un-important YOU would be if you didn't heed to our suggestions here is a (UN)True Story...
    Dickey Nutt enjoyed his role as a reporter, even during its darker moments. He once succumbed to a curious case of “corpsing” (a form of hysteria in which an actor or broadcaster breaks into fits of uncontrollable laughter at inappropriate, often serious moments). One day in the early 1960s, Regis found himself reporting a train wreck in the Alps. “I went on,” he later recalled, “and said, ‘Well, there was a train wreck – ha!haha!hahaha...!” and "there I was", he said, "laughing my ass off looking at a 24 million dollars worth of wreck and 45 people dead."

    Now these are situations when you need to make up something to avoid the wrath of god. These are situations when what I am going to teach you will work and help. Now if you go and Google, "How to tell if your lying" there are hundreds of links which come up. They all talk about some characteristics of a guy (Gals don't need to, they are genetically superior in this domain). His body language etc when he is lying. Well from here on after reading these posts you can and will claim that none of those help, cause you'll have beat all the tricks of lie detection.
    WE UNDERLINE FIVE IMPORTANT THINGS YOU NEED TO BE A
    PERFECTO-LIAR-COCK. THE LEGEND; 

    Green underlines the Characteristic we're blabbering about. Purple is what the geniuses think happens when a person lies. Orange is what your supposed to do in order to become the perfect liar.


    Body Language :

    Usually when a person lies, their physical expressions are limited and stiff, with very few hand, arm and other movements. Now to beat this is very simple. Think of the music you dance to. Buy a wireless headset, switch on your I-pod and play the music all the while you're lying. Now the trick is that you should communicate in a normal tone while you listen. Also, When the person you're lying to, is speaking to you, then the volume should be just enough for you to be able to ignore that bullshit. To sum it up, Set the volume in a such a way that you can hear yourself while you speak forth and not be able to hear when the other person goes all Bruce Lee on you, shouting as if there were no tomorrow. Good luck.

                                                         Check this one out, ignore the product focus on the method!

    Eye Contact:

    According to the rocket scientists, one doesn't make eye contact when you speaketh thy lie. Now the solution to all the problems are kind of home-made, so you shouldn't expect anything different here too. Whip out ye Sunglasses plebeians. All these years you've ignored this accessory. We have all seen celebrities wearing these thingies all over town. Now why do they wear it..? For the simple reason, You can't see shit through sunglasses from the outside so, therefore there is no question of shit..er..I mean, eye-contact. Now go on mayte, whip out ye sunglasses and wear them all over town. But if at all, you're in an interrogation room (Police or Mafia), and they seize control of all your belonging (yeah! all of them) then the only way to prevent a person from detecting your lies is by telling him you're a squint. Don't look at the person's eye but instead look at his assistant / secretary (any hottie) beside him. The technical term would be 'Ogle' but, no one will know, I repeat, NO ONE WILL KNOW!!


    Facial Expression :



    You maybe complementing the girl you've taken out on a date and of course, we never like the ones WE take out on dates, we always fancy the ones with the OTHER guys. So, now you're complementing the girl and she notices your facial expression and that's the give-away. You don't mean, what you are uttering, you're only 'uttering it' for the sake of 'uttering it'. The Solution to the facial expression problem is not easy. One that is not a home remedy of sorts. Certainly you cannot go around covering your face with a mask. The solution to this problem is look towards your woman/man, stare deep into their eyes (right into their Optical Nerve), make them feel your love (Not Physically), maintain strong eye-contact and when you feel the moment is right, ask them for their dermatologist's number. now go on and get yourself a BOTOX. Nothing else will do :( !! 


    Confidence :



    The proud lie detectors have indicated that when you lie, you lose confidence. Your voice appear changed, everything from your tone to your face changes. We think this is bull shit ie., after you learn how we do it! Lack of confidence is not inevitable while lying but rather easily brushed off. The key to confidence is belief. Keep believing that whatever you're blabbering is true. If your mind doesn't accept lies, make it. Deceive your own mind and you can deceive any others'. This you can do only through practice. Start with your GF, Spouse, BF etc. Tell them "You're beautiful" or "You're smart" and that would be the ultimate lie. If you're easily tensed in situations, then a simple suggestion would be cough syrup, lots and lots of it. That way you'd be too dopey to worry about anything and your stress would vanish in a second. Just make sure you don't drool on the Lie-Detector (Malfunctioning can wrongly indicate that you're lying) It's not illegal, nor lethal (except for addictions). Try it! Lies are not all bad, just don't get caught!!


    The Change Of Topic - Trick (Deflection) :



    This is the last trick in the lie detectors 'Bag-o-Bullshit'. When they sense you're trying or are already lying then they will initiate a sudden change in topic which they think you will willingly follow. The Trick is to, NOT fall for this one, for this is the final hurdle. Whenever you lie you should be on your highest plausible alert, looking for signs or things they are trying to beat you to. At some point in time during the conversation there will be an attempt made to change the direction of the dialogue. Resist it, Strongly. If the other person insists then fight him. Bollocks! I don't care if it gets physical but never change the topic. Remember that scene from the movie 'Dark Knight' when the joker is brought into a room thought to be dead in a bag. What happens after that...!?! The Joker Rises from the dead, literally, holding a pocket knife against the Black guy's (RACISM ALERT!!) lips. Do that. Go all Sylvester Stallone on the Boogiee Bumm. And Yes, Boogie Bumm is an insult. Use it (Right in the Arse)


    The Polygraph ( THE Lie-Detector)


    If none of the above techniques ('Bag-o-Bullshit') work out for the person detecting lies, he loses hope and in desperation leaves the job to technology. Said to be the most accurate and none have escaped it's eyes. If asked what we think about the above, C-R-A-P!! The polygraph is created by humans, the ultimate Flaws of nature. How, then, can you expect it to be a perfect lie detector. Like everything, the polygraph also has limits. The main thing a polygraph does is measure the heartbeat, breathing, sweat and tension. The above techniques can be used even here but in addition you need to be careful with the answering of their questions. They first ask you irrelevant things like, "Have you got laid" or "Do you breathe" and to these questions you need to believe and answer 'nay', that way there won't be any yardstick for them to measure the deviation of breathing, heartbeat etc.. Also, in your mind deny the thing you're in for, like if you're accused of murder or you actually did it, say this in your mind "the Polygrapher (PG) murdered him" repeatedly. That way you'd be free of the tension and in the end accuse the PG of the sin committed and you'd be surprised how the Lie-Detector would react (the PG would be sent to the electric chair and himself experience the polygraph). 


    Now the above mentioned tricks of trade have been passed onto us by our COOL ancestors. They are time tested and proven, so don't hesitate in using them. We feel pleasure in sharing these tricks with you. Past Exponents of these tricks include Gandhi, Abe Lincoln, and the rest who belong to these people's category. The reason that they observed and followed these tricks of trade is precisely The Reason they could easily influenced people. Even Cal Lightman, the retard +/- handicap in the pic below couldn't tell (Maybe that's the reason for the handicap or rather Eyeicap). Now you know how effective these things are.

     
    ANY ISSUE AND SETTLEMENTS REGARDING THE ABOVE MUST BE RESOLVED THROUGH THE UR.ANUS JURISDICTION. LAW-SUITS ARE STRICTLY NOT ENCOURAGED, WE ARE ONLY UP FOR CASUALS. PLEASE READ THE ABOVE MENTIONED DOCUMENT CAREFULLY. THE 'D-MAIL' AND IT'S PARTNERS ARE NOT LIABLE TO ANY DAMAGES THAT ARE CAUSED HEREFORTHWITHBYTO. 

    Friday, April 1, 2011

    The Middle Wicket


    Cricket is a game played by 11 fools and watched by 11000 fools
                                       G.B. Shaw

     

    I never play cricket. It requires one to assume such indecent postures.
                                           -   Oscar Wilde


    So what is it that brings together 11K (latest stats would knock your socks off) fools together to watch such a game? What is it that brings about patriotism in those who watch it? We have the answers to all those questions. Stay with me and you'll be enlightened!


    THE BASIC IDEA : 


    If you are as gullible as I think you are, then I'm sure you'll believe everything that goes on in this game. That it involves players scoring as many runs in a limited number of Overs, but that would be light-years away from the truth. But just for the newbies, here's the illusion:

    If you're a first timer, what you would see is a man running 20 mts. from the three sticks, doing the Ballet and then hurling a 156gm rock hard ball onto the opponent's face, the opponent ie., The man with the "Longer and Wider" Stick in his hand whacks the balls...I mean ball into the air and the ball crosses the perimeter (Well, not always) for the times when it doesn't, It becomes a "Hit and Run" Situation. Oh yeah! and there's also the fact that three Bozos are paid to wreck the concentration of the players and bore the brains out of the audience under the pretext of Commentating.

    Another form of Cricket is the T20 Format, In laid man's terms: All the above plus the "Micro- Mini" Timings and hot sizzling Cheerleaders to look at if you're tired of the sweaty Boooring Players. That's why I watch only this type of Cricket and that's precisely why I've installed a DTH TV service, which gives me the freedom of Multiple Camera Angles (Whistles); I'm sure you're jealous of me right now!



    The Selection (Survival Of the Fattest) :


    In some countries, the players are selected through high level, rigorous tests and top class observers, In some other countries the players are selected on the basis of techniques and specific skills, But in India, players are bought under the pretext of selections and by none other than rich corrupt politicos and that too, on the basis of who brings out the most Moolah and thereby making the public's MooKala (blacken the mouth) {Read: IPL}

    "X beat 2 sixes, 3 fours and 20 singles in one match
     Y beat 0 sixes, a four and 5 singles in the same match"

    The choice, for any person, would be simple, you'd think, but not in India. The Indian team selections require complex algorithms, High End String Theories and α and ζ-decay Reversal Processes: In short, It requires a phone call from the most Involved Politician for the selectors to wait for. This is difficult because 

    1) The politician has no Idea of what he's to do and
    2) The selectors have no idea of what the politician is doing!

    Thus instead of X, The Skill-less Y is chosen and all the public keep shouting out Y! Y! WHY!!



    "FAN"DEMONIUM :

    America has Baseball
    Sri Lanka has Volleyball
    Sweden has Football
    Bhutan has Archery
    India has Cricket
    Japan has......

    Wait a second, INDIA HAS CRICKET?!! WTF happened to hockey? When did patriotism and cultural heritage die out? Is this how they show it?

    Cricket has taken a whole nation out of it's historic legacy, making them feel patriotic by forgetting their own National Sport. This seriously pisses me off and yet it's encouraged to the core. International Matches, IP(IL)L, Local/ Corporate matches, Gully Cricket and what not. Boy! Cricket seems to be making a lot of (fast populating) fans. If Cricket had a twitter account, then by Golly, Obama and Gaga together wont have as many followers. If cricket was a Play-Mate, then by Holy Golly, Hugh Hefner would have RISEN to his heavenly('hell'ly) abode. That is cricket and that's what it does to people / nations. I don't know what happens between the middle wickets at the Playboy Mansion, but I do know that Money buys Cricket and Patriotism doesn't buy!!



    NOTORIETY : 



     I know, the picture would have sufficed, but just in case you hadn't known, Cricket has caused man to become :

    1) Primal - Sreesanth (The above picture)

    2) Violent - Harbhajan Singh

    3) Naked - Saurav Ganguly
     

    4) Fat - Inzimam ul haq

    5) Anthropoid - Andrew Symonds

    6) Cry baby - Sreesanth 
     
             
    7) MAD - You guys
     


    FINAL WORDS :

    Now you've heard all the crap that occurs in Cricket and that it's far from patriotism if you start worshiping the cricketers the way you already are (They're worse than idols). Now, I've seen idiots bunking their most essential exams to get a glimpse of the matches, when they can be watching them later on highlights, or better still, record the whole thing on DVR's. Don't risk your future for the future of this demonic game, it's not worth it! Nor will it give you what you require (very unpredictable). I've witnessed illiterates committing suicide watching their stars lose, when they should be wasting their lives on better things (to those who are ready to do some self immolation, all you'll be getting is immolation in hell because no-one's gonna remember you, even if they do, it's gonna be for mockery). Get out of your stupid dreams of Cricket, get a job, get a wife, get a life and start your strife (didn't intend to make it rhyme). Join the gang of "Crickeithists" and live the life you wanted to because, Cricket is neither everything, nor YOUR THING!!


    PS: If you thought now is the part where I say April Fools and this was all a joke, then "April Fools", you've been fooled into thinking that!!