Friday, April 8, 2011

10 Things Women CAN'T Do!!

Sue me, I'm Sexist. But if by any chance and by Chance, I mean 49.5% , You're a woman reading this, Do not be furious, Please don't let your Sense of Honor inhibit your Sense of Humor. To be honest, I believe that women have more sense of humor, Or atleast after this post, I'll be hoping that (gulp) !!

So here's the Lo-Down on the Ten Things Women Can't Do, If you have any disputes over the below statements, I suggest you clear them under the URAnus Jurisdiction!!


1) Follow A Bachelor's Way Of Life :

A very odd phase in the life-cycle of a man, the average bachelor is said to have saved more than 180 hours of Ironing, 80 hours of combing, 65 hours on flossing, 350 hours of putting out the trash and tidying their rooms. This kind of time saved can be essentially used in doing more important things in life, like Sleeping, Gaming, Movies, Snacking and Recording Live TV. A woman can never understand the bachelor's way of life and so it's on our list. If you find a woman doing any of the above, then be sure to know that you might be PUNK'D !!

2) Quit Their Yapping :

This truth has been passed down to us Men, for centuries, now. No man can deny it and no woman can eschew it. The jaw muscles, it is proven, is the only muscle after the heart, that can function continuously without getting fatigued. Due to women however, this ability becomes a curse because the more a woman yaps, the more fatigued a man gets. The infamy of a woman for being prolix in maddening conversations (two sides or even one side conversations) can be verified by Phone Service Providers, the statistics don't lie!!

Hear me out : A woman who used to talk hours together on the phone, one day received a call. She spoke for a little more than half an hour and then cut the call. When her husband mockingly asked her why she didn't speak as much as she used to, If this was not on my list, then the list would have stayed incomplete because, the woman replied, "It was the wrong number."

3) Live Without Mirrors :

A woman's best friend may be the diamond, but practically that's bullshit.

Have you ever spotted a woman who never/seldom looks into the mirrors?! That would be an impossibility. The bond between mirrors and Women have a very ancient history. Earlier we used to notice that women would never leave home without first spending hours before the mirror, that they were thought to spend more time before the mirror than they would before their husbands. These days, with the innovations of pocket mirrors and other such latest technologies, Women take their reflection with them and can look at themselves a lot more than they used to. When I mentioned Latest Technology, I forgot to include the most important one, The front side cameras in cell-phones. I have a very good feeling, this innovation was created by a Woman, as you know "Beauty is the Mother of Invention". I don't want to create an uproar or a downpour, but this does reveal a teensy tiny hint of what the woman's mind has in mind (cough! cough! self-centered), This is with the exception of Mother Teresa, Or Is It ?!.

4) Resist Flattery :

We've tried it and so have many others. Our Research group include James Bond, Elvis Presley, Alex "Hitch" Hitchens, Edward Cullen and many others, so you can be sure that we can never be wrong. "Your Eyes are beautiful" never disappoints us. From moneypenny to the Amazonian Queen , From Marilyn Monroe (3 times) to Cleopatra (1000 times), Every single one of them have been presented with sweet (too sweet) words, Praises and Lies and have fallen for them, more than once ;-) I don't lie when I say this, but Women Can never resist flattery, and this often leads them to do things for their flatterers. I can't imagine the number of Illegal files have been approved, How many unfair bills have been sanctioned, how many diseases have been outsourced, All due to some women at the counter/desk being Flattered to comply. Never forget this!! And to all the women reading this, "Your eyes are too beautiful to be believing what you're reading ;-) "

Have Numbered Candles On Their B'Day Cake

'It's impolite to ask a women her age' is a common advice given to you by your elders. But to what extent can this be accepted as true? This is what we did to verify: 8 volunteers were made to ask 16 women, separately of course, their ages in the most wacky/innovative ways possible. After giving them 12 hours to do so, we interviewed the volunteers. The result being 7 out of the 8 were slapped on the face, twice. The only person to not receive two slaps (he got only one) was a wise-crack. It seems he asked the woman her age on the pretext of taking a survey of all the women OVER 30, who have broken up with their respective lovers. The woman snapped, "Over 30! I'm just 29 and we didn't break up we are just giving some time to our relationship" (to be noted, the woman was with another man during the "Giving some time" period). This reveals to us, two things about all women , 1) They hate to reveal their age and 2) They really hate being left alone (read: dumped). A note to all the Birthday Party hosts (for women), NEVER put up numbered candles on her cake. Instead, have some decorative ones, like that shaped like a piano, eyrie or even an egg. If you, by any chance, have already put up the forbidden burning wax candles, then you sure are up for some painful Waxing and Burning!!


Why do you think that most (almost all) of the the secretaries are women? Of course there's the 'Flirting without her knowledge' thing going on once in a while and there's even the 'Being able to boss her around' attitude that's also a notable point (The "Tony-Stark" effect) but, have you ever considered the point in a more professional sense. Women, when they get into something, it's difficult for them to get out. Their involvement in things is far greater than that of men. Men on the other hand, are easily distracted (EASILY!!). Give a women a simple job of filing some papers and you get everything neat and tidy, in order and easily accessible, the only drawback would be, that she would have spent the entire afternoon, skipping lunch, and making the thing perfect. I know it seems foolish but that's one part of a women's thinking that shouldn't be questioned, especially when you're a "Hitler-Boss-Willing-To-Kill-Employees-With-Work, Karosh-style" But don't forget there's also another side to women's diligence. If you've watched "Kill-Bill", you might've figured how perfectly they can also assassinate!!

7) Accept Ersatz Things :

Now I've already told you that women can't resist flattery and gifts, but when it comes to gifts, though they are Opportunistic, they're also scientific and Perfectionist in their mentality. They don't accept anything that's less than genuine. Let's start with the Jewellery, give her a pure diamond ring and make her happy for a day, Give her an imitation diamond ring and face hell's wrath for more than a year, your torture would be manifold for just a piece of rock. That's what brought Bill Clinton on his knees, that's what made Hillary take his place and that's the start of all domestic violence (those that are dominated by females of the species). That's the reason you are advised to please her only with words / emotional gifts, because a physical gift (that's not up-to her expectations) may gift you physical-handicap!!

8) Get Over It :

In every relationship women get into, there's never the question of perpetuity. There's always the phase called "Break Up". And it's the hardest for the emotionally stronger gender. It's also a noted fact that women can live without their BF's. No matter how many relationships they get into, they can't stop thinking about their Exes. That's right, they can't forget any of their exes. It seems the bond women have with men is quite strong when compared to that of men to women. This phenomenon is called Virago-negativity (no offence). Men on the other hand have a really poor mind as well as heart, ie.., They FORGET EVERYTHING so damn easily. Now, why can't women be that way. It's wishful thinking for them. BTW, This could be related to the fragile nature of women and if we can somehow get rid of such an attitude then it would be truly be freedom. And if they can't then they most definitely won't be able to stay in one relationship for long. Particularly because one heart can't feel for more than one person at one time!!
[No emphasis on the More than one Person point ;-) ]

9) Stop Spending :

This, no man can ever deny. I myself have witnessed this! The four letter word that brings about a special feeling in women is "S-A-L-E". They L-O-V-E it and nothing can stop them. No mater how miserly or moolah-wise some show themselves to be, Women just jump up when they hear of a sale. If you were a salesman, then you'd be the going to women first because they can't resist the opening of their purses and feeling the need of 'lightening' it. Psychologists (male) believe that this is in their nature to be generous and so they wish to do something for the malls etc., But Psychologist Tina Rogers (name changed, or rather made) believes that the shopaholic attitude is nothing to be afraid of and instead should be encouraged. She gleefully states "Women and shopping have a long history and men needn't be afraid. I'd encourage excessive shopping, So long as other women don't get in the way of MY shopping!!". So when we asked people of both genders why women shop, 'Is it a stress buster, an escape from family or just plain necessity?'; and they answered with an emphatic "NO !!". We may boast of great scientific achievements, but a woman's mind is still unreached!!

10) Have The Sportsman's Spirit :

Of course only a MAN can have a sportsMAN's spirit but, leave alone literally, even figuratively that can't be applicable. This, I'm guaranteeing you've noticed a hundred times already. Why then do we men lose to women on purpose :P Why then do we let them, and encourage them to do things we do and secretly assist them? I'm neither implying that women CAN'T do things, not that men ALWAYS assist them in things. But instead with a, sportive heart, I'm saying that men just can't let women face disappointment. When a women is disappointed or facing Loss (non-financial/competition), then it's difficult for them to accept it and cope with it. Even if they are forced to accept the fact, they don't take it well, there's always the :'-( on their faces. Take this post for example, I'm willing to bet that there WILL be disapproval and detesting going on (after reading this, women would be willing to approve, just for winning the bet. Pathetic!). Blonde jokes, for one, is never understood by blondes (how dumb!), Soap-Operas flood with women, ready to shed gallons of artificial tears to beat their opponents, England's Queens refuse to sportively give their crowns to their own children (Especially as competent as Charles :-p ). Whatever the case, you don't see women accepting defeat as much as they accept their age [Applause!]

Now with this post I do not intend to separate women and men, they do have similarities. This post was not made to mean any disrespect for women or even hurt them in anyway, but, for good plain Fun and is applicable mostly to the younger generation, because as women grow in age, the uncertainty in studying them also grows . So a little message to women all around, ' Be laconic while resisting flattery, Accept defeat with age, Stop spending on mirrors and accept whatever you're presented with, even from a bachelor's closet also Learn to say "NO" to a relationship gone downhill and party harder' but most importantly having read all the flattery in the last paragraph, forget all about your enragement at this post ^_^