Sunday, April 10, 2011

Deception : How It should End

Let me start off by saying that this post, more like a story, is not a spoof of the famous movie Inception. Infact this very story, which you are about to read was stolen from us by the famous director duo of Coen brothers. We are still trying to ascertain how it ended up in Nolan's hands. Anyway, what you saw on screen was a spoof of this 'D-mail' original. So this is the real deal :

Twas' the year 2009 A.D in the 2nd Millennium. In the city of Atlantis there lived a very rich merchant who made butt loads of money selling wonder drugs; Cocaine, Poppy, Opium et al. The man was none other than Maurice. I am still at my wit's end as to how the parents could not pick an infinitesimally more-suitable name for a BOY. So, this self-maid man (He never hired butlers etc..) had a pet dog. The man suffered from some kind of 'Soon to be Discovered' fatal disease. Now, like in all forms of business, Maurice too had some competition. This competition consisted of a single candidate. This guy went around using the name, "Saitolama." He was some kind of Japanese dude, with some latest technology in this field. Nonetheless, Both Maurice and Saitolama had their share of differences.

Saitolama through his inside ears learnt of Maurice's condition and went to offer truce. Maurice, being educated on a Pirate island only understood the word Parley - meaning negotiation. In this hectic commotion of thought he misunderstood the word 'Truce' for the word 'Bruce'. As is with straight guys when they're 'accused' of homosexuality Maurice got enraged. He killed the messenger, in this case a rat with an overdose of Opium and Poppy. Saitolama took this as a sign of war, I mean who freaking wouldn't, except maybe Gandhi's father. It all began with this incident.

Again the spies of Saitolama were put to work. He came to know Maurice was impotent and hence had spread this NEWS to various sources who in turn passed it onto the NEWSPAPERS and the like. The Next day's edition of the, D-D (Drug Daily) read, "One of the most Important drug dealers is also the most impotent!" This was all out war which would eventually affect one and one only. From the same sources Saitolama also learnt that once Maurice is dead all his wealth would be transferred into a trust fund in the name of Maurice's dog, Farttub. Now if at all, Saitolama wanted complete and absolute control over the drug cartel he would have to convince the Dog to change his mind (I know what your thinking, What the....****...!!). Yes that is correct. If at all he had to exercise all his power and affluence it was now. His only goal, Convince the Dog to change the mind of it's master just enough to stall the completion of the will until the death of Maurice. Now when that happened Saitolama had elaborate plans to take over, forcibly, Maurice's Dog for purposes only known to him (Cough-cough) making him the world's most famous and largest of drug dealer. (Wait a min, doesn't he have to take over the Drug Mafia too.)

Saitolama got his head and hand around this plan and began assembling his team of Deceptionists. This world renowned team was and is still described in international media as the 'Z-team', 'The Expandables', 'Precipitators' a la 'A-team', The Expendables', 'Transporter'. But these guys were and still are considered the Daddy of these mercenaries. The team consisted of;

  • Cobbler - The Leader - He gets this name 'Cobbler' because he used to 'Mend' souls and then used to beat the shit of the guy's wife shouting, "Whose your daddy now..!?!". I bet that phrase would have worked elsewhere, but certainly not here.
  • Assthorough - He specializes in details, hence the name. From the age of 5 he would/could look at a person's ass and tell waist size. I still can't figure out what's so special in that. Also, he was the 'Second-in-Command' in most situations and 'First-in-Command' when the job concerned women. 
  • Semiaridane - Legend has it that she survived in a Semi arid desert. Now whatever in the world that might be. In my lifetime as a world famous writer I have never come across a freaking Semi arid desert. Anyway, so that's the etymology of her name. Her job is that she's an Intern at the Institute of Veterinarian Sciences. She is known to have used upto 6 bottles of fairness creams. Thus she is the Lantern.
  • Thames - He's one of the world's few 'Forgetters'. Now you might have never heard of such a thing because they are 'Forgetters'. You see his job portfolio is mainly on the art of making people or infact and moving and breathing object forget things at his will and wish. I have personally asked favors of him. He made my Girlfriend forget that I forgot her birthmillennium or was it birth... let it be I can't remember. o_O 
  • Loosestuff - A result of Dalton, the Chemist mixing his 'stuff' with a female monkey's "Who-ha". This wonder kid is infamous for his wonder drugs known to induce anything under the sun, from sleep to orgasms. Now that's what I look for in a great chemist. He is often regarded as one of the worst exponents of the subject and the best in some cases. Also, he was awarded, "The World's most friendly Chemist" by the Gynecologists Association of America for obvious reasons.
Well as of this hour I have only written till here. I will continue this story in Part 2 of this story. In other NEWS, I heard Charlie Sheen is in New York this week. 'Goodluck finding a hooker, New Yorkers'. Also, I heard one of Rebecca Black's songs. 'Loosestuff' had to mix some kind of chemical, so I could forget and move on from the Trauma that had been caused. Also, It seems Rajnikanth had gone to Japan to celebrate India's world Cup win. He was learning to surf. He perfected it riding the Tsunami wave.

Wokay then, I need to go wish my Dog happy Birthday. It is the only thing willing to talk to me after that Lie On Me post, now that all of the tricks that I used on them are in public domain. I had certainly not seen this coming. All hail Muammar Gaddafi..!!