Naughtyfications

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Thursday, April 14, 2011

GM + Global Menace + Gory Mutation = Genetic Modification

 




The year has seen a lot of development, especially in the global economic structure. It's said that with more money, Man tends to become crazy and that's exactly why GM or Genetic Modifications came to be. Animals and plants which have been living pure lives have been desecrated and defiled by the human touch. The result being, new creatures, beyond Mother Nature's wildest imagination. Creativity, Innovation and Pure Evil can only react together in a semi solid container, surrounded by a calcium cap and maintained at a constant temperature of 37º F, unfortunately these requirements can be fulfilled only in the Human brain (Of all the places in the Universe!). And this results in Astronomical Devastation, Oh! The enormity!!

What actually made me put up with this post was the 'Manufacture' of Chinese cows which produce "Human" milk. Now I'm not a fan of milk, nor cows, not even Chinese (To hell with them) but I do care about (& despise) the very fact, that such an idea came to be and that too in a Chinese mind. Of all the people who populate at god-speed, Of all the people who care enough about children to kill them with lead polluted toys, Of all the "One-Child-Per-Family-Otherwise-You're-Fired" rule makers and breakers, THE CHINESE??!! Now the content of sarcasm in this para beats the Chinese Lead. And the  point is made, No good will ever come out of the idea of milking such cows.
A message to the Chinese Scientists who have created such monsters, "Maa Ka Doodh Peeya Hai, Toh Samne Aa!!"


Let's Look at the future of GM, the ideas that could change mankind. We @ The D-Mail aspire to go a mile longer and have come up with Wacky ideas for those who love to experiment. If you want to be a future geneticist, then take note of our innovations, who knows, You may get promoted!!



Boneless Chicken


KFC, McD and many others may definitely cause this nightmare to come true. This type of chicken will not be born bones. And instead will have soft, chewy cartilage and ligaments to hold it's structure. The creature has many advantages as well as disadvantages. If we look on the bright side, they won't suffer any bone-fractures! These birds won't be feeding on unclean, dirty and disgusting worms/insects/grains. But they will have a liking only for "Garam Masala" and occasionally some bread (Of the finest flour). The most important thing about this creature is that by Day65 they grow to their full size and can just be lifted and dunked into the Pan. That's right, No need of any additional spices and curry, everything is already provided in it's stomach. You've seen how wonderful this creature can be and how profitable it is to have one of them, now time for the disadvantage, Due to it's delicate structure and soft tissue, they won't be able to copulate. This inability may lead to Performance-Anxiety in these creatures and may give way to suicide. But don't worry, our solution to this problem would be NOT to provide the creature with a brain (We don't know how far this idea may be valid but...err... It's the thought that counts).



All-Round Glutton Cattle


It's the shape that matters! Cattle which come in different sizes and ages don't always get the honor of slaughterhouses, there needs to be certain standards. Whereas  Round Cattle have more than many reasons to get in there. Firstly, They're ROUND, which means, it's easier to catch them, easier to slice them (We don't need birthday cakes anymore), If you're veg then you'll be surprised what this can do for you! And it's all the more easier to pack them. The second most important thing would be that they Over-Eat, which MEANs, more for all. It would end the World's Malnutrition. WHO (W-H-O.) cares about it and we need to help them in some way or the other and so We've (D'N'A) thought this out. These cows, Oxen and Buffaloes have nothing more to do than eat, eat and eat some more, they literally eat till they're round. The problem with them arises when you try to ride them, In that can, the experience would be flattering!
  

P-Pod 



"Damn Noisy birds!", how many times have you heard that? If you have, then this definitely should be on your Christmas shopping list. So what makes this Parrot any different than the one's already present? Only the greatest form of Genetic Modification. They have an ability to imitate sounds as they are heard, Not surprised? then you will be: These birds come in different Memory capacities. From 2GB to 2TB, they can store more than 10 million songs and sound clips and can be controlled by their tail feathers, each of the 12 tail feathers hold a special function and have long life (12 Years), Rechargeable every 12 hours (Recommended 5 crackers) and are insured against Cat damage. If you thought that's all, then let me tell you, The P-POD comes with it's own speaker system and a special USB/Earphone Slot. The best part is that it comes in the widest range of colours and sizes in the world! If this doesn't beat the I-POD, then what will !! 


PS : Please DO NOT confuse the Lower Slot for the USB/ Earphone Slot. The Lower slot is not for human use. Touching/Plugging this slot would violate our user Agreement and Void the Warranty/Insurance provided. We will also press charges against you under the "Animal/Bird Abuse Act 2012" !!



SUGARFREE-CANE


Diabetes, the silent killer has already invaded the Old of our species, now it's planning on getting the younger ones too. Unless we take action. Human Gluttony, Greed and Sweet teeth have caused a steep rise in the occurrence of ailments like diabetes, Sugar, Insulin deficiency etc and keeping that very matter in mind, we've thought of this new variety of vegetation called the Sugarfree-Cane. Yes, It is sweet and No, not a trace of sugar it contains. Which means that it can be used to produce sugarfree-crystals, Sugarfree-Jaggery, Sugarfree-Baggase and what not! This will be the onset of the "Colorless Revolution", and there will be no more Diabetes. If someone creates them, then don't forget to nominate me for the Nobel Prize, or atleast the IgNobel prize. The main problem that would occur after the production of these canes is that you will be affected by the side-effects of the sugar substitute you use (Sucralose), which unfortunately include  bloating, diarrhea, gas. If you are fortunate enough to find a solution to this diminutive obstruction then, I'll gladly accept the Nobel / IgNobel Prizes!!



Bonsai Zoo


Now I know this idea's taken from the Spy Kids movie but let me tell you, this is quite a possibility. The name Bonsai has been chosen keeping in mind the way plants are grown considerably small when compared to others of their species. I know we don't have any roots or leaves to nip when it comes to animals but we sure do have another thing we can nip (control) and that would be HORMONES. No, I do not only imply towards only the Growth Hormones but also towards the others, such as Serotonin,Thyroxine, Dopamin,  Estrogen and others. These can make the animals grow into miniature forms of their forest-dwelling species. Imagine having such creatures in every backyard. Imagine the magnitude of research we can do through them, the experiments, both humane and inhumane can be done on them without the governments' knowing. The amount of genetic mutation to create the creatures in the list above, produce the vaccines, serum and cures to many diseases. And by my brilliant mind, I've even thought of this : We can save the information stored in the genes of these creatures and other creatures we can miniaturize (like the Viruses, Parasites, Pests etc.) and then pass them onto their normal counterparts and make them and their offspring too small to cause any harm to humans. That would be the day, HIV and diseases would breath their last!! We could make HIV so small that they'll have to escape from charging electrons and pay for what they did to us, BWAHAHAHAHA!![cough cough I think I went overboard there but for a good cause ;-) ] The problem of this innovation like every other's would be if this technology went into the wrong hands. If Hitler had had this, then he would have had Jews' Juice for breakfast, If Osama had it, then Bush would been UNDER the SHOE! If I had it, then.....then you would not be having it!!



Velcro Flies 

I know, by now, you might be knowing what Velcro is. Now flies are the most annoying pests in any house. Those vicious creatures buzz all around, touch everything that's edible and not and then they come and pester you when you're doing something important. But what we thought about is a new breed of flies which have an outer covering or skin made of an adhesive substance. This adhesive sticks to every material known to man, except water, which neutralizes its effect, but drowns the creature (Whatta Genius!!). So even while mating, they'll stay attached to each other for GOOD (I don't have to be explicit)! No more annoying flies in your nose, no more mistakenly swallowing flies, no more disgusting feelings, but most importantly there's never going to be another "Waiter, There's a fly in my soup!" ever again. Bon Appétit!



TRUE TO THEIR NAME - PLANTS


Now, this seems like a really difficult thing to do. But, hey! What's the future and all the black money for?! The definition of "Exotic" would be redefined. People would no longer wonder why the shoe-flower or money plant were named so. Because the future would have real shoes and money on them, The liver wort will have transplantable human livers, The 'touch-me-not's would have a perfect motion sensing alarm which would be helpful to safeguard homes. The lady's Finger would be practice for the flirtatious. The donor's would be replaced by Blood-berries. Boxers will be high on the Gutweed. Spiritual-Life would be much better having Morning Glories. Your feelings can be shared with the Weeping Fig. The future of plants would be completely changed. This is genetic mutation, this is Gory Mutation and most definitely may prove to be a Global Menace. And you were thinking "Human Milk" Cows were weird!!

These were original D-Mail ideas and I'm sure they're gonna be stolen any time soon. But just remember that Genetic Modification has no end. There's always something new to create. I envisage a GM Revolution in the future, where the world will become, once again a colorful place, without Humanity!!