Naughtyfications

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Monday, May 23, 2011

From Ships to Beans....



Welcome aboard the newest ship S.S. Ann-Oye. The cruiser meant to Ann-oye anyone willing enough to board it. I'm the captain, Cpt. Jack's Marrow. What we have today on The D-Mail is a whole lot of fun to all those ready for it but remember, DO NOT try to make sense out of the following post, if you absolutely need to, Have two dozen aspirin flavoured paracetamols ready!!

People these days don't try out ships as much as planes and trains, reason: Titanic. Damn ass-olds!Did you know that the average ice-berg actually consist of meteors and alien DNA? I didn't know that, on account of, I just made that up. Why do you think this kind of posts still exists in our Blog, "The D-Mail". The answer would be, YOU!! With your pea-sized brains and your pint-sized eyes and your awfully 'all thumbed' hands, you people never give us feedback. Here we are working our asses out and making perfect every post (Read: Try. While you're looking up the dictionary, also Read: Homo-cide {can you? I don't think so, because such perfectly composed new words can only be found in The D-Mail}) and you people take pleasure from the posts but choose to ignore our feelings. We are people too, of course, we boast of not being humans and not being constrained by laws and rules, but we sure do have feelings. And my feelings tell me to quit The D-Mail, but still I continue, for all those who still view it, for I am a true humanitarian ( just like Vegetarian, Non-vegetarian; Humanitarian, on the same lines). Speaking of humanitarians, It was really unfair for Osama and, treacherous on the part of Obama. After all he did for the world, after being the only person who could stand up to bUSh and keep him straight and active all-term-long. A final salute to his deadlideadness, Mr. Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden. R.I.P (Rest in Pieces)!


If my informant can be believed, USA is losing it's super power status and the real power is being shifted to the Caribbean, Reason: A certain drunken loopy-loony pirate, my nemesis, who has actually found the Fountain of the Wine of Sobriety (WTH)! My informant can never be right, possibly, because his surname is Depp (meaning: maladroit). BTW, I've been playing the wonderful game Project: I'm Going In (PIGI) and for the past eight rounds of ammo have been admiring the perfectness of the game. I mean to say that, where ever you shoot, you get the appropriate reaction and response of the pain. And as I said, 8 rounds of bullets and the bots' couldn't get their hands off their crotches, not that they have anything REAL around. But the sound effects and the way they kneel and die is truly inspirational, instead of making me a "TOP NOTCH SNIPER" its turning me into a "BOTTOM CROTCH BANGER" (no offence).



"I'm coming close to the end about now" said the ugly-old-bat-hitting Mr. Bean and I'm going to quote him, or rather I already did. I've been despired (opposite of inspired) by the above character for a long time. He's one hell of a buffoon. If you don't agree with me here, then the next senselessly long statement will make you agree with me, 'Mr. Bean is a lonesome loon who lives with his teddy in a land where banging the queen (with the head on the head; 'headbutt'ing is more deceptive ) and 'being immune to electric discharge in such an unusual way that all TV's and Electric devices go gaga over him' is considered quite normal and common; We have a whole lot of stale oyesters ready to be mixed with ENO in the tummy and a BLONDE lady obsessed with him in such a way that she confuses him to be normal enough to give out mixed signals that she wants a diamond ring, pointing at a PICTURE of it, while Mr. Bean is not confused but convinced that a lady of her stature and material would require that very PICTURE, of all the jewellery in the JEWELLERY store for Christmas.'




Ladies-fingers and Gen*talmen (oops), lets make it clear that the above long sentence is a grammatically correct sentence. If you think not then you'd know that "Wren & Martin" are crying out from their graves in vain. I am never Rong ( may be Wrung but never wrong). BTW, If you want to know more about english, then might I suggest, the previous 'Stochastic Envisages' post will do!! This is 'D' taking his leave, after a seriously large dose of Heroine (See I'm so High that I mispell and add Vovules *hick* I mean Vowels, where they don't belong).



Hugs and Kisses (For Females Only): ***...


Monday, May 16, 2011

The Vigilante : Legend of a Shag-gy Dog


New York 2011, midnight, Two dark strangers meet together to deal with their arch-enemy, they plan of hideous veggies and slushies. They want out of all the oppression and double crossing (colloquial). As they plan out in the dark confines of an old abandoned barnyard. One of them lights a cigar, as the ashes dropped to the ground with a little bit of spark still in them, their argument gets heated, CRASHES a figure through the already broken window and slips behind some barrels, tripping a few. "Caine? Here? Damn you", says one of the thugs and reaches for his gun. Before you know it, Caine with his shaggy built pounces at him and pummels him SMACK! CKUF! till he bleeds. The other villain of this story takes his Cutlass (Cut-Lass, lol) and waves it, either scarily or scared. SLIT! and few drops of scarlet Diabetic blood drips. The man hurls the hero towards the door and there he lies in excruciating pain (Caine in Pain, ha). By this time the gasoline from the dropped barrels has flowed towards the sparks and SSA!, flames are conceived and evolves due to two fuel sources (liquid and gas). An explosion thrusts our hero towards the open, outside the barn, Safe, or atleast safer than the other two who probably have vaporised. "Well that teaches those Ogres to deal with an Enemisfortuner" says Caine........

Enemisfortuner ( or rather Enemisfortunia)?? That's the only special ability this Super hero possesses. Though this only ability would be dishonour to his logical and computing mind. 'Enemisfortunia' is the supposed special ability of causing bad luck to your opponents. Quite a fruitcake this hero is. And would you believe me if I told you he is a dog? He is! a Shaggy Dog indeed! Let me give you the history of this mangy mutt.


(Drum Roll) FLASH BACK (Drum Roll) 


His birth, though is unspecified (of course it happened :P), Caine was brought up in a pet store with 5 other cuter, smarter and more attractive competing bitchy dogs. He was given a very unique and unorthodox name for a dog, 'TOMMY'. One day, it so happened that a bitch-like-witch-like-woman came to the store looking for a dog to experiment on  ( possibly bewitch). She didn't care for cuteness and so she put her hand forward to lift Tommy, the others couldn't accept rejection, they pushed away Tommy. But the Witch was adamant, She caught hold of Tommy and as she was lifting him, Tommy was annoyed and bit her finger. Her ring (along with the digitus me´dius or middle finger) slipped and slid through Tommy's throat. Now this witch who could no longer express her non-violent anguish at the society, raised her other fingers to cast a spell. A few feet away, the care taker who was taking care of the supposed pet Python, slipped on a banana-slug (eww!) and shattered the glass. 10 SECONDS and The python was stuffed (7 bodies full). It so happened that by the time the python had swallowed Tommy's competitors, he was full and Tommy's body was spared.


Tommy lived through the streets, eating rich food falling from shopaholic and chocaholic victims to his jinxed ring (technically victims to lawless NYPD drivers) and drinking ale straight from collapsed owners (lawless NYPD drivers). During his loafing and travelling a few years later, In Massachusetts, an old Woman living near the MIT building, who was walking by, fell into a Manhole (Irony!) and was never found again. And so it happened that Tommy found a new place to stay, the oldie's. MIT students who visited the place realised that the dog was not normal, It was not only cute-enough but also solved math sums. One of The students was Ill-Will Hunting, a really lazy and shrewd lad, who gave Tommy all his home work and teased him. Though in later times, we see Mr.Hunting affected by Cerebral Palsy due to a paper cut at a sensitive area, the other students befriended Tommy. They called him  'Eniac', for his ability to compute or rather Super-Compute. Eniac lived a very happy Kingly Play-dog life, alone at the mansion and now with multi-species friends.


As he was travelling through the unlucky gullies, a group of cruel scientific minds kidnapped him and kept him at their research centre, a place where cruel things happen to innocent creatures. A place where Winnie the pooh (pooh = faeces :P) was restricted honey, where Babe is not a shepherd-pig but shepherd-ham, where Garfield is cryogenically frozen and awoken only on Mondays. The worst of the worst, and further worst, Eniac was made to do Gymnastics and Yoga, and not Math (Oh The agony!). He did however learn the Old-Dog Tricks like Jump, Roll-Over and Play dead:

Jump - At Heart Patients and pregnant Pedestrians
Roll-Over - Stray animals adding to road kill or 'test subjects'
Play Dead - While the inquisitive people are pick-pocketed

Of course, the potty training took time, since there weren't many flushes attached to doors and windows. His other talents were misused by the scientific minds. Like, his super computer brain was used to calculate the angle and distance travelled by a potentially dangerously smelly Yellow Water balloon, the surface of a house to be 'TP'ed (Toilet papered) and his enemisfortunia was used against Attention seekers in the form of manholes.



Eniac was not disheartened by any of this, As he was made to do the unspeakable yogic posture, Smoochasana, something unspeakable happened, A banana-slug (eww!) from outside fell on Bugs Bunny's Broccoli (Call PETA!) and he puked straight on Pooh's head who's clumsy ass fell on Babe's Roasted Ribs which disrupted Garfield's freezing contraption and Garfield defrosted and awoke giving out a yawn of relief. All the animals were bewildered and they smashed their way out of Captivity, Even our hero, Eniac. That was the day he swore vengeance on all the thugs who spread evil, To avenge all the banana-slugs that have been eww-ed, To murder and mug all murderers and muggers. That's the day a Vigilante was born, a dog who was now experienced in Closed-Combat and trained in embarrassing PDAs. The Yogic ASSana's would definitely come in handy, so will the special magical smelly ring that has been working offstage, in the bowels of a new Owner. This Vigilante named himself CAINE, reverse of ENIAC.


(Drum Roll) FLASH FRONT (Drum Roll)


That brings us back to the continuation of our initial para. The two dark strangers in question were the partly digested (PET STORE) Owner and a partly Paralysed Ill-Will Hunting. Sadly Neither of them survived the blast, however cops did find a little piece of roasted Babe. And so we have a safe and indestructible Shag-gy dog who's success rate is more than that of Hugh Hefner's getting laid (to rest) ! A hero everyone can look down upon. A disgrace to the canine society but a hope for all mankind. It's like Caine's imaginary pet Andamani used to say "With great Chance comes great Productivity". And so Caine lived happily ever after, having had his revenge and procreated enough strays which have unreasonable vengeances of their own against the society (Read: Year 2012).

To all those seeking morals and Family Values, I suggest you read something else, like "ImPERVious". But as for this moral-lessly diabolically meaninglessly insane story,


 That's All Blokes!!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

HEADLINES TOMORROW

What's up with this world? Has it all gone filmy? The D-Mail just can't stop, but predict the happenings using their super Human Angelo-Demonic fortune cookies. so sit back and get a taste of your newspaper of tomorrow, today!





 

 






 

Saturday, May 7, 2011

ULT(r)A SWAMI

Do Others, As You Would Have Others Do You!

 
"   "Oh Experienced one, What is thy secret of Success?"
An innocent passer begs the Great Immor(t)al Root
"What is success but a fruit of mutual effort", replied he
An instant follower was born that second, an instant fruit!

Simplicity in him, brought him so far.
That even Gandhi couldn't but acknowledge,
Complexity of his statements bought many an ear
And caused many a mouth, experience thy Outage!


As thee ages, More art thou like a fiddle
whose ASSets are worth more than the Economy,
His Highness shares to all, but only in riddle
Praise the master of ANAL-ogy et Anatomy


As a tramp went, to the Dark Land of China,
Walked the long way, to people's impotent hearts
As a King he returned back, Thou experiences shared
Now begins the Land's productivity, now the population starts!


"Work and Play have no meaning isolated", he lectured,
"The Work is Play when you enjoy IT at ease,
But if play is work and you can't aim lower,
I'll do it for you, and even take the fees" !


Totally Convinced 'D' himself asked His Excellent Potency,
"Explain, Oh Great One, the Ultimate meaning of Life"
- My child, YOU are but imperfect wanderers,
 The Day calls for Work and play, but it is night that calls for strife !!


Like harp, Like lyre his words, the heart burns
Through these scars and sears, after all we learn
The inner demons and angels are set free to pleasure
For his principles are of Gain, and not to painfully Yearn! "