Friday, September 26, 2014

Tying the Knot, or Noose?

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Well that explains why India is full of Philosophy. Speaking of full, half of the Indians are below the age of 25. And if the figures are right, there will be approximately 313million marriages within the half-decade, assuming that every Indian parent is strictly speaking, Indian.  It’s nothing less than an endemic. Taking 125 million victims every year, it’s clearly far worse than HIV, Cancer or Global Warming combined!

Marriage for a man is losing his Bachelor's degree and to a woman, getting a Master's. The only thing is that both get equal marks and a combined degree in B.ed. Well, the riskiness is much more than Russian roulette. There's a 50 percent chance of fights and a 100% chance of the man losing. 3/4th of the population are married and the rest are successful. The statistics never lie. The scholars can never be more wrong, Desire isn't the root cause of all Misery. Marriage is!

Polygamy in marriages are a rarity these days, however, these days Feminist groups, I fear, may start chanting slogans like  "Why should boys have all the fun", forcing governments to start legalizing Polyandry too. Soon, there will be multiple husbands to multiple wives. And before you know it, Nokia's vision will be fulfilled. People will be connected, indeed.

Indians are born for betrothal, just like sacrificial lambs. Sometimes, though, the in-laws turn out to be out-laws. The Dowry system of course! Men are less expensive in the modern age than they used to be. Back then, a standard fresh-in-the-market bloke could be bartered for at least one Ambassador car and a few thousand bucks. Nowadays, due to recession, we'd be lucky to get an Ambassador's photo. But the logic can’t be that simple, definitely not in the motherland of Arya Bhatta and Ramanujan. The math  goes this way...

Let A= family, B= boy, G= girl, D= dowry

The GA gives D to the BA, now that the BA has D, BA becomes BAD. The rest is GADBAD...

Well, I have witnessed several weddings, and being an avid member of the SMS (Single Mingle Society), I had the privilege of saving countless lives from Eternal Damnation or, at least 30+ years. Apart from untying the chained animals, I have drawn out the blue-print of this bloody-red institution. It's really simple. You'll get the hang of what a marriage is, if you do it only once.

This Censored Documentary goes like this:

It all starts with a baby girl being bornbrought into the house by a stork. The first smile is the Dad’s, for he’s the only one who's neither in pain nor in uniform. The smile soon fades away into a train of thoughts. He immediately visualizes the baby in the wedding attire, but then reality strikes him, she's too little, even for half quarter sarees. He thwarts the idea, "Perhaps, Later!"

At the tender age of 3, the girl asks him, "Dad, why do boys have all the fun?" He gently puts her in her prisoncrib and once again visualizes her walking around the fire. And then it hits him, "She'll lose count of the seven steps".

Years go by, with the father being more and more overprotective until one day, his imaginary wedding ring fits his daughter's finger. Alas! An End to boyfriends, worries, late-returning-homes (by seconds). It's then that he starts seeking the perfect groom for his daughter. The conditions are too many to jot down, so I'll have to shorten the list:

  • The Groom's Parents must be well-educated, wealthy, tall, dark and handsome.
If all of the above conditions are fulfilled, there's no waiting for the celebrations to begin, ofc there's the waiting for the auspicious moment, but it's only a minor thing, unless your birth planet is mars.

(Sorry, Marvin the Martian and J'onn J'onzz) 
NOTE: But marrying an inanimate object like your Smartphone or newspaper before the actual marriage will negate the effects of astrology and stupidity.

Our Nation didn’t achieve freedom until 1947, but even 67 years after Independence, I believe that we are still bound, still not free, from domestic violence, from blocked-websites, from population explosion. This National parasite named 'deathera marriagiasis' or Marriage, needs to be eradicated. Proper vaccines are to be given, and finally flower-girls and ring-bearers must be tranquilized. Stop this injustice. Start Living life!
                                                    Jai HIND!

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

How to Long Distance a Relationship

I never knew I'd be the one doing this! I mean seriously, you kids can't even handle a long distance relationship?! If you can't deal with a thing like that, what'll you do with the tougher parts of life, like choosing between The 'Endoplasmic Ectoplasms of Schrodinger's Cat' Thesis submission and updating your cover pic on fb. Well, the open secret is, Long distance relationships are way easier compared to its icky sticky counterpart. Think of it this way, it's honeymooning, but with less honey and more mooning!

For those of you who're fortunate enough to experience this, let me tell you, don't fret. Let 'D' give you the cues to cure the blues. That's right, this post is dedicated to Long Distance Love or the way my Grandpa calls it, 'Love at Hindsight'! Without further ado, here's five tips to Keep in mind when your bitter-half is out of town. I only speak from Experience, Marilyn Monroe and I get along quite well, despite my being here (Banana Republic) and her being down South (Way down ). Ok after that further ado about Marilyn, No more further Ados, The Top 5 are :-

5) Do What You Used To : 

The biggest problem that arises due to Long distance is the sense of freedom and we all know what that did to the US. So my first advice to you is to keep up the non-sense that was already happening. Fight with her over the TV remote over the phone, Force the FIFA WC down her throat and/or make him sob over the hourly soap-opera (Sobbing because he can't watch Disney Channel). Not just Television, keep the nostalgia at bay by telling him how it annoys you when he leaves the toilet seat up, even though you did that. Or Yell at her for misplacing your car-keys, a thousand miles away!

4) Attract Suspicion:

Most couples fret about not being in touch with each other. Not knowing what the he/she's doing in their spare time. And It's quite understandable to freakout when they suddenly break out the news of them changing their toiletpaper brand from "St(i/u)ck here"  to "Wi(p/f)e-out". Well I have the right solution to that, Start acting like you're hiding something, watch more of the desperate housewives but only when your wife's visiting! Make her doubt you. Only then will she start keeping a keen eye on you, or Hire one. That way you don't have to tell her anything, she'll already know. sixth sense? You betcha!!

3) Innovative Breakthrough Technologies :

We've already covered one in an earlier post . Have a WonderArm(#3) handy. It can really make a difference. Just Stick a pic of your betterhalf's head in the space provided, but make sure it's creepy enough. So that you won't start doing weird things.And then there's always Facebook, Skype and Whatsapp to keep you company while she's offline. Share Pics of your outings with Friends, Family, Boss, Her Ex, his Ex etc. In other words make her feel at Home, ofc while YOU aren't ;-)

2) Keep Communication lines open, When you're leaving home :

Trust me, When you love someone and they're far away, every conversation counts. Even the ones in which you're not present. That's precisely why you should get an answering machine. That way she can say anything she likes and yet know that you'll be there listening. NOTE: Make sure you set the "Automatically Delete After" interval to 1 hour or less. Lest you have to bear the torture. If you're one of the curious creeps who'd like to check out every message (if more than once, God save you!). Then let me give you a shortcut-mantra to know what to expect.

  • If the message starts with Honey/Baby/Love or the ilk, it means she's in the mood for a talkathon . In short, DELETE!
  • If the message begins with We need to talk/I have something to say, you're screwed. So DELETE!!
  • And when it starts off with How are you today?/Everything alright? It means he needs something, and you know what you have to do. DELETE!!!

1) When all of the above go Horribly wrong :

We have complete faith in all of the above. However there is a one-in-a-quattuordecillion chance that the above MAY not work out for you. In that special case, we suggest you follow our Guru and Mentor Baba Randi's advice, "Don't put all your eggs(chicks) in one basket." The language of course is quite parabolic so let me translate it in a way any Tard, Dick and Hairy can understand, by Name-calling! The Baba with his wise words said that 'When Negative Nacy and Moody Judy make Skype hell, get Whatsapping with Chatty Kathy!'

Well, that's all the advice I can give you at the moment. Also before I forget, to all the bad good-boys who've enjoyed their prom this year, Happy Father's Day in advance ;)

For more help with love, relationships and the other valuable crap in our lives, tune into The D-Mail!

Friday, May 2, 2014

What’s cooler THAN being ICE COLD?

It has always been our endeavour to answer random questions asked by celebrities that were also not actually questions. The quest for knowledge is enshrined in the DNA of the writer and this post is a manifestation of such idiosyncrasies and other difficult words. 

What’s cooler than being ice cold?”  Asked  Outkast, back in 2009.   
Off of the top of my head I can think of the following: 
  • How about a President who is rapper? (YES WE CAN Rap!)
  • A dictator who was a former supermodel? (PLEASE!)
  • Maybe a Prime Minister who was once a weed dealer (once a dealer, always a dealer)

Entertainers for long and porn stars more recently have been/are now a part of society's political intercourse. The music, cinema, art, crime and porn industry of a particular period of time has always drawn inspiration from the events of that time. The "Renaissance" for example  (A period in history when creativity and drug use/abuse/misuse were at an all-time high. Coincidence? I think not).

After some very thorough research on the internet I have come to certain conclusions.
1)    There is a lot of porn on the internet (A LOT!)
2)    Self help is in every corner (How to cavity search in under 10 mins)
       69)  There are some damaged people out there typing out “Sonia Gandhi hot” in the search bar.
       666) A lot of celebrities are now into politics.

Let’s examine “666”- After a lot of “staring at the ceiling + watching a mosquito streak across your mom’s bedroom,” also known as thinking, I have decided I wanted to examine what “kind” of a celebrity is ideal for Politics.
Here’s the lo-down:

  • The Musician: DO YA WANNA ROTI KAPDA MAKAAN or DO YA WANNA ROCK?” is a great way to begin your rallies. You could also write soothing lyrics to try & numb the pain of the woman in labor who has to walk 35 kms to get to a primary health care center. Or worse, you could start off your election rally with a song that has lot of screeching and heavy vocals which could make a few in the crowd go “Mata chhad gayi hai ise” 

ProTip: Never make objectionable statements like ‘Woman shouldn’t wear this or that ‘(If you don’t like them wearing something, tell them they look fat in it).
  •  The Magician: “AND NOW FOR MY LAST TRICK, WATCH ME DISAPPEAR AFTER ELECTION DAY” is a nice pitch to an electorate. They are already used to something similar. What works in your favor is that you could also siphon off a lot of public funds without anyone taking notice, cause “magic” you know. Hell! You could use your magic to bribe that opponent on one of those TV debates. I recommend that trick where you… *endless string of black-money start pouring out of my sleeve* 

ProTip: Always pull rabbits out your hat and opinions out of your ass.

  • The Porn-Star: “I HAVE SOMETHING OTHER THAN MONEY AND ALCOHOL TO GET YOU TO VOTE FOR ME!” will make the voters go “is he/she/it saying what I AM thinking?” Don’t tell em’, keep em' dirty minds guessing. And hey, listen, I bet every voter takes pride in the fact that they can shag off to your hoardings around the constituency.   

ProTip: Do not have anything resembling a stick as your symbol

  •  The Actor: “***INSERT A VERY FILMY DIALOGUE HERE***” You’re already experienced in fleecing the public at large when you first started acting in movies, with scripts your 4 year old nephew wrote. You know the ones that blew up the box office and made your MMS scandal worth the while. This is a REALLY huge advantage for you. Your thoughts on policy making, international affairs etc are of no use. 
       ProTip: Just remember who the country's important leaders are and what posts they hold unless you want to become the BHATT of all jokes. 
As we did mention, this is part of our SERIOUSNESS campaign, where we discuss topics that your grandfather is too ashamed to. And this is the serious-est it gets. If you wanted an ever more serious-er post. I seriously consider you seriously lighten up, I mean Seriously!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

LOST - Rewritten

The whole world is abuzz and curious to find out more about the Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. Every media source is on the job, sending their best journalists, Psychics and swimmers to the probable sites. What they don't know is that the plane crashed just on the outskirts of the Banana Republic, our home base. Now, after decades of keeping the spot a secret, secreter than the Bat-cave, which is still underground at 221B Boiler Street (Sorry Bats), we're under the moral and ethical dilemma. The question here is, should we announce the crash site of the plane and risk revealing our hide-out or should we keep calm and wait for our maid to sweep the debris under the carpet (Aladdin's a nice bequeather).

Well, while we brainstorm on that very essential third world problem, I suggest you read on to find out what might have happened to the MH370, That's right we don't know either. From what evidence we have at hand, we can only speculate. The so called black-box of the MH370 turned out to contain certain sounds which would require you to have adult supervision, for listening in. Let's just ignore that evidence and dive right into Why WE think the plane went 'astray'.

Well one of my double agents(conjoined twins) tell(s) me that the plane in question the MH370 was designed and manufactured in China by a company called "Grapple", which allegedly creates better iPhones than Apple, itself. My agent has also given me a detailed minority report of their revolutionary Stealth mode, in which the alleged plane allegedly shrinks in size to that of a bird or a bee. Unfortunately, a bat spotted it and forcefully made it join the Mile high club.

We can only make assumptions as to what actually happened. I for one, can't believe my double agents, After the recent whistle blowing by that Snowden guy, the NSA haven't been of much help to us. But Don't worry dear reader we have a more reliable source than any media house around, a four year old with a great imagination. Her name's Harriet the Sly. What little Harriet tells me is that not one but three Big-time companies are to blame, in sabotaging the flight: Facebook, Apple and Malay Call Center. 

Harriet's diary reads that the three occupants of the cockpit were conveniently distracted by the three companies in some way or the other. The Pilot of the Plane, was last seen updating his status using Siri. It read, "Luv D Weather, Trees swaying,  Birds flying, look! A pelican's greeting me. Hi little fello....", what happened next couldn't be recorded since the black box's flash memory was pulled out to play mp3s. Simultaneously, the Co-Pilot was reportedly HIGHly alert when an Apple employee jumped on him and threatened to sue him for using Curved Corners on the plane! The only one who was free on the plane was an Air-hostess who was bringing Coffee to the Cockpit. To the ill-luck of the Pilot and co-pilot she didn't know how to handle the situation and called the customer care number. Here's a detailed conversation between the Hostess and the CC.

CC: Welcome to Malaysian Airline Help desk, Dial "Satu" for Portuguese, For Japanese press "दो", and click  on "แปด" for Malay.

The Flight attendant could only say one word, which was universally understood by almost every language including the American Sign and the Australian Dingo viz., "F***!".


Well, It's too much to grasp, but I do have a simpler theory, assuming Harriet the Sly iSlying (You see what I did there), The Theory is two words long but can easily become widely acceptable: Apple Maps! The Airlines may have switched to using them as a cost-cutting increasing measure.

What happened next is known to y'all. They fell on our turf. It's now up to us to either shift our base or secretly push the plane to another country, It'll be either Iran or Somalia, we're gonna use an FB poll to decide. Keep tuning in. Ciao!

Guys, No offence. We don't intend on hurting any sentiments. Peace :)