Friday, May 2, 2014

What’s cooler THAN being ICE COLD?

It has always been our endeavour to answer random questions asked by celebrities that were also not actually questions. The quest for knowledge is enshrined in the DNA of the writer and this post is a manifestation of such idiosyncrasies and other difficult words. 

What’s cooler than being ice cold?”  Asked  Outkast, back in 2009.   
Off of the top of my head I can think of the following: 
  • How about a President who is rapper? (YES WE CAN Rap!)
  • A dictator who was a former supermodel? (PLEASE!)
  • Maybe a Prime Minister who was once a weed dealer (once a dealer, always a dealer)

Entertainers for long and porn stars more recently have been/are now a part of society's political intercourse. The music, cinema, art, crime and porn industry of a particular period of time has always drawn inspiration from the events of that time. The "Renaissance" for example  (A period in history when creativity and drug use/abuse/misuse were at an all-time high. Coincidence? I think not).

After some very thorough research on the internet I have come to certain conclusions.
1)    There is a lot of porn on the internet (A LOT!)
2)    Self help is in every corner (How to cavity search in under 10 mins)
       69)  There are some damaged people out there typing out “Sonia Gandhi hot” in the search bar.
       666) A lot of celebrities are now into politics.

Let’s examine “666”- After a lot of “staring at the ceiling + watching a mosquito streak across your mom’s bedroom,” also known as thinking, I have decided I wanted to examine what “kind” of a celebrity is ideal for Politics.
Here’s the lo-down:

  • The Musician: DO YA WANNA ROTI KAPDA MAKAAN or DO YA WANNA ROCK?” is a great way to begin your rallies. You could also write soothing lyrics to try & numb the pain of the woman in labor who has to walk 35 kms to get to a primary health care center. Or worse, you could start off your election rally with a song that has lot of screeching and heavy vocals which could make a few in the crowd go “Mata chhad gayi hai ise” 

ProTip: Never make objectionable statements like ‘Woman shouldn’t wear this or that ‘(If you don’t like them wearing something, tell them they look fat in it).
  •  The Magician: “AND NOW FOR MY LAST TRICK, WATCH ME DISAPPEAR AFTER ELECTION DAY” is a nice pitch to an electorate. They are already used to something similar. What works in your favor is that you could also siphon off a lot of public funds without anyone taking notice, cause “magic” you know. Hell! You could use your magic to bribe that opponent on one of those TV debates. I recommend that trick where you… *endless string of black-money start pouring out of my sleeve* 

ProTip: Always pull rabbits out your hat and opinions out of your ass.

  • The Porn-Star: “I HAVE SOMETHING OTHER THAN MONEY AND ALCOHOL TO GET YOU TO VOTE FOR ME!” will make the voters go “is he/she/it saying what I AM thinking?” Don’t tell em’, keep em' dirty minds guessing. And hey, listen, I bet every voter takes pride in the fact that they can shag off to your hoardings around the constituency.   

ProTip: Do not have anything resembling a stick as your symbol

  •  The Actor: “***INSERT A VERY FILMY DIALOGUE HERE***” You’re already experienced in fleecing the public at large when you first started acting in movies, with scripts your 4 year old nephew wrote. You know the ones that blew up the box office and made your MMS scandal worth the while. This is a REALLY huge advantage for you. Your thoughts on policy making, international affairs etc are of no use. 
       ProTip: Just remember who the country's important leaders are and what posts they hold unless you want to become the BHATT of all jokes. 
As we did mention, this is part of our SERIOUSNESS campaign, where we discuss topics that your grandfather is too ashamed to. And this is the serious-est it gets. If you wanted an ever more serious-er post. I seriously consider you seriously lighten up, I mean Seriously!