Tuesday, June 10, 2014

How to Long Distance a Relationship

I never knew I'd be the one doing this! I mean seriously, you kids can't even handle a long distance relationship?! If you can't deal with a thing like that, what'll you do with the tougher parts of life, like choosing between The 'Endoplasmic Ectoplasms of Schrodinger's Cat' Thesis submission and updating your cover pic on fb. Well, the open secret is, Long distance relationships are way easier compared to its icky sticky counterpart. Think of it this way, it's honeymooning, but with less honey and more mooning!

For those of you who're fortunate enough to experience this, let me tell you, don't fret. Let 'D' give you the cues to cure the blues. That's right, this post is dedicated to Long Distance Love or the way my Grandpa calls it, 'Love at Hindsight'! Without further ado, here's five tips to Keep in mind when your bitter-half is out of town. I only speak from Experience, Marilyn Monroe and I get along quite well, despite my being here (Banana Republic) and her being down South (Way down :รพ ). Ok after that further ado about Marilyn, No more further Ados, The Top 5 are :-

5) Do What You Used To : 

The biggest problem that arises due to Long distance is the sense of freedom and we all know what that did to the US. So my first advice to you is to keep up the non-sense that was already happening. Fight with her over the TV remote over the phone, Force the FIFA WC down her throat and/or make him sob over the hourly soap-opera (Sobbing because he can't watch Disney Channel). Not just Television, keep the nostalgia at bay by telling him how it annoys you when he leaves the toilet seat up, even though you did that. Or Yell at her for misplacing your car-keys, a thousand miles away!

4) Attract Suspicion:

Most couples fret about not being in touch with each other. Not knowing what the he/she's doing in their spare time. And It's quite understandable to freakout when they suddenly break out the news of them changing their toiletpaper brand from "St(i/u)ck here"  to "Wi(p/f)e-out". Well I have the right solution to that, Start acting like you're hiding something, watch more of the desperate housewives but only when your wife's visiting! Make her doubt you. Only then will she start keeping a keen eye on you, or Hire one. That way you don't have to tell her anything, she'll already know. sixth sense? You betcha!!

3) Innovative Breakthrough Technologies :

We've already covered one in an earlier post . Have a WonderArm(#3) handy. It can really make a difference. Just Stick a pic of your betterhalf's head in the space provided, but make sure it's creepy enough. So that you won't start doing weird things.And then there's always Facebook, Skype and Whatsapp to keep you company while she's offline. Share Pics of your outings with Friends, Family, Boss, Her Ex, his Ex etc. In other words make her feel at Home, ofc while YOU aren't ;-)

2) Keep Communication lines open, When you're leaving home :

Trust me, When you love someone and they're far away, every conversation counts. Even the ones in which you're not present. That's precisely why you should get an answering machine. That way she can say anything she likes and yet know that you'll be there listening. NOTE: Make sure you set the "Automatically Delete After" interval to 1 hour or less. Lest you have to bear the torture. If you're one of the curious creeps who'd like to check out every message (if more than once, God save you!). Then let me give you a shortcut-mantra to know what to expect.

  • If the message starts with Honey/Baby/Love or the ilk, it means she's in the mood for a talkathon . In short, DELETE!
  • If the message begins with We need to talk/I have something to say, you're screwed. So DELETE!!
  • And when it starts off with How are you today?/Everything alright? It means he needs something, and you know what you have to do. DELETE!!!

1) When all of the above go Horribly wrong :

We have complete faith in all of the above. However there is a one-in-a-quattuordecillion chance that the above MAY not work out for you. In that special case, we suggest you follow our Guru and Mentor Baba Randi's advice, "Don't put all your eggs(chicks) in one basket." The language of course is quite parabolic so let me translate it in a way any Tard, Dick and Hairy can understand, by Name-calling! The Baba with his wise words said that 'When Negative Nacy and Moody Judy make Skype hell, get Whatsapping with Chatty Kathy!'

Well, that's all the advice I can give you at the moment. Also before I forget, to all the bad good-boys who've enjoyed their prom this year, Happy Father's Day in advance ;)

For more help with love, relationships and the other valuable crap in our lives, tune into The D-Mail!