Friday, September 26, 2014

Tying the Knot, or Noose?

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Well that explains why India is full of Philosophy. Speaking of full, half of the Indians are below the age of 25. And if the figures are right, there will be approximately 313million marriages within the half-decade, assuming that every Indian parent is strictly speaking, Indian.  It’s nothing less than an endemic. Taking 125 million victims every year, it’s clearly far worse than HIV, Cancer or Global Warming combined!

Marriage for a man is losing his Bachelor's degree and to a woman, getting a Master's. The only thing is that both get equal marks and a combined degree in B.ed. Well, the riskiness is much more than Russian roulette. There's a 50 percent chance of fights and a 100% chance of the man losing. 3/4th of the population are married and the rest are successful. The statistics never lie. The scholars can never be more wrong, Desire isn't the root cause of all Misery. Marriage is!

Polygamy in marriages are a rarity these days, however, these days Feminist groups, I fear, may start chanting slogans like  "Why should boys have all the fun", forcing governments to start legalizing Polyandry too. Soon, there will be multiple husbands to multiple wives. And before you know it, Nokia's vision will be fulfilled. People will be connected, indeed.

Indians are born for betrothal, just like sacrificial lambs. Sometimes, though, the in-laws turn out to be out-laws. The Dowry system of course! Men are less expensive in the modern age than they used to be. Back then, a standard fresh-in-the-market bloke could be bartered for at least one Ambassador car and a few thousand bucks. Nowadays, due to recession, we'd be lucky to get an Ambassador's photo. But the logic can’t be that simple, definitely not in the motherland of Arya Bhatta and Ramanujan. The math  goes this way...

Let A= family, B= boy, G= girl, D= dowry

The GA gives D to the BA, now that the BA has D, BA becomes BAD. The rest is GADBAD...

Well, I have witnessed several weddings, and being an avid member of the SMS (Single Mingle Society), I had the privilege of saving countless lives from Eternal Damnation or, at least 30+ years. Apart from untying the chained animals, I have drawn out the blue-print of this bloody-red institution. It's really simple. You'll get the hang of what a marriage is, if you do it only once.

This Censored Documentary goes like this:

It all starts with a baby girl being bornbrought into the house by a stork. The first smile is the Dad’s, for he’s the only one who's neither in pain nor in uniform. The smile soon fades away into a train of thoughts. He immediately visualizes the baby in the wedding attire, but then reality strikes him, she's too little, even for half quarter sarees. He thwarts the idea, "Perhaps, Later!"

At the tender age of 3, the girl asks him, "Dad, why do boys have all the fun?" He gently puts her in her prisoncrib and once again visualizes her walking around the fire. And then it hits him, "She'll lose count of the seven steps".

Years go by, with the father being more and more overprotective until one day, his imaginary wedding ring fits his daughter's finger. Alas! An End to boyfriends, worries, late-returning-homes (by seconds). It's then that he starts seeking the perfect groom for his daughter. The conditions are too many to jot down, so I'll have to shorten the list:

  • The Groom's Parents must be well-educated, wealthy, tall, dark and handsome.
If all of the above conditions are fulfilled, there's no waiting for the celebrations to begin, ofc there's the waiting for the auspicious moment, but it's only a minor thing, unless your birth planet is mars.

(Sorry, Marvin the Martian and J'onn J'onzz) 
NOTE: But marrying an inanimate object like your Smartphone or newspaper before the actual marriage will negate the effects of astrology and stupidity.

Our Nation didn’t achieve freedom until 1947, but even 67 years after Independence, I believe that we are still bound, still not free, from domestic violence, from blocked-websites, from population explosion. This National parasite named 'deathera marriagiasis' or Marriage, needs to be eradicated. Proper vaccines are to be given, and finally flower-girls and ring-bearers must be tranquilized. Stop this injustice. Start Living life!
                                                    Jai HIND!